How To Check If Your Husband Had Sex While He Was Out

Chinese lady with a magnifying glass.

From KDS:

Husband has gone out socializing, how to inspect his JJ [penis] when he comes home

1. Smell its odor
Normally it should have the filthy offensive odor of not having been washed
If you smell semen or sexual liquids odor
or the pleasant odor of bathing products
then it’s up to you [to decide why]…
While I’m at it, the normal offensive odor should be primarily from the offensive odor of urine, slightly salty.
Semen and sexual liquids odor are slightly fishy odor.

Normally when you have the chance, smell [his penis] more, lick more, and slowly you will be more familiar with it.

2. Let it [the ejaculate] out and look at the color, white means he has ejaculated within the past 3 days, yellow means he hasn’t. (Some people say the color will change after time too, you can check yourself.)

3. Check if there is any condom or soap odor.

4. Question: There are tests and there are countermeasures. If you drink more liquids after doing the deed and urinate a few times, won’t you then have the stench of urine again?

Answer: There is a difference between fresh urine stench and the urine stench from a day without bathing…the key still lies with experience. Normally, one must carefully observe and learn from experience.

5. Feel the eggs [scrotum/testicles]. If they have elasticity, then he hasn’t ejaculated, but if they are soft and limp, then he has ejaculated [recently]. This someone else taught me.

6. Every morning, draw something on his JJ~ If at night there is a change in the design, then that means…

However, this is not necessarily accurate, [because] after he has done it, he can just draw it again himself.

7. Spit some saliva on his JJ, rub it, and see if there is any residue.

8. Then you might as well put a paper seal on his JJ, and check at night if the paper seal is intact, and also put a wax seal (very expert).

9. Let me provide one more method then. After bathing, apply some baby powder or talcum powder to your husband’s JJ so that if it has been washed later, you will definitely know what happened.

10. 1. Draw a firecracker on his JJ and if it is broken when he comes back at night, then there is a problem.
2. When he comes home, do it with him again and if the time is longer normal and the amount he ejaculates is less than normal, then there is a problem.
3. If he went to a sauna, smell his JB‘s odor. If it is different from the rest of his body’s odor, there is a problem. Normally, the prostitute uses tissue to wipe the JB and PY [屁眼, pi yan, butthole]. A wet/moist paper towel’s odor is different from soap; some men will not bathe to avoid suspicion, but a wet/moist paper towel will necessarily be used. If after doing it he uses soap to bathe again, most men will not wash their JB and PY [屁眼, pi yan, butthole] with soap a second time, unless they are pros like me.
4. If he went to a KTV, even simpler, just smell his JB odor and see if there is any JY left on his underwear. If it was done directly in the KTV, normally they will only use a paper towel to wipe iit, and what more, it is wiped beforehand, not afterward (they don’t even wipe after a handjob). So it is very likely that it wasn’t cleaned very well or that the JY that leaked [pre-cum] before doing it is still on the underwear. Unless the man first wore a maxi-pad.
5. Check his knees, whether or not they are red, or if there are any red marks on the inside of his shoulders…(no detailed explanation necessary)

11. Please pay attention to how the balls [testicles] change when doing it, it changes relative to the JB. When the JB is hard/erect, the scrotum is taut. When the JB is soft/flaccid, the scrotum is relaxed. However, when doing it a second time, even though the JB is hard/erect, the scrotum will not yet have recovered to its taut condition, the duration will be longer than the first time, although it will still become taught when he ejaculates. Afterward, it will drop down again~~~

Asian man and woman upset.

This list has circulated on the Chinese internet many times before. For example, here are some older posts on XCar, Douban, & Tianya.

Comments from KDS:

十三点主公:

emoticon

狄俄尼索斯:

A very technical post. emoticon

人品王:

Yeah, every time I go out to have fun, my wife has to inspect my JJ when I get home, give my JJ a massage [do a physical inspection], to check if I have gotten too wild outside and my JJ has been injured.

双飞王子:

emoticon What are men going to do now?

FERRARI:

emoticon Who thought of these things? Requesting countermeasures.

songwu:

Don’t need to mind this at all. If you have this kind of woman, just divorce them. emoticon

桔子酱:

A lot of the methods are only tenable if [the husband] really had just used [his penis, had sex].
[Otherwise] if nothing happened and you smell his JJ right when he gets home, then you would just be seen as having gone crazy. emoticon

23/7=搞:

emoticon Written by a man. How many women would do this? And how many men wouldn’t want to get a divorce after a woman does some of these [to them]?

布雷斯塔:

emoticon Haha emoticon impressive… emoticon Must learn.

小猪:

Strongly request female version. emoticonemoticonemoticonemoticon

Roger:

It’s tough being a husband.

祛病消灾:

Accompanying photo.

You mian jing, uncooked and cooked.

小路:

LZ isn’t human!!!

空心菜:

It should be to dabble some water on his JJ, because a JJ that has used a TT [套套, tao tao, condom] will not moisten, although this is useless if he bathed after doing it.

无睾丸男:

Fooling around with women is a right that God/Heaven bestowed upon men that no woman can strip away. Thanks.

Do you know of any other way for a woman to check if their man has recently had sex with another woman?
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  • M.Nabil

    WTH…u dn’t hve anything imp 2 post on ChinaSmack by postin dis junk…? :P

  • mrnightcat

    Not that it’s wrong to suspect your man if he’s a late player, but this woman is a bit off her head…

    • mrnightcat

      Soaf? And I didn’t even say sofa in my first post. Yes, hell has frozen over.

      I expect another post to appear above mine though, it’s probably just in moderation right now.

      On topic, one day this woman’s husband is going to get a divorce paper slapped in his face, given that hardly even one of these little wives’ tales could ever possibly show whether he’s recently done it or not. If her man honestly is innocent, I feel sorry for him. His wife is a walkign kangaroo court. 2, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 (!?)…heck, pretty much all of them are just hilarious. The rest can be explained by basic good hygiene. And for drawing funny things on, guys do fiddle around when going for a piss, you know. You can’t expect that foreskin to stay out all day.

      • mrnightcat

        God, I’m a hilarious speller sometimes…

        “Sofa”
        “walking”
        “…foreskin to stay PUT all day”

    • Sunni

      The one who wrote this article is a man.

      • mrnightcat

        My mistake, thanks. Haha, makes the advice even more ridiculous.

  • Alex

    A blind man goes into a fish market and says: “Helloooooo ladies!”

    • gaurav

      im a doctor, if a wife do these kinds of things..im sure she is psychic patient u need to take her for check up asap !! im serious

      • gongjiao

        thank you doctor! what an error free diagnosis!

      • whichone

        psychic patient? Are you a witch doctor?

        • Dawei

          Hilarious, strongly request that Wichcone be awarded comment of the day.

        • Chunghwa

          I think he means “psychotic”. Give a bit of leniency to those with non-native English.

      • justmega

        If she really were ‘psychic’ then there wouldn’t be a need to physically check her man’s package.

        Wow, China is doomed.

      • sean

        Actually this applies to only chinese guys, So you better don’t worry. It’s all about trust. Chinese guys do these kinds of things everyday and chinese girls always spend their life thinking if my husband is cheating me or not.

  • SuperJun

    Men don’t shower anymore?

  • browndude

    did it ever occur to chinese people that inspecting your husband’s jiba could actually harm your marriage even more than him sleeping around?

    • dilladonuts

      Come on now, you can’t expect them to think like that lol, your asking for too much. The only way to behave here is irrationally and irresponsibly, jk.

      If you need to do something like this in your relationship, it’s time to look for a new partner.

    • Sunni

      If I were to inspect his wiener, it wouldn’t be so much as “protecting” the marriage as wanting to know whether there’s a possibility that he’s doing it with random people and carrying STDs. Thank you very much.

    • brotherrivercrab

      As long as the wife is helping to obtain the sample for test #2, I don’t think the husband minds too much.

  • Sunni

    “If you drink more liquids after doing the dead and urinate a few times”

    I think you meant doing the deal?

    • aquadraht

      Guess she meant deed. not f***ing corpses.
      a^2

      • pervertt

        I guess so. I don’t think she had that sort of stiffy in mind.

  • Devin

    what the fuking bullshit article! Is the brain of the writer full of shits?

  • Albino

    I pissed myself laughing reading that article. You guys totally miss the point, it has nothing to do with checking your husband for infidelity. It’s a sly attempt at telling women to stop being so frigid and grow up, because if they’re going to shun sex their husbands will seek it somewhere else. After all, which man wouldn’t love his wife inspecting his penis and testicles after he’s come back home from a night out?

    • http://www.flickr.com/photos/54055882@N07/ Yumi Fang

      haha I think you are the only one who got the article! lol

  • ShittyKitty

    My BF is very flexible, anytime I am not watching, he bends over and blow himself! How do I stop him?

    • Albino

      You stop him by blowing him. The fact that he does it is proof you’re still 9 years old.

      Also: LOLtroll.

      • no name

        my bf spent long time to train me at BJ. it’s very difficult for me to do this. i am very easy to vomit, crowded subway, brushing my teeth, dirty smell…always make me vomit. at last, he had to put something yummy as honey, icecream…
        haha!

  • On-the-go

    This whole article is just retarded from the beginning to the end.
    It just shows how pathetic the level of sexual education is in China.
    It somehow makes me think of my friend from Xi’an who found out about how babies are made at the age of 21 from her roomate at a students’ dorm …

    [Note from Fauna: Wait for tomorrow's post.]

    • mankouzanghua

      you’re definitely right about the basic lack of sex ed in china, but… why should it be any different? was it a major problem that your friend didn’t know much about sex until she was 21? have you seen much teen pregnancy or kids with STDs in china?

      just wondering what the pathetic part is… maybe lack of sex ed leads to problems in china, maybe it doesn’t. but you don’t provide any evidence or suggestions, making it seem as though being different from other parts of the world (US? UK?) is inherently pathetic.

  • brotherrivercrab
  • snater

    this is the Chinese female version of broscience?

  • Song Yan

    Man oh man…this made me cry it was so funny. This is completely ludicrous, I mean to devise and contemplate such tactics is some crazy shit. What if a guy was having a HARDCORE JACKOFF session by his lonesome? Coming home to an angry suspicious bitch of a wife.

    Please forgive me for the above; hypothetical situation.

    Anyway its not like the checklist above is infallible.

    • Song Yan

      Although…it might be real fun…Really Really Fun being inspected. Bring on the inspection!

  • Jess

    Is this real? It sounds like one of those joke instructional chain emails from back in the 90s…and probably written by a guy who wants his wife to touch his penis more often.

  • Coyote

    That model with the magnifying glass in the first image looks awfully familiar:

    http://www.canadapost.ca/cpo/mc/default.jsf

  • Hzman

    How men can check the women? We need women version strongly!!!

    • Rick in China

      Assume they all cheat. In the immortal words of SlickRick the Ruler: ‘treat ‘em like a prositute.’

      This is a universal answer.

  • 老外

    This article is really sick, in China everything is for show off also Marriage- in most cases is only and exclusively to the needs of society, lack of love support and understanding, not to mention that most of the Chinese people using prostitutes surprise me because I have sex with the Chinese is quite different from what we do 老外 们.
    Going to bed with a Chinese is like communing with a small baby, infantilism, lack of imagination and the total routine-every time the same thing, guys some sort of strange self-certainty in idiotic way connected with the tiny penis and lack of personal hygiene, lack of initiative in women , without any imagination, disgusting smelly disgusting shaggy hair style like forefathers and this often stink. 老外 course u too but it is much much less…. Asian sex is not the even 1%to what shows laowai
    China is a beautiful and wonderful country, but also has its drawbacks, as 老外, you must to have a lot of distance to each others. I’m not saying that China is inferior to us, in many ways ahead of us also-cultural, but in sex and total defeat. 老外 also but we are full of failures on other fronts

    • Sunni

      Pointless post is pointless.
      And unrelated.

  • Rick in China

    Oh my god.

    I can’t believe a woman would actually try to “inspect” her bf/husband’s dick in this kind of way..or that a guy would allow it.. what the fuck is wrong with these people. If there is that little trust the relationship is already over.

  • Pong Lenis

    48: Give him a blowjob in the morning after you put on lipstick. Check for the lipstick remains at night.

    But seriously, jealousy is a form of mistrust and I would kick the witch out.

  • 约翰

    The real question is, what is the magnifying glass used for? Inspecting his JJ?

  • BlothaLonely

    China smack retains it’s reputation of useless and utter bullshit.. congrats!!!

    Remember, we all are lonely on this crowded planet.

  • http://www.makeyourownpheromones.com Michael Hughes

    who wants to play with my big hairy balls?

  • longtian

    An old dude once told me that whenever he came back home from national guard training (2 weeks long) his wife would see if his balls floated. I think he said that if they floated, he was in trouble, but if they sank, he was all good. Never tested to see if it was true, though.

  • Senjai

    Did anyone consider that guys MASTERBATE?

    Dumb people. Well maybe asians don’t.

  • James

    If the wife examined the husband’s balls more often then maybe he wouldn’t cheat.

  • john

    if you distrust your husband and need to do these checks then you have a crappy relationship, not worth the effort. divorce and make something of your life. if you hang around in a distrustful relationship then its not worth the effort. If you are just in it for the money (which seems commonplace in china) then you have made your bed so you need to lie in it.

  • dude

    I don’t know what is more pathetic. The article or how the comments sound so laidback yet desperate, almost chidish. *Need female version* *It’s tough being a husband* Seriously man what is wrong with these people?

  • Pvt. Joker

    If you allow entry into the “2″ door then why should we look elsewhere? Also daily bj and we are all good. Really if you are going to be down there sniffing, might as well use your mouth.

  • Smokeyroo

    This is either a bad joke, or the lou zhu has serious trust issues. I would first cheat on her, let her blow me, paint “firecrackers” on my small chicken chicken (inspection). Then kick her crazy arse out.

    But at the same time this article is hilarious! Is any of this even true scientifically? I have myself a ji ba and have never in my whole life noticed any of these things she said… please enlighten me.

    And really?? Men wear maxipads??? Bahahahahahahahahaha

    • Kid_x

      Playing with your husband’s penis when he gets home will probably avoid any cheating all-together.

      Men are pretty simple:
      1) regular sex
      2)variety [married = try new things, single = many women]
      3)compassion
      4)less complaining/bitching over small shit

      Keep a man’s emotions and penis satisfied he’ll not stick it in another woman’s special sauce.

  • cody

    as a foreign man when i come into china, its the women i see getting down and dirty, they are little sluts willing to do anything to get some excitment into their lives. i guess these chinese guys just like pumping prostitutes with their little, very little friends. i guess its their way of fucking the world for their short comings. the women however, wow, nothing more needs to be said, i guess generations of sexually deprived, they really do appreciate a real man when he comes along. so all you chinese guys, go out, get AIDS, i dont think the world will notice a few less chinese men around. in the mean time i will enjoy asias only gift to the world in the past 25 years, great looking, loyal, sopisticated, sexy women.

  • Chrissy

    if there’s any reason for a woman to suspect her man like this then better end it. lol

  • abao

    or maybe just ask divorce, its easy solution,because if there is no more trust in the couple, why stay married!!!

  • Ryo

    How about the wife/gf just do their job better so men don’t have to get it outside?

    I know lots of girls in China don’t do anything like BJ or even HJ for their bf/husband. They don’t even have fun in bed… just lay on their back and moan. So boring…. Why blame the men when a lot of the times, it’s the gf/wive’s fault?

    Men are men. We need sex. Gf and wives need to give it to us regularly and be good at it, using different techniques and positions to keep it fresh and fun. Dress up in different clothes and costumes.

  • http://www.bizbag.com/Misc%20articles/Rap%20Lyrics%20Translated.htm yournametobynow

    what the fuck. take a goddamn shower. basically this post is like “your husband’s dick should smell really bad – if it smells good, and he washes his penis regularly, then he is cheating on you”.

    what. the. fuck.

  • John doe

    Suspicious wides would become a sniffling dogs la haha.

  • May

    Lol :-) Was so hilarious!
    Husband comes back from work and the wife goes: “Darling drop ur pants and let me give u a BJ just to make sure ur dick has a “filthy offensive odor of not having been washed”… and your “sperm as a fishy taste” so I can be sure u haven’t been messing around”
    Seriously?!?!?

  • Dick

    This is a joke right? How do you distinguish using the first few “tests” between masturbation and actual sex?

  • Wily

    I wonder who have it worse in their hubbies cheating, Chinese women or black women in the US? Not judging from a racist view, but the latter also has a version of the above.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VhPHtKinmA

    Why you coming home
    Five in the morning
    Something’s going on
    Let me smell yo dick

    !

  • John Doe

    You might as well encourage the women to marry a eunuch and have a dildo in the drawer.
    Its a win win situation for both and the best part, the dildo can be used for 3 type of holes (eunuch: the ass mainly) you have in your body!
    They can be sterilized and it comes in different sizes and colors. Good stuff i say …

    Let’s face it, this is a cultural thing.
    It doesn’t matter which industry you are from, sex will always be part of the agenda.
    Otherwise how do you explain the whorehouses and KTV ..etc that has been flourishing?

    I’m not saying it is right to go screw around but if you want to minimize such infidelities, change the way things are being done in china.
    That is …if you can.

    • frodriguez

      Agree with divorcing part of these kinds of women…

  • Mike

    I would never allow my gf to do this to me, no matter if i did sth or not…
    if she insists, i will just tell her to fuck off…
    and if she says, then u did it!
    i will just answer, u can think whatever u want, but if u dont believe on me and u dont trust, then just go fuck urself somewhere…

    btw, hope she wont read this! xD

  • The Abbot

    There is only one way to really check to see if your man is cheating.
    You must suck his JJ whenever you suspect your man has been naughty.
    If it tastes funny when you swallow then he may have been cheating.
    BUT be sure to suck his JJ again just to double check.
    If you still cant tell then you should get a really hot female friend to suck his JJ, just incase you missed something.
    The MOST important thing to remember is that you both MUST swallow in order to be able to truly tell if hes been cheating.
    Also make sure that your female friend is really hot if you want to really be able to tell if youre man has been cheating.

    • Steph

      This must be a man!!!!

  • haha no

    well if the wife followed the first part, ie having a taste every day,

    then less men would cheat :-)

    most men are also not very good at hiding things, so i have the ideal formula here. ask your husband

    woman”do you have another girlfriend”

    man “god no, one womens enough trouble”

    woman “do you pay for sex”

    man “ummm, no, not often”

    woman “have you slept with my sister”

    man “which one?”

    women “any”

    man “ummm no, well only once,,, well twice if you count our wedding day”

    women “i want a divorce”

    man “one step ahead of you, please sign here, here, here and here”

  • John

    This is the dumbest article I’ve read. If you have to resort to these measures, you are not doing your job as a wife/girlfriend. On top of that, your husband is probably fed up with your crazy ass and resorted to cheating on you to get the fuck away from you. If he’s cheating on you, break up/divorce him and start over. Plain and simple. To prevent your next man from cheating on you’ll need to do 3 things: don’t be a bitch (like the author), suck his dick, and make him a sandwich when he needs it.

  • Valmont

    This might qualify as the top 5 dumbest things I have ever read. First off, a guy has be willingly let a girl “draw” shit on his cock. Second, a guy can be at home jerking himself off and that might get him in trouble? Clearly, common sense has gone out the window on this.

  • Meh

    Medically this is unorthodox as any good doctor would tell you there is no way to tell if someone has indeed had sex. Not unless you rip out their organs and examine them under microscope, there are tests out there that determine if someone is lying or not but nothing beyond that. The problem with your reasoning is that you don’t take into consideration, height, weight, age and biology.
    Thus making this whole thing BS!

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  • JM

    If your wife pays that close attention to your JJ, you won’t want to cheat, and that’s the POINT.

    If a wife wants to keep her man loyal, she better keep his JJ tired! Otherwise, she’s asking for trouble.

    • Steph

      I keep my hubby’s JJ’s tired so he doesn’t even have time to think about cheating I feel bad for anyone that has to go thru this.

  • Dan

    I really hope this was supposed to be a joke. If not, this article has to be the DUMBEST most idiotic thing I have ever read. I think my IQ just dropped a little just by visiting this page. I honestly don’t think any of these methods are reliable proof of anything.First off you can’t go by the smell. I mean I wash my penis daily, and it does not have a smell, unless maybe it smells like sweaty balls at the end of the day. And so what if it smells like semen? What if, god forbid, he masturbated at some point throughout the day while he was sitting on the toilet? You can’t check his underwear for semen because most guys will have “pre-cum” regardless whether or not they have had sex, especially if they haven’t masturbated in a day or two.

    I could go over all of these dumb ideas but what it boils down to is this, anything you put on his penis to check later, he or his lover can easily replace. Guys will have semen in their underwear even if they don’t have sex, it just happens sometimes. You tell anything based on how much he ejaculates because that can vary by alot from day-to-day.

  • Paul

    1. To all women reading this: Spend more time fuc*ing your guy instead of reading this, and you won’t have a problem to begin with. It’ll save you all the trouble.

    2. To you, the author: You, being a man, are a traitor, and worst of all, most of the info is inaccurate as well as this: what if the guy is playing with himself to offset the bi*ch that isn’t putting out?
    3. The RX-7 club knows about joo!

  • Will I Am

    Fauna, So gross lol.

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