Shanghai Calling Expat Stories Contest Winners Announced!

Shanghai Calling Expat Stories - Kenny Wongs: "I cleared a path by yelling '右立左行!'"

Our Favorite Entry, by Kenny Wong: “I cleared a path by yelling ‘右立左行!'” (stand on the right, pass on the left)

Thanks to everyone who participated in our Shanghai Calling Expat Stories Contest! We received a lot of hilarious and quite touching entries but alas, we only have so many prizes to give away!

The Winners

We have chosen three winners who will receive one pair of VIP tickets to both the Shanghai Calling World Theatrical Premiere at Xintiandi’s UME International Cineplex and the Shanghai Calling After Party at XTD Elevated. Please check your emails for important instructions to RSVP immediately. You will not be allowed into the event without being on the guest list and with the requisite tickets.

Kenny Wong & Jocelyn Shih

Shanghai Calling Expat Stories Contest - Jocelyn Shih: "Nothing feels better than hailing down an Expocab."

“Nothing feels better than hailing down an Expocab.”

Shanghai Calling Expat Stories - Kenny Wong: "My waitress was called Alien"

“My waitress was called ‘Alien'”

Shanghai Calling Expat Stories - Jocelyn Shih: "What are these subtitles?!"

“What are these subtitles?!”

Shanghai Calling Expat Stories - Kenny Wong: "My waitress was called Alien"

“I bought 2kg worth of books on the streets.”

Shanghai Calling Expat Stories - Jocelyn Shih: "I saw a grandpa feeding his grandson french fries with chopsticks. "

“I saw a grandpa feeding his grandson french fries with chopsticks.”

An-Sophie Grysolle

Shanghai Calling Expat Stories - An-Sophie Grysolle: "Shanghai feels like home"

“Shanghai Feels like home.”

Bob Caubergs & Tania Bergers

Shanghai Calling Expat Stories - Bob Caubergs & Tanie Bergers: "Glasses without glasses"Shanghai Calling Expat Stories - Bob Caubergs: "Red carpet ready"

“Glasses without glasses” & “Red carpet ready”

Shanghai Calling Expat Stories - Tania Bergers

“Say what?” (package label: Vegetarian Spicy Shredded Pork)

Honorable Mentions

Here are a few additional entries that didn’t quite win but we nonetheless want to share. As a surprise, we’ve also selected several non-winning entrants to receive invites and tickets to the official Shanghai Calling After Party. Sadly, you won’t get to see the movie, but you’ll still get to see the stars and meet a lot of great people. Please check your email to see if you were selected and follow the instructions to RSVP.

Eric Chang

Shanghai Calling Expat Stories Contest: Eric Chang.

“They said cumin was natural.”

Scott Zhang

Shanghai Calling Expat Stories Contest: Scott Zhang

“Once on a date & already wanting to remedy my ‘banana’ image, when asked what part-time job I had in college, I replied, ‘走狗’ which means ‘betraying the country’ instead of ‘遛狗’ which is dog walking!”

Alex Hung

Shanghai Calling Expat Stories Contest: Alex Hung

“I was thirsty so I went into a building that looked like a place where I could buy drinks; turns out it was a brothel run by a local gang; not really being able to speak Chinese, a very awkward and tense moment ensued.”

John Hong

Shanghai Calling Expat Stories Contest: John Hong

“百人看不懂” (white people can’t read)

Dong Yanan

Shanghai Calling Expat Stories Contest: John Hong

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  • MonkeyMouth

    can we see the mega box of that chick in the last picture?
    none of these are the least bit funny.
    none of the jokes and humour on this site are the least bit funny. but keep on trying, comrades
    sofa aint funny, neither

    • You have to forgive Mr Kenny Wong, for he had the sense of humour to buy a book on “Economics”, if you look closely at the image. Like some kind of tome written in the U.S. pre-downturn would have the slightest bit of relevance to modern China, or for that matter the U.S. in 2012…? No wonder Kenny won.

    • I kept wondering to myself if there was another joke hidding in that last picture or if she really meant it to be the “megabox” thing. Which is hilarious in itself, of course, I just wasn’t sure. She’s cute, but if her box is mega sized, though. Sloppy hatchet wounds SO GROSS

      • Snarl

        I’m not sure what’s funny about the Megabox. It’s just a shopping plaza in Hong Kong. There’s an ice rink on the 13th floor (if memory serves), which is hilarious in all the wrong ways.

        • There needs to be a new competition for the Megabox one, as it’s very cryptic. Cute lady in silk hot-pants with a Starbucks to the right…? Nah, I still don’t get it…

          • Patrick

            I think you guys are putting too much in love and the megabox. Then again that may be what is “now showing”. Gear up your wetsuits.

          • OK… OK… I’ve got it… Starbucks deliver great taste, fragrance and body and the product is HOT… The megabox girl delivers great taste, fragrance and body and – oh yeah – she’s pretty cute (8.95/10)

          • Mao Ze Shenme Dong Dong

            Especially the silky rose petal shaped folds of her labia right? I thought you were married. You shouldn’t be looking at other women. That does not lead to a happy family. Look after the world and…

            …peace out. (as a dove flies out of my ass)

          • She’d do well with a bit more thickness in the leg area, for sure.

          • filabusta

            I thought it was the irony of a Chinese girl in China surrounded by foreign companies and movies… maybe I read too deeply.

        • Mao Ze Shenme Dong Dong… Eeek… I cannot stand religion or marriage… I am neither a Chinabounder on the one hand, nor an expat with piano- and violin-playing kids on the other. I am in the middle.

      • Sunshine

        I don’t get it… what is megabox… referring to?

    • DK

      seriously. china smack, yall can do A LOT better. take this page down and start again. embarassing.

      • mr. wiener

        They can not all be pearls. Accept that fibre is necessary in any diet.
        Rugby training is done. Have drunk one extra strong beer, will do sit ups ‘ till bed time, all is good in the world, signing out.

    • kodi

      What does SOFA mean?

      • Brett Hunan
        • David.is.Dawei

          Thanks Brett,
          I never understood why people left that comment until your link.

          • Max Headroom

            Same here.
            Many thanks for letting us (relative) beginners in on the lingo.

      • SOFA is in fact the abbreviation S.O.F.A. which stands for Shared Offshore Foraging Area. Basically a nightclub frequented by oil and gas industry expats in Ho Chi Minh City. I didn’t realise the term was common in China.

  • XiaoHei

    Guys might want to look at the bottom-right corner of the first picture…

    • That’s a heavy-grade nylon pair of knickers underneath the Lycra leggings… 4/10 for presentation…

    • galapiass

      +1

    • Her booty hungry
      +1

    • Mao Ze Shenme Dong Dong

      I see where you got your wankers arm from.

      • XiaoHei

        LOL. Good one, but Left arm is bigger.

  • The last photo is in Beijing!

  • linette

    ‘走狗’ which means ‘betraying the country’ instead of ‘遛狗’ which is dog walking!”………..

    “百人看不懂” (white people can’t read)…………..like white men can’t jump.

    “They said cumin was natural.”

    These are funny…….lol…………

  • thetruth

    Most of these are ***ked up shit and not really worthy of winning. Neither is there much humour nor the great aura of the pics. They just look like common dp pics on FB and other social networks. Bleh ! A waste.

    • You mention “just like common DP pics on FB”. I’m not quite sure D.P. pictures would be allowed on Facebook. :-)

  • CHINESETRASH

    I hate being called a banana or dog. I’m not a F*ing fruit neither am I a follower! I hate it when Asians feel like it’s a compliment when they’ve been called either one, it’s a disgrace and just shows how euro-centric our world has become. You fruity bastard…

    • Jahar

      I’m not following this at all. Is being called a banana or a dog a compliment somewhere?

    • jin

      i dont know where you get that, but a BANANA means yellow outside, white inside. (a asian born in western country)
      and a dog? i think they are just swearing at you.

    • filabusta

      Would you prefer twinkie?

    • Dat Ankle

      So you dont mind being called trash?

  • Nilerafter24

    omg I’m dying of laughter.
    L …. O …. L

    “”I was thirsty so I went into a building that looked like a place where I could buy drinks; turns out it was a brothel run by a local gang; not really being able to speak Chinese, a very awkward and tense moment ensued.””
    The originality of this story is mind-blowing.

    come on, just say you picked the prettiest people.
    No ugly expats allowed at premieres.

  • Hidamari Desu

    damn these niggas ugly as fuck
    groce

  • lonetrey

    To be honest, I found Scott Zhang and Alex Hung’s stories to be hilarious! The others weren’t bad either, they were interesting too.

  • Sean

    You guys are grouchy sons of bitches. I like the subtitles one.

    • The subtitles one has resonance I agree… Anyone who’s got 80% through a KTV song only to be greeted with gobbledegook, knows how embarrassing this can be…

  • vince

    I recognize bill paxton but who’s the guy who looks like an aged edward norton?

    • The “Edward Norton lookalike” is Alan Ruck, who played a tourist on the bus in “Speed” and was in “Scrubs”. He plays Marcus Groff in “Shanghai Calling”.

      • Chinese in china and expats have no sense of humor. most of these jokes are too lame in the rest of the world
        even chinese in the west make jokes like this

        • mr. wiener

          I looked, I want those 1:16 minutes of my life back.

        • I saw this and thought “oh, great, another Asian girl with a ukulele”. Then it got worse: an Asian girl with a ukulele trying to sing Weird Al style comedy songs.

          • mr. wiener

            …..The horror….

          • Cheeky smile, great sense of humour, lyrics which I had to listen to a second time… Naughty ABC sense of humour… No wonder all the ABCs and BBCs are taken and us expats are left going thru Asia with a fine-toothed comb (in the first few years!) for the right GF, wife or short- / medium- / long-term companion… :-) Hilarious vid! Nice one Whiskers!

      • I saw him on the right and thought “Lord Petyr Baelish”.

        • DongDong

          I thought the same. But apparently it’s a different actor…

        • vince

          Oh yeah it does look like him, sucks that season 3 of game of thrones is next march :(

      • DGOSH

        Never saw Ferris Bueller’s Day Off?

        • If you *were* Ferris Bueller, and had had a day off, then you would have watched it…:-)

  • Nick in Beijing

    Right. I forgot about this movie thing.

    I clicked this link thinking this might actually be an interesting contest to find out what expats experienced in China.

    Didn’t expect to find most of the people in the photos look like “returned Chinese”.

    • vince

      I guess they’re the only ones interested in watching this movie.

      • linette

        The chinese director don’t understand marketing. If you want the China, taiwan, Hk, singapore Chinese to be interested in watching this movie, you need to at least hire a Chinese American born well known actor to play the lead. Some one like Leehom Wang or Daniel Wu. Not this no name actor who is not Chinese and he is only half Asian. Nobody knows him. The American and Chinese audiences don’t know him. How are you going to sell this movie without star power?

        • Slight correction if I may… SG Chinese will ALL (90%+) watch this movie… SG Expats will ALL (90%+) watch this movie…EVEN IF TO SLEEP. When you are incarcerated in moist and hot SG, all you can do is graft away Mon-Fri, make love on Saturday morning, have a beer Saturday night, make love Sunday morning, and GO SEE MOVIE. *This is Equatorial expat life.*

          • linette

            lol…..richardnorth….you are funny.

        • “Half-Asian” is enigmatic. Yes, Daniel Henney is half-half. But in his case, Oriental (Korean) genes shine through. I’m not gay, but the guy is quite a hunk with a symmetrical and aesthetic face. The US and EU box offices count the most. Any box office takings in Asia are simply a bonus. The last thing a movie needs to do is nosedive in US and EU. Subtly, the movie is suggesting Chinese ladies get a move on and make half-half babies with expats……oh no! Did I give the movie’s game away?

    • Awww that’s a little unfair… Many Jamaicans started in Africa umpteen years ago –> Went to Central America –> Went to North America or Britain –> Heading back to Jamica thanks to success of Usain Bolt. ABCs and BBCs doing this is like the aformentioned *1000 in magnitude.

  • pokosan

    Well, i didnt realize that these are jokes until i saw comments here.

  • Britishhumoratit’sbest (aka Mongojian & Germandude)

    God, what a bunch of losers. Where you guys hiding the funny parts? Wankers…

    [Note from Fauna: Please do not pretend to be other people or multiple people.]

    • mr. wiener

      Where is Benny Hill when you need him?

      • Benny Hill will be on 101 DVDs and obscure “Gold” comedy TV channels worldwide; usually alongside the hunky and talkative “Mr. Bean”. :-)

  • DK

    wow, those pictures all really sucked. China Smack QC has 暑假?

  • Brett Hunan

    So who is going to watch the movie on release?

    • Steeevyo

      Who would watch that crap?
      Did you see the trailer.
      If you cant even make a good trailer how horrible must the film be?

      • If you’ve watched movies produced by independent production houses and the government-linked media corporation here in Singapore, “Shanghai Calling” will be a blockbuster in comparison. Singapore does specialise in Hokkien comedy however, for those interested in dialects which simply don’t die. But even these are an acquired taste. Cheers.

  • wafflestomp

    You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to see a punch line

    Morpheus

  • jeffli

    Ok here’s a story for as black and humourless and pitiful as it gets.

    One day I was walking along the footpath of a busy road. I was new to Shanghai then so was always looking around, aware of my position and surroundings.

    There was a truck, the typical rusty blue ones you see around with bald retreaded tyres and bullshit brakes trundling along at what I guess would be 50 60 km/h. For some reason I was looking at it as it entered and intersection against the law on a red light at the same time a school girl starts walking her bicycle across the pedestrian crossing on a green walk signal.

    The two idiots in the rusty blue truck are staring at me laughing not paying attention to the road.
    suddenly emergency braking bald tires bouncing up and down on the road and Whump!

    there is a loud metal vibrating sound of this truck braking and skidding followed by a whump! attracted the attention of all.
    The girls head slammed onto the ground, her pitiful body did not even twitch as a pool of blood grew beneath her head.
    I assume she was dead as people including my self rushed to her aid. She was dead.

    The selfish young basterds in the truck were going to run away, but some bystanders stopped them. If they hadn’t I was thinking to throw my note book at one tp bowl him over (i don’t run fast).

    I could hear these two young men pleading that the public not tell the police. It was pitiful. Not a single concern for the school girl they had taken the life from.
    their Boss makes them drive an unroadworthy truck and they look out the windows and laugh at people, carelessly driving through a red light killing a schoolgirl who did everything right to following the traffic rules.

    Should we feel sorry for these idiots of the blue truck?

    If that schoolgirl was your daughter, sister, cousin, student, how would you feel?

    To these little shit-meisters she was a job.

    I think this would have been the third saddest day of my life. Have I been blessed so far?

    • linette

      That is so sad. Poor girl. The truck drivers need to be punished.

  • Rod

    Why is this movie not even listed in Bill Paxton’s Filmography on Wikipedia?

    • Steeevyo

      Maybe because you didn’t add it you stupid idiot?
      Who do you thinks creates user generated content on Wikipedia?
      Santa Claus?

      What a waste of space.

  • Peter

    Ha! A fellow Dutchman got through! Ah, glasses without glasses…the international language of East Asia. I guess glassless glasses say more than a thousand words.

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