Celebrating Qixi Festival, Chinese Valentine’s Day

In anticipation for Qixi Festival, otherwise known as Chinese Valentine’s Day, this coming Thursday August 23rd, here are a collection of jokes and humor related to romantic fate, love, dating, and marriage, with a heavy dose of cynicism.

Forward this [microblog post] if you are dating for this…

People's Republic of China Marriage Certificate

The cover reads “People’s Republic of China Marriage Certificate”.

The woman that gets your blood pumping and your body on fire!!!

Lao Ganma
Lao Ganma inventor Tao Huabi

[Note: Lao Gan Ma (literally “the old godmother” is a well-known Chinese brand of chili sauce developed by Ms. Tao Huabi in 1989.]

Just because I caught one more glimpse of you: Zhou Kehua only got 555,000 RMB throughout eight years of robbery, while the Chongqing girl was awarded 600,000 RMB for simply spotting him. This is life: The key is to meet the right person at the right time–it takes five hundred times of glancing back in the previous life (for me) to brush past you just once in this life.

The girl passed by Zhou Kehua at the Guanyin Bridge Square in Chongqing

[Note: “Just because I caught one more glimpse of you” is cited from Faye Wong aka Wang Fei‘s love song ‘Legend‘. The last sentence is cited from Xi Murong‘s poem “Glancing Back”.]

I used to like a girl, but she didn’t like me. She said the kind of man she fancies is one who can drive on the road and all the other cars are afraid to get too close. She felt only a man like that has enough presence/power. Last month, she got married. Just as she wished for, her husband is a sprinkler truck driver.

sprinkler truck

Yet another hopeless question raised by the girlfriend!

Do you still think about your ex

She, doesn’t nag, doesn’t throw dishes, doesn’t chat on QQ, doesn’t cheat on you. She drives a good car and buys a new house. She takes care of her husband like her own child. She is so beautiful that she outshines the moon, puts the flowers to shame, sinks the fish, charms the wild geese into the sky [Chinese idioms for great beauty], and her wits exceed those of even Zhuge Liang. She loves her kids, adores her husband, and respects her in-laws. She can step up into the living room [Chinese idiom, meaning she is educated] and step down into the kitchen [Chinese idiom, meaning she is good at doing housework]. Everyday she only makes money for her husband, and she only feels hurt when her husband doesn’t spend money. She is the “Touching China” award recipient — Another man’s wife.

"Touching China" Award Ceremony 2011

There is a kind of creature who doesn’t smoke or drink. He makes money in USD, EUR, and CAD, and has known why the Earth is so round [meaning he is knowledgeable]. This creature is handsome, well-built, and eloquent. He loves his kids, adores his wife, and respects his mother-in-law. He can step up into the living room [Chinese idiom, meaning he is educated] and step down into the kitchen [Chinese idiom, meaning he is good at doing housework]. He thinks spending 10 RMB a day is already extravagant, and is able to buy a house every five years. This is the “Touching China” award recipient– Another woman’s husband.

Daniel Henney

Women should have integrity. Either date around until you get married, or play around without taking anything seriously, or be haughtily single. Why waste your own youth, and be so earnest about it, just to train another woman’s husband?

a smoking woman

A guy said to his girlfriend: “I want to break up, I’m fed up, and I don’t feel anything anymore.” The girlfriend said to him something that immediately rendered him speechless. “Hundreds of millions of Chinese people long ago were fed up with the men’s national football team, long ago had no more feelings for them. Why hasn’t the national football team been disbanded? The vexation of 1.3 billion people is not enough to disband a team of 11 people. Now you as one person say you’re fed up and think you can disband a team of two people?!”

China's Men's National Football Team

[Note: China’s men’s football team is popularly regarded as the great shame of China and Chinese sports fans, for their lack of competitiveness and the persistent problems that plague their sport and league.]

On the bus, sitting opposite us were a middle-aged couple who held hands throughout the trip and kept exchanging loving words. Seeing them made me jealous, envious, and hateful. After getting off the bus, I said to my husband: “Look at them, so old yet still so romantic. We’ve only been married a few years, and you already don’t pay much attention to me, much less hold my hand and say things I want to hear. I’m so envious of them!” Who would’ve imagined my husband saying: “What are you envying them for? Did you not see that they are not from the same family [meaning they are not husband and wife]?!”

Monkey D Luffy in One Piece

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  • Jay

    muss es sein?!?

    • Jay

      ja! kanapee!

      • Mao Ze Shenme Dong Dong

        You got the sofa, are enjoying a nice glass of wine and have a nice Jew in the oven. I envy you.

        • Jay

          iz jew talkin’ to me

        • jeffli

          oi! oi! oi! vat fur den schweinerei sagst du?

  • Mao Ze Shenme Dong Dong

    I actually laughed at a couple of those. Well done you chinese fucks.

  • Chunghwa

    >Chinese idiots for great beauty

    Uhhh… although I’m guessing that’s a typo, it’s quite amusing it its own right…

  • Some of these are actually funny ;P

  • Ok, the sprinkler truck one made me half smile. There must have been some mistake in the translation.

    • Matt smith

      Aw, come on, that last one was pretty good too!

      • Jahar

        I’m usually just happy if I can find where the funny is supposed to be.

  • jeffli

    regarding Ms. Tao Huabi – Lao Gan Ma.
    I want to marry her!

    and her ‘sauce’ is tasty!

    Yes she’s getting old..I know I know, but I’ll make her last days like heaven!

  • Dr Dust Cell

    The killing question’s “you are ruthless!” has happened to me before.

    • jeffli

      that should be answered with a biatchslap!
      She continues then give ‘er a decent “poke in the whiskers” she’ll cool down.
      just watch for vagina dentata. lol

      You’ll be known as Conan – the destroyer [of p*88ies]
      and highly regarded by your woman.

      roflmao

  • sern

    [Note: China’s men’s football team is popularly regarded as the great shame of China and Chinese sports fans, for their lack of competitiveness and the persistent problems that plague their sport and league.]

    I consider any association football team a great shame

  • h3ll

    I just clicked coz Daniel Henney^^

  • Nanny Hiccups

    that is a hottie in the white shirt. ugh though anyway.

  • Silence

    another man’s wife, another’s husband very funny! it can be funnier if there is another family’s child. they are three another’s we all most envious, jealous and hateful during our whole life.

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