School Begins, Cafeteria Food, Stars & Sperm

Just now I checked the academic calendar for the next semester and found that there will be 12 days of classes in September, 13 days of classes in October, 18 days of classes in November, and 17 days of classes in December. There will be 60 days of classes in total. If there were seven hours of classes on average every day, there would be 420 hours in total, or 17.5 days…in other words, the Winter break is only 17.5 days away… What’s heartening? This is heartening…

dancing man

In just a few days, the senior brothers [older male students] at every university will exchange their flip-flops for canvas shoes or leather shoes, exchange their shorts for jeans or slacks, exchange their tank tops for T-shirts or shirts, they will hold back their lewd smiles, hide their horny expressions, and become mature little men, showing you the way, help you carry your bags, answer your questions, ask for your phone numbers, add you on Renren [a major Chinese social networking site], ask you out to dinner… junior sisters [younger female students], the senior brothers are all ready, how about you?

smiling sisters from Japanese Cartton Chibi Aruko-Chan

For the school orientation season, one must read the “Things You Must Know When Entering School”: 1. Senior brothers [older male students] who take the initiative to talk to you are not good senior brothers; 2. Good senior brothers are those who don’t have time to take care of junior sisters [younger female students]; 3. The more senior brothers you know, the less respect you will earn from other people; 4. The senior brothers from your hometown are the most dangerous ones; 5. The senior brothers who are concerned about your academics must be hypocrites; 6. The senior brother’s smile is a signal of mischief, and the senior brother’s ambiguity is the prelude to his “plans”; 7. The senior brothers who are immaculate dressed when welcoming you [during the orientation] are only neat that one day of the year.

basketball star Yi Jianlian smiles at a pretty girl

A nice warning to junior brothers [younger male students, here referring to first-year students]: Your senior sisters [older female schoolmates] are ours; our junior sisters [younger female schoolmates] are ours, and when necessary, you are ours too.

warning from older male students

Cafeteria food is the ninth biggest cuisine in our country, found throughout the entire country, its main cooking techniques include blind frying and haphazard boiling… its major characteristics being cooking with neither meat nor oil and they are famous for that all around the country.

university canteen food

[Note: Chinese cuisine has a number of different genres, but the most influential and typically known by the public are the “Eight Cuisines”: Shandong Cuisine, Guangdong Cuisine, Sichuan Cuisine, Hunan Cuisine, Jiangsu Cuisine, Zhejiang Cuisine, Fujian Cuisine and Anhui Cuisine.]

The Almighty Potato: They’re the chicken in Kung Pao Chicken, the meat slices in Boiled Meat Slices, the beef in Curry Beef… I can’t imagine what school cafeterias would do without potatoes!

gloomy boy

The Big Stars’ Daily Schedules:>

1. @马伊琍 [Ma Yili, Mainland actress] and @小S [Little S aka Dee Hsu, Taiwanese talk show host]: Desperate housewives are bound to have times where they can’t sleep;

2. @萧亚轩MISSELVA [Xiao Yaxuan aka Elva Hsiao, Taiwanese singer] and @杨幂 [Yang Mi, Mainland actress]: Women in love!

3. @姚晨 [Yao Chen, Mainland actress] and @林心如 [Lin Xinru aka Rubby Lin, Taiwanese actress]: Is Sina Weibo their other half? You’ll never understand the queens’ [strong, popular women] world;

4. @吴奇隆 [Wu Qilong aka Nicky Wu, Taiwanese actor] and @张根硕 [Jang Keun-suk, South Korean actor]: Men are much more rational, Weibo is used for reading [other people’s updates, instead of posting so much of one’s own]!

5. @苍井空 [Sola Aoi, former porn star from Japan popular with Chinese netizens] and @罗玉凤 [Luo Yufeng aka Sister Feng, internet celebrity]: Pause and resume downloading, right? Otaku guys all know what I’m talking about, not gonna elaborate!

[Note: The following image shows these celebrities’ daily schedules through their Sina Weibo posting frequency.]

celebrities' daily schedules told by microblog posting frequency

I liked Deng Lijun [Teresa Teng, singer], died; I liked Weng Meiling [Barbara Yung, actress], killed herself; I liked Mei Yanfang [Anita Mui, singer and actress], died of illness; I liked Huang Jiaju [Wong Ka kui, singer], fell and died; I liked Zhang Guorong [Leslie Cheung, singer and actor], killed himself jumping off a building; I like you, you figure it out!

a sign says 'I like you'

I visited my parents’ home, in quite a rush, and left the dishes in water in the sink unwashed. When I came home a week later, the dishes I left one week ago were still there in the water. In this hot summer, surprisingly, they had not begun to smell at all. My husband proudly said to me, “Of course! I changed the water every day!”

a man washing dishes

A girl pointed at a newspaper and said to her boyfriend, “Look, look, the newspaper says every time you donate sperm, you can get 300 yuan.” Boy: “So?” Girl: “If you can handle it, I’d like to buy an apartment within the year…”

gf biting bf's arm

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  • Hot Water

    Well, nobody ever said Chinese were famous for being funny.

    • themig

      china does not conquer the world with humor or entertainment, which is as bad as holywood’s. china conquerwrld with massproction f drones

      • Anees

        engrish i speek teh engrish

  • Mop

    Someone explain the first one to me please!

    • B

      He’s saying the amount of time in school is the same as the length of the vacation, so that is good news

      • rollin wit 9’s

        ummm, he said 17.5 days AWAY. not the same as 17.5 days long. and from my perception the chinese translation (mouse over, not google) says the same thing. what did i miss?

        • B

          You’re right, I totally read that wrong.

          I shouldn’t leave comments so early in the morning.

          • Marodir

            I think what he means is that the total time spent in class adds up to 17.5 hours, so there’s 17.5 hours IN CLASS left before the holidays…

          • Marodir

            Those “hours” should of course be “days”… Sorry about that.

  • GodsHammer

    Again…1/5 funny joke ratio… *sigh*

    • moop

      wait, you found a funny joke?

      • Poltergeist

        God, I hope I will never ever hear “Germans don’t have humor” again…
        On a side note. Some of the funny pics from Chinese regarding the iPhone 5 and other stuff are actually funny.

  • elycione

    Just wanted to point out that the last picture – the “gf biting bf’s arm” – is actually of two guys, I believe. That is all.

  • Irvin

    It’s not that chinese aren’t funny, it’s that most jokes from anywhere usually get lost in the translation.

    • BigJ

      No, Chinese are just not funny.

      • rainer

        I read the Chinese and… still not funny.

      • mr. wiener

        Chinese are not INTENTIONALLY funny.

    • Roger

      They are really not THAT funny even in Chinese. But then again, humor all depends on where you draw the line of offense. Chinese just have a lower threshold of offense than most westerners. Basically the more you can tolerate, the less things you will find funny. It depends on culture, and are thus very subjective topic.

      • rollin wit 9’s

        @ Roger….”Basically the more you can tolerate, the less things you will find funny”

        dude your so wrong. For example. Take a look at the Chappelle show. In reality most people cant tolerate that sh!t but on his show its funny as hell. Why? because its comedy and we know its comedy. He takes the most well known stereotypes from a group of people and throws it in your face. Watch his show in the first season. Its so raw he even makes comments about probably getting canceled. Its not about what you can tolerate, but more about how you can relate to it. Every african american i know, if called an ‘N-word’ would flip out. But on the Chappelle show its the funniest sh!t ever. Other than that id agree with what someone said above, most is probably lost in translation. And at this lame stuff i didnt even grin. I guess i understand why chinese dont really know/get/have stand up comedy (if wrong sum 1 tell me). They’d all lose face just watching & listening.

  • Brett Hunan

    Was that towel sign picture from Taiwan/Hong Kong?

    • Brett Hunan

      Weird… Mixing simplified and traditional…

      • Brett Hunan

        Is it just my eyes or did they write 3 different forms of “school”?

        Man, I’m tearing up this jokes post!

        • donscarletti

          It’s mainland, they only wrote 學 correctly once, they didn’t even try to write 們 or 時. It was just a failed attempt to look “classic”, along with the top to bottom, right to left direction.

          Plus, HK folks do not use colloquial Mandarin grammar in that way.

          • Brett Hunan

            The first time in traditional its correct, the second time in simplified is correct as well. The third “学妹” looks a little effed up to me. Can these university students really not write the character correctly, or is it some older version of the character that predates anything I have ever learned?

          • linette

            Who wrote this? A third grader? Their teacher must be shaken their heads.

            警告學弟,

            你們的學姐是我們的,
            我們的學妹是我們的,
            必要時你們也是我們的.

          • rollin wit 9’s

            Linette是谁? 她应该是我的. ^^;v
            如果你会读这个你是我的
            中国CCP是我的
            中国所有的妓女都是我的
            你的工钱是我的
            CS是我的
            Fauna是我的
            你喜欢CS你是我的
            你不喜欢CS你也是我的
            你没有父母你是我的
            你有父母你也是我的
            你的大麻是我的
            那个非常漂亮酒吧女是我的
            你的internet connection和wifi都是我的
            必要时所有的东西是我的
            你回答你是我的

  • Brett Hunan

    Of the 8 famous cuisines, Hunan has been my favorite. Anyone else have a preference?

    • Cooljackal

      Do you know what Hohhot cuisine would fall into? I had it once when I was there and it was completely different than anything I had ever eaten in China (even though it’s inner Mongolia), it was great!

      • donscarletti

        It’s called “Mongolian cuisine”. Similar to what they cook in Ulan Batur and Xilinhot.

        Those 8 just cover “China Proper” i.e. the North China Plain, Sichuan basin, Yangtze and Pearl River Deltas. They do not cover minority cuisines or regional cuisines with strong minority influences such as Xinjiang (Uyghur), Tibetan, Dongbei (Manchu), Yunan (Yi, Bai), Guizhou (Miao, Buyei), Guangxi (Zhuang), Gansu (Hui), etc.

        • Anon E Moose

          Gansu province ? That’s the place where they eat Donkeys, don’t they ?

          Mmmmmm, nothing better than a good piece of Ass!

          • moop

            donkey is awesome. its actually got a nice marble to it

          • donscarletti

            Donkey tastes really good. Plus, 兰州拉面 Lanzhou La Mian is named after the provincial capital. Mmmm, mouth watering.

        • Cooljackal

          See I also thought it would be mongolian cuisine but it isn’t. I had proper mongolian food there as well and it was…quite interesting, especially the intestines stuffed with solidified blood haha.

          But Hohhot itself, the local food was completely different. It was more like slightly baked and steamed whole veggies (no oil), whole grain honeycomb and string pasta (again almost no oil). All of this was eaten together with lightly salted goat broth that had some sliced potatoes in it.

          It was nothing like mongolian cuisine.

    • moop

      i like them all, depends on what i’m looking for, but overall maybe 鲁菜 maybe my favorite from the 8 traditional schools. but i really enjoy xinjiang and yunnan food

    • cc

      I think all Chinese food is greasy, tasteless crap unless it comes from Sichuan.

  • James

    There was a poll on another site for the 8 best cuisines of China among foreigners living in China. It’s pretty cool
    http://tiny.cc/1ay4kw

    • Dutchman

      thanks James hahahaha at least a nice prank..hope chinese also click it as.. i wasnt scared hahaha

    • Harland

      It’s not a poll. Don’t waste your time clicking the link, it’s one of those shock videos.

  • Rod

    It’s funny how underaged sex is such a hilarious joke in Chinese. Haha. Seniors fucking freshman. Yeah. So funny.

    • donscarletti

      Freshmen generally are at least 17.

      And in China the seniors are not nearly as likely to successfully get inside freshmen as 50 year old wealthy businessmen or government officials are.

      • Jahar

        or 35 year old english teachers

  • Muslim extremists have a better sense of humor.

    • Cooljackal

      Haha, best comment yet

  • Chris

    You don’t understand our culture!

  • Annie

    maybe 学长 is better translated as “upperclassmen”?

  • Jennster

    yang mi is cool…

  • hippie

    Whoever runs this site…please stop these kinds of post. It’s awful. There is much better stuff going on. This reminds me of my first year in china when i would pull shit out of my ass to teach the kids because i was too lazy to come up with something new. this is the same shit. stop it.

    • Brett Hunan

      You do something better, you uppity, self righteous, jackass.

      Who is forcing you to click on the link that directs you here? If Rensi’s posts haven’t been viewed by tons of people, do you really think Fauna would’ve allowed this to go on since March? Obviously, people don’t comment as much as on the controversial topics but that doesn’t mean that no one enjoys these posts. Get over yourself.

      • RuffledFeathers

        What are you talking about? He’s making a legitimate comment, which he has every right to make. He doesn’t think the jokes posts are that important or worthy of attention compared to more significant news and current events.

        …and what’s with the anger? why should he do something better? it’s not his responsibility to. Uppity? I don’t think you know what this word means. You want to talk about self righteousness?

        “Get over yourself” This sounds like a self righteous statement if I’ve ever heard one.

        It seems the ones who preach the most against hate are the biggest haters.

        Also, if you love these posts so much, why don’t you do better to improve them?

        • Brett Hunan

          Sure. Here we go again. Now I have to pull an “anon” on your ass.

          “…he has every right to make”. No. He has the permission of Fauna and other moderators to make comments on this website. He has no ‘right’ do to anything here. It isn’t his site, or mine or yours. His comment isn’t “legitimate”, it was rude and disrespectful towards the translator who took time out of her day to make this post available to us.

          There is a difference between requesting more “important or worthy of attention” stories and shitting on Rensi’s work.

          Comparing what her work to

          “pull shit out of my ass …. because i was too lazy to come up with something new. this is the same shit. stop it.”

          is not only ‘uppity’ and ‘self-righteous’ but it gives the impression that hippie himself could do better. I challenged him to do so.

          Why should I “do better to improve [the posts]” when I’m not complaining about them?

          “…the ones who preach the most against hate are the biggest haters”. I don’t even understand that. What am I hating? People being uppity assholes? Okay, I’m a hater.

          chinaSMACK already covers a lot of “important” stories. There is nothing stopping hippie or yourself from visitng those stories and avoiding these. I don’t even know what you are doing here, other than trying to ruffle my feathers. Neither you nor hippie make any valid points. hippie acted like a 2 year old; “Mommy! I don’t like it! I don’t like it!”

          Yourself, you didn’t even try to argue anything other than explaining hippie’s thoughts (which were already made clear by hippie himself, by the way). The only other thing you tried to do (you failed) was to make it personal by putting me down. Nice.

          • RuffledFeathers

            Now who’s acting like a 2 year old?

          • Brett Hunan

            Well thought out rebuttle, RuffledFeathers. Its clear you only posted to troll me because you didn’t like that I called hippie for acting like he deserves to be served better by “whoever runs this site”. If you cant take 2 minutes to visit the “about us” page and find out who to address, why should anyone take your comment as more than a man screaming at the top of a mountain just for the sake of screaming?

          • RuffledFeathers

            Let’s get back to the point in hand.

            My issue is why are you so defensive of the postings and opinions of ChinaSMACK? Sometimes people aren’t interested in some of the stuff that’s posted, and this guy, hippie, whoever he/she is, was saying so, and yet you jump on his “disrespect towards the translators” like someone just slapped your mother. (by the way, hippie’s choice of words: “please stop these kinds of post” hardly seems that disrespectful, compared to yours: “You do something better, you uppity, self righteous, jackass”).

            I mean, jeez, what is your problem with other people disagreeing with you? Surely you’re the self-righteous jackass.

            Also:

            “I don’t even know what you are doing here…” Well, I’m posting my opinions on a public forum. Isn’t that the point of chinaSMACK?

          • Brett Hunan

            Great point. He said “please” so that makes what he wrote polite. Please fuck off.

          • RuffledFeathers

            Can we agree to disagree about this?

          • Brett Hunan

            That was an option from the beginning.

        • RuffledFeathers

          And you missed the point of what I’m saying yet again, clouded by your righteous indignation, no doubt. Now, I don’t really give a shit about arguing with you, you’re obviously implacable and too arrogant to understand a different opinion. However, if you’re going to be commenting on a website that is designed to promote differing viewpoints, don’t you think it’s a good idea to be a little open minded?

          • Brett Hunan

            I just replied to you on the Japan post.

            Your point here is moot. I am not defensive of opinions against chinaSMACK. I am against people shitting on another person’s hard work.

            hippie was being an asshole towards Rensi, so I in-turn was an asshole back. I did, however, make many valid and unbiased points that you never responded to.

            Main points (last time before this argument becomes repetitive and we get moderated):
            1. His comment isn’t “legitimate”, it was rude and disrespectful towards the translator.
            2.There is a difference between requesting more “important or worthy of attention” stories and shitting on Rensi’s work.
            3. chinaSMACK already covers a lot of “important” stories. There is nothing stopping hippie or yourself from visitng those stories and avoiding these.
            4. Obviously, people don’t comment as much as on the controversial topics but that doesn’t mean that no one enjoys these posts.

            Your main tiff with me is that I called out hippie and you didn’t like it. I have never said that other people’s opinions aren’t valid. In fact, I understand hippies opinion. I don’t think all the jokes are funny either. But I don’t agree with his approach.

            Look back at all the old jokes and song posts ever and you will notice that I have never jumped on anyone who posted that they don’t like the jokes or think the posts suck. I only did this time because it wasn’t just a “I don’t like these posts” comment. It was (again!) rude and disrespectful. How does that make me narrow-minded?

            Just because this is a public blog doesn’t give anyone the right to do anything. Fauna allows us to act like idiots because one of the main points of this site is that “everyone is the same, no matter where we come from”. You and I both have Fauna’s permission to post here. In other words, we are guests. Show manners to those running the site (I regret that one time I was also rude and disrespectful to the mods, but that was resolved with emails between myself and Fauna) and enjoy it or not, don’t tell them that they “are too lazy to come up with something worthwhile” because you (subjectively) don’t like it.

    • Wu

      I am glad for these posts. They let me know my students are not total twits when it comes the world outside of school. Normally my students know these jokes if I share them. I honestly worried about some of them going to college next year, they are so passive and cluesless in class.

    • Jeffli

      gOOD TO SEE EVERYONE WORKING AND STUDYING SO HARD INSTEAD OF LEAVING COMMENTS ON HERE!
      :-)

  • Bo Xilai For Emperor

    Wait, is this headlines? What about the brawl between two groups of workers at Foxxcon factory? Is there anything on that?

  • pokosan

    Honestly, wstching news abut demonstration and protest against jap products in china are mch funnier than jokes here…

  • Olrik

    You Chinatown gals just line up now and this gwaii-looww will donate all the jism you require for your sexual and skin care needs… Love, – Olrik

  • the ace of books

    All this hating on the joke posts. Get to the left, all you 楼上s, I totally giggled at most of these and laughed outright at the cafeteria-food-as-China’s-ninth-cuisine one.

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