Chinese Students, Inflation and How Humans Taste

I have a question: Are Mayans reliable? If they are, I will not study for the finals.

The Mesoamerican Step Pyramid

Know what the highest level of zhai is? I’m a university senior, and I still got lost on campus yesterday.

screaming rabbit

In Economics class, the professor asked what the difference between tóu zī [“investment”] and tóu jī [“speculation”] is. A guy answered: “One is Mandarin, and the other is Cantonese…”

Cantonese curse word

Can you figure this one out?

In middle school, when teaching about generating electricity through friction, the physics teacher asked: “When we take off a sweater in winter, we hear static, and even flashes [of electricity]. But it’s not like this in summer. Why?” A guy sitting in the back: “Because we don’t wear sweaters in the summer.”

two eggs

I often see people talking about chi huo! Let me tell you about my son! When my son eats, I’ll stand by him and repeatedly say: “Baby, lift your head up and get some fresh air!!!”

Chubby boy answered the question "What do you think is happiness"

[Note: “Are You Happy?” was a national interview project conducted by CCTV before the 18th National Congress of the Communist Party of China, widely ridiculed by Chinese netizens as blatant propaganda that is simultaneously out of touch with the popular public sentiment. In the above screenshots of one such interview, the reporter asks, “What is happiness?” whereby the conspicuously portly elementary schoolboy answers, “Happiness is getting enough to eat and wearing enough to be warm.”]

When you call your girlfriend 11 times but she doesn’t answer even once, you still can’t be certain that she’s in trouble, but when you see 11 missed calls on your mobile phone all from your girlfriend, what you can be certain is that you’re in trouble…

kneeling down on a washboard

I once fancied a girl who was a medical student and went to class with her. That day, I don’t know if the teacher went crazy or something, but the teacher started talking about how one could slowly poison their husband so he would die a mysterious and sudden death. There were options for feeding him poison over half a year, a year, and 10 years. Seeing her eyes lighting up as she diligently took notes, I decided we would just be good friends.

shivering

【What’s inflation】 Thirty years ago, a fake rich guy from Taiwan could marry a top-tier mainland beauty; Twenty years ago, a Taiwanese sugar daddy could keep an extramarital sugar baby [lover] in southern China; Ten years ago, a Taiwanese farmer could spend very little money to take home a mainland girl; Five years ago, an elite mainland man could marry an elite Taiwanese woman; Over the past two years, mainland guys of the rich second-generation have focused on marrying Taiwanese female stars. This is what inflation is.

Wang Xiaofei married Barbie Hsu

Wang Xiaofei married Taiwanese star Barbie Hsu.

Last night I dreamed that God said he could make one of my wishes come true. I took out a globe and said I wanted world peace. He said, “Too difficult, make another wish.” I took out your photo and said I wanted this person to become beautiful. He thought for a while and then said, “Give me the globe again. Let me take another look…”
globe

An excerpt regarding medicines and their tastes from the the “Human” chapter  of Compendium of Materia Medica: [Head] hair, bitter; dandruff, salty and/or bitter; earwax, salty and/or bitter; knee grime/skin, sweet and/or salty; human feces, bitter; human urine, salty; menstruation, salty; human semen, sweet; teeth tartar, salty; skull (only the fully decomposed is good), salty… You think Grandpa Bei [Bear Grylls] is good? Dr. Li [Li Shizhen], you are the real hero.

Bencao Gangmu

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  • mr.wiener

    actually some of those were pretty funny.

    • Germandude

      Really? Do I need to get a pro-membership to open a hidden page with funny jokes?Because I didn’t detect any humor here. And I am trying hard already…

      • linette lee

        These jokes are not very funny at all.

        • Germandude

          Yes. So since we agree on that, could you please tell me your favorite joke?

          • linette lee

            I don’t know. I don’t know any good jokes. You want blonde joke?

            A brunette says to a blonde “Look! A dead bird!” and the blonde looks up and says “Where?”

            You know chinese joke?

          • Germandude

            I like jokes about stereotypes. So here you are:

            Q: What do you call a pissed off German?
            A: Sauerkraut.

            Q: What do you call a Blind German?
            A: a Not see

            Q: Why do they bury Germans 20 meters underground?
            A: Because deep down they are really nice.

            Q: Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France?
            A: Germans like to march in the shade.

            Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
            A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

            I’ll give you some Chinese jokes in a minute.

          • DavidisDawei

            Bravo

          • linette lee

            Sauerkraut…hehehe…

            You german like to eat Sauerkraut. We like to eat hot and sour cabbage soup. It’s really good. NExt time put some hot sauce in your sauerkraut. :)

          • Germandude

            Q: How does a blonde girl try to kill a bird?
            A: By throwing it from the balcony.

            A blonde girl is about to get raped in a forest when suddenly a man in black jumps out of a bush and kills the attacker. “So that you don’t forget who rescued you, I will cut a big “Z” into your arm”. The blonde answers: “Thank you Zuperman”.

          • MrT

            sounds very much like peasant food if im not mistaken.

          • Gay Azn Boi

            Haha loved it.

          • Gay Azn Boi

            Germandude, are you actually German or no?

          • Germandude

            Ja na klar. Warum fragst Du?

          • Gay Azn Boi

            Ich bin nur neugierig. Ich denke einige deutsche Jungs sind wirklich sexy :p

          • Germandude

            Sagt meine Frau auch. Haha

          • Guest

            Do you know the band Tokio Hotel? I used to be obsessed with Bill Kaulitz….so sexy

          • DavidisDawei

            “World Behind My Wall”….I Like that Song!

          • Germandude

            The music of the band Tokio hotel… I knew there is a reason why Germany doesn’t have the death penalty anymore.

          • Gay Azn Boi

            Kennen Sie die Band Tokio Hotel? Früher habe ich mit Bill Kaulitz besessen zu sein …. so sexy

          • Germandude

            Q: What’s the difference between Siegfried & Roy and the Schumacher brothers?
            A: The facial expression when one crashes the other from behind.

          • Germandude

            Q: What do you call a Chinese rapist?
            A: Rai Ping Yu

            Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in China?
            A: He couldn’t find 3 wise men or a virgin.

            Q: How do you know if an Chinaman robbed your house?
            A: Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway.

            Q: Why is there no Disneyland in China?
            A: No one’s tall enough to go on the good rides.

          • linette lee

            haaha…these are good. hahah.. lol

            btw…there is a disneyland in Hongkong. But I haven’t been there yet. Maybe I will go this coming summer when I go back. :)

          • trouse

            grin…now lol

          • DavidisDawei

            Can’t go wrong with Helen Keller Jokes – for example –
            How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?

          • DavidisDawei

            Answer:
            She Answered the Iron instead of the telephone

          • DavidisDawei

            How did Helen Keller burn the other side of her face?

          • DavidisDawei

            Answer:
            They called back

          • mr.wiener

            My wife said she wanted to be treated “like a princess” for her birthday. So I got drunk ,put her in the back of a mercedes and ran it into a concrete wall.

          • Germandude

            Holy mother of god…

            Q: What do lady Di and a mobile phone have in common?
            A: They both die in tunnels!

          • Gay Azn Boi

            Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
            (must read out loud)

            1) That’s not right……………………………… Sum Ting Wong

            2) Are you harboring a fugitive………………. Hu Yu Hai Ding

            3) See me ASAP…………………………………… Kum Hia Nao

            4) Stupid Man……………………………………… Dum Fuk

            5) Small horse…………………………………. Tai Ni Po Ni

            6) Did you go to the beach?………………….. Wai Yu So Tan

            7) I bumped in to a coffee table……….. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

            8) I think you need a face lift…………………. Chin Tu Fat

            9) It’s very dark in here………………………… Wao So Dim

            10) I thought you were on a diet…………… Wai Yu Mun Ching

            11) This is a tow away zone………………….. No Pah King

            12) staying out of sight………………………… Lei Ying Lo

            13) He’s cleaning his automobile……………. Wa Shing Ka

            14) Your body odor is offensive……………… Yu Stin Ki Pu

            15) Great………………………………………….. Fa Kin Su Pah

          • DavidisDawei

            My Mandarin Name is
            Dawei Hung Down Ni

          • Germandude

            Seriously, who is Helen Keller? Of course I will google now.

          • DavidisDawei

            HaHa – Sorry – I guess I was being provincial.

            I jest, but in actuality Helen Keller (and her teacher Annie Sullivan) were extraordinary women; pioneers that helped countless people.

            Imagine being born into the world blind and deaf; and then going on to function well enough to earn a college degree? Amazing!!

            I meant no dis-respect.
            I’ll try this joke instead –

            What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?

          • DavidisDawei

            answer:
            ART

          • Germandude

            Q: What’s the difference between Mitt Romney and a can of dog food?
            A: The dog food is also available with brain.

          • DavidisDawei

            What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the front door?

          • DavidisDawei

            answer:
            MATT

          • DavidisDawei

            What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your swimming pool?

          • DavidisDawei

            answer:
            BOB

          • mr.wiener

            What do you call a man with a shovel?

          • DavidisDawei

            Digger?

          • mr.wiener

            Doug.
            What do you call a man without a shovel?

          • DavidisDawei

            Doug-Less…..Douglas?

          • Germandude

            Shovelman?

          • DavidisDawei

            Doug?

  • Gay Azn Boi

    God I hope the Mayans were right about December 21, 2012 because then I won’t study for my finals either…

    • Alphy

      I thought it was Dec 7, at 9am? Are telling me the Apocalypse is not over yet? Man.. I should have stayed in my bunker.

    • G$

      My last final is Dec 18 -.-

      • Gay Azn Boi

        LOL mine is 17th!

    • The Acidic Hasidic

      Reminds me of that scene from 2 and a half men, where jake hopes there is an earthquake in malibu so he wont have to do his homework.

    • DavidisDawei

      GAB, Maybe it will be 12/2o in Toronto

  • Roihu

    “Seeing her eyes lighting up as she diligently took notes, I decided we would just be good friends.”

    Something tells me she’d be freaky in bed, though.

  • Alex

    Didn’t chuckle to any of them.

  • ShuangXi

    Any ideas on the ‘investment’/’speculation’ joke? I don’t get it

    • Germandude

      Cantonese are famous for gambling? Hence speculation rather than investing.

    • Anxi

      In cantonese, investing is called “tao ji” which sounds very similar to “tou ji” in putonghua/mandarin.

  • Super Bunny

    I give one out!

    • Mikeew8

      Awesome picture!!! Rocco!

  • Mikeew8

    Q: Do you know why Hellen Keller couldn’t drive?

    A: Because she was a woman.

    (Sorry ladies)

  • I really enjoy trying to decipher the jokes after they’ve been massacred in translation. I’ve got a Chinese wife and she just looks bemused, then hours later she might suddenly understand what one of them was trying to say. At 4am tonight, I fully expect her to sit up in bed and say “Oh, tou ji! Right, I get it now. Still not funny though.”

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