Summer, Historical Literature, & Creative Ads

Warning: Much (but not all) of this week’s jokes and humor post will be a test of your familiarity with Chinese culture, literature, and famous historical figures…

Someone said, “When it comes to great men like Qu Yuan, we should have at least 30 days off in honor of him.” This statement resonated with the bottom of my heart…

eating Zong Zi in honor of Qu Yuan for the Dragon Boat Festival

Right, it’s getting hotter these days, and supermarkets have begun selling summer sleeping mats, but you really needn’t go this far.

sleeping mats fashion

In the past, you had to pry open the swimwear to see the butt; now, you have to pry open the butt to see the swimwear. Now that’s what I call “the three vulgarities” ["low, vulgar, and pandering"]! ——Guo Degang

a chinese couple in the 1950s

Summer is here, the season for watermelons to play cute again!!!

watermelons play cute

The grandfather said to the grandson, “Did you know Jin Yong‘s fourteen novels could be put together to form a poetic couplet? ‘Shooting a white deer, snow flutters around the skies; Smiling, [one] writes about the divine chivalrous one, leaning against bluish lovebirds (or lover).’”

The grandson answered with contempt, “Did you know the first words of the seven books written by J.K. Rowling can be put together to make the sentence: ‘Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha?’”

[Note: The Chinese translation of Harry Potter is 《哈利•波特》 hālì bōtè. The grandson above is referring to the "Ha-" in "Harry" being the first word of the seven books and thus being a pun for laughter.]

Liu Yifei in the TV series The Return of the Condor Heroes

I suddenly thought of a very profound question: In the many years after Yang Guo lost his hand, just how did he trim his fingernails?

fictional character Yang Guo in The Return of the Condor Heroes

Every time Duan Yu chased a woman, his father would tell him: [She's] Your sister!!

[Note: Duan Yu is a fictional character in Jin Yong's novel Demi-Gods and Semi-Devils who unknowingly chases and falls in love with many of his half-sisters. Now "your sister" is also a popular Chinese curse/expletive.]

your sister

Zhan Zhao said to the petitioners, “Don’t worry. Judge Bao is a good judge ‘one can use a lantern and still not find’!”
Judge Bao: Officer Zhan, am I really that black (dark)?”

[Note: There are several parts to this joke. "One can use a lantern and still not find" is a Chinese idiom referring to something's rarity. Zhan is telling the people who have come with grievances that they can trust the government official Bao as there is figuratively no other official as good and honest as he is. Bao Zheng in return makes a joke asking and quipping about how "black" or "dark" he must be if he literally can't be found even with a lantern (light). 黑 hēi, black or dark, here can also be interpreted figuratively as "corrupt", adding another twist to this joke, where Bao is asking Zhan if he is really such a "black" (corrupt) official.]

Judge Bao and Officer Zhan

Sweeter than one’s first love…

orange ad

An advertisement for a plastic surgery center in Hong Kong——no further explanation necessary, this is the best plastic surgery ad I’ve ever seen!

Taiwanese plastic surgery center ad cleverly pokes fun at small eyes.

The only thing you should worry about is how to explain it to your children.

[Note: This advertisement has been circulating on the Chinese internet attributed to a Hong Kong cosmetic center, probably because of a mistaken post on a popular Hong Kong discussion forum. However, the ad actually originated from and belongs to a plastic surgery clinic in Taiwan.

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  • MansuMusa

    Sofa

  • Zhang

    Today we will celebrate Dragon Boat Festival, a very ancient and traditional festival that Chinese people have enjoy for a long history. On this day, we give respect to a man of honor. We can try to enjoy China without the outside influence. I think many of you are very interested in learning Chinese culture, so you can study hard!

    • linette

      Hey….I was waiting for the sofa :(

    • Frank Zappa

      outside influence…? too late, china is more western than west for a lot of things.

      • Zhang

        You can come and see for yourself. China has a very old culture. It is very mysterious and confusing for foreign person without the old culture.

        • Small Bean

          I am intrigued by your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

          Me thinks Zhang is not along the Eastern coast of China, as I tend to agree with Frank’s statement.
          OHHHH, I get it, extreme promiscuity (openness), drugs, and exploitation of the working class IS “old culture” in China, the west is just many years behind in proper development… You need to understand, we from the West come from developing cultures.

        • Little Wolf

          In Sweden there are some really cool Viking boats with dragons on the front. They had some races sometimes in their free time from raping and plundering and pillaging. Especially the raping. Sometimes they would race to the next plundering zone since the last boat to arrive would have to settle for the big-boned, ugly wenches. Then the Chinese copied it and claimed it as their own invention thus keeping the tradition alive to this day.

          • jeffli

            Vikings were pussies!
            All they did was was kill non-combative monks and nuns in monasteries. The Normans kicked their butts big time!

            every body had dragon decorated boats including ancient Greeks.

            Vikings were quite superstitious scaredy cats (Saxons too!)

          • Boris

            Oh my sweet Christ -did I really just read Vikings were pussies? They were certainly far less barbaric than we give them credit for (the blood-eagle sacrifice was probably never performed), but their stategies were extremely efficient. They destabilised the Carolingian Empire, and it took the mobilisation of almost every English adult under Alfred the Great to stop his realm from being subdued.

          • hess

            “Vikings were pussies!”
            Why?

          • mr. wiener

            “The Normans kicked their butts big time!”
            The Normans were Vikings who settled in France genius. The only thing new they had added to the Viking arsenal [which was basic to begin with, but very practical] was heavy cavalry.
            The Vikings where opportunists so naturally they’d choose easy targets such as monesteries which also had considerable amounts of wealth as people where heavily taxed by the church and also encouraged to leave money or land to the church in their wills [as a guarantee for making it to heaven].
            When pushed by a strong aggressor the vikings would band to together and hand out some serious punishment and usually some nasty forms of execution as a warning . Carving “the blood eagle” was mentioned [could have happened] , but they could also cut a hole in your stomach and nail a loop of your intestines to a post, then chase you round and round it until your guts where wrapped all the way around it.
            The Norse religion was cruel and the Vikings were very superstitious ,but they valued courage as only warriors who died in battle got to go to Valhalla.

          • Little Wolf

            Well…they do know from the armor they have found that Vikings were not very big and didn’t wear horns like the Vikings you see in all the Norse mythology movies and pictures.

            Sidebar: In Stockholm is the Vasa Ship which when built was among the biggest, baddest ship ever built (64 cannons and guns) and national symbol of Swedish power. No expense was spared in decorating and equipping the Vasa, which was also one of the largest and most heavily armed warships of its time.
            Vasa was intended to express the expansionist aspirations of Sweden and to glorify king Gustavus Adolphus.

            On it’s maiden voyage, after much fanfare it sailed away in glory…..almost 1 nautical mile into the harbor, foundered and sank into Dåvy Jönes Löcker.

            An inquiry was organized by the Swedish privy council to find personal responsibility for the disaster, but in the end no one was punished for the fiasco.

            Swedish with Chinese charateristics.

        • yanggay

          Yes, we have 5,000 years of spitting, peeing in public place, bad breath, and and non teeth brushing. Its very difficult for you “barbarians” to understand.

          • donscarletti

            yanggay : Oh, come on, the entire world, including China has far more than 5,000 years of spitting, peeing in public place, bad breath and non teeth brushing.
            Just in some places this phase of history has already finished.

            Zhang: assuming you’re not a troll, I just want to point out that it is quite rude to assume others come from cultures with short histories. Particularly in Europe you can see things like Pont du Gard and the Pantheon that date from the time of Han dynasty, you can read the works of Sophocles and Homer or look at the Venus de Milo and have a look at what was going on in Europe a few milenia back. And may I point out that the mathematical and astronomical works that 徐光启 translated 400 years ago were already 2000 years old at that point. Oh, and by the time the first written records in China, Egypt was already into it’s “New Kingdom”. Chinese history is long and great too, but you don’t have to be a patronising dick about it.

          • http://www.bestvpninchina.com Rod

            Nice name.

        • GodsHammer

          In case you haven’t gathered…a LOT of the people on this board LIVE IN CHINA. Stop trying to give us the guided approved tour. Thanks…

          • donscarletti

            They LIVE IN CHINA, cohabitating with Chinese women and stealing national screts.

          • yanggay

            @Godshammer Do you live in China? If so, please provide the authorities with your relevant information as you are probably co habitating with our beautiful women and being a spy? Are you African? If so you must have been in GZ causing a ruckus, deportation for you, and no soup either!!!

          • GodsHammer

            We (the human animal) are all of African descent, but no…I am not from Africa. Yes, I co-habitate with an indigenous female and yes she is beautiful. I also have (in the past…hehehe) fornicated with various sultry maidens of the Middle Kingdom. The authorities have seen it to give me a ‘BYE’ on this one, as I have attained a ‘Senior Spy’ merit badge and was given my Politburo Propaganda decoder ring (CCTV edition). ;)

        • jeffli

          hey Zhang, 2000 years (about) Emperor Qin standardised the Chinese writing system.

          before that time every small village had different meanings for “turtle shell cracks”.

          Latin, however still exists (in high academic levels) after 3000 years of usage!

        • Chef Rocco

          You are deadly wrong, Zhang. Many people here don’t consider Chinese culture mysterious and confusing like a rare mushroom, they are treating it as a masturbation toy.

          So save your tour guide enthusiasm for yourself and try harder with your paddle on dragon boat.

        • Frank Zappa

          china has an old culture..yes, but the rests are in taiwan maybe, in china it remain just a few. Anyway i come from a culture old as well, and i perfectly know that beeing from a country with an old culture does’t mean anything about the culture of the people that nowdays are living there. Time change everything, even the mind of the people.

    • moop

      zhang, please go fuck yourself.

      [Note from chinaSMACK Moderator: Always remember, sometimes people are not who they appear to be.]

      • moop

        umm, why not just come out and say it? chinasmack should have a standard policy for when people use fake names or sock puppet. fauna has no problems louding people out when they do. the policy should be either everyone gets louded out for sock puppetry and fake names, regardless of the moderator, or no one at all.

        • donscarletti

          I think the mod is impying that they suspect Zhang is not really a Chinese nationalist and is merely putting on an act to get angry responses.

      • Tadd

        …after the Mod finishes f**king with you! Haha

        [Note from chinaSMACK Moderator: We're not fucking with moop. This isn't about him. It's about "Zhang".]

        • moop

          hurrrrrr

      • Brett Hunan

        @ chinaSMACK moderater-

        Weaksauce. So you are saying it Zhang is a different poster (Finkle is Einhorn) or you are warning moop that he just told his guardian angel, “fuck yourself”.

        Im with moop, please expose the person’s original name.

      • hess

        I’ve read a lot of clever words from you moop, but this is by far the smartest you’ve written.
        (not sure if comes out as sarcastic? not intended to though)

        • moop

          i aim to please my liege

      • mr. wiener

        If this is CB than it is his best impersonation since “Maja” , and to think Foreign Devil was trying to crack on to “her”, damn that was funny :D

        • jeffli

          “If this is CB”,
          nahhhhhh…. its probably LiGang’s lil’ brat

    • Young Man

      This Zhang guy walks into it every frigging time.

  • eattot

    that watermelon is cool,i made dolls by eggs too!!!

    • jeffli

      Me three!

      • jeffli

        I made a watermelon doll and gave it to my neighbour………………………
        I guess I’m not so skilled.

        But the Silly woman next door thought it was a masturbation toy for her husband!

        • Small Bean

          I am now worried that the sex industry is going to explode with the usage of mushrooms for less than appropriate purposes…..

  • yanggay

    I like the Hong Kong one

  • Tadd

    Western media would probably grab that last picture and slam it on the front page:
    “Asian couple force their kids to have plastic surgery”

    • mr. wiener

      Don’t know about that , could happen. I believe the “People’s Daily” once reported a story they’d found on “The Onion’s” site as true.

      • linette

        I love this last plastic surgery ad. It’s so outrageous and brilliant. So funny. I love it.

  • Brett Hunan

    Fauna and chinaSMACK mods!

    Will you please ban these chimpout mother fuckers from posting on chinaSMACK!!?? They reposted the “foreigner-girl-fight-middle-finger” article on their website and all rushed over here. There is a difference between people acting like idiots and people specifically coming to post anti-black agendas. If you continue to allow this, and let them link over to their website, I refuse to visit chinaSMACK anymore. I will also encourage others to not visit here either.

    • linette

      Yeah, why so many anti black comments here lately? Really crazy.

      • Frank Zappa

        @linette. why so many? i have a theory. probably they have been left by girlfriends for balckmen, or refused and saw girls they like with blackmen. i know, it soulds ridiculus, but it about what happend to Brevik in Norway. What, somtimes, happen in china.. reason why there are quite a lot of young chinese men that hate forigners. And of course happen everywhere… Girls are one of the main reason of racism…

        • mr. wiener

          Nope that comment is less “Bobby Brown” and more “Valley Girl”.

    • mr. wiener

      You ever played that arcade game where you have to hit the gophers on the head with a mallet? It’s kind of like that.
      I’d certainly be in favor of the moderators exposing the sock puppets and multiple name users, But ultimately the stupidity and ignorance of these poo-flinging chimps only mirrors the antics of some of the more crude and self satisfied comments from many of the Chines netizins above.
      We aren’t so different after all………Now where did I put my mallet?

      [Note from chinaSMACK Moderator: Not all of these people are from Chimpout and not all of them are engaging in sock-puppetry. Abort & Deport just started a few hours ago, and we aren't able to monitor the comments 24 hours a day. We're trying our best but you guys need to let us do our jobs. That also means being careful with speculation. We're certain you guys don't see most of what we see and do, and naturally we aren't able to get every violation. We're outnumbered even with the tools we have. If you have any questions about our policies, please see our Comment FAQ (we have to make judgement calls, and Rule #7 is very rarely enforced for obvious reasons). Otherwise, our experience shows that this is correct. It's the same situation with the India post, and to be fair to Fauna and the Chinese bloggers on this website, they have to put up with this on almost every other post that involves Chinese people.).]

      • Brett Hunan

        I think that this has gone beyond “we arent so different”. Is this chinaSMACK, or encourage race-flame-wars-against-blacksSMACK?

        [Note from chinaSMACK Moderator: Patience, chinaSMACK isn't race-flame-wars-against-ChineseSMACK either but it happens too.]

        • Brett Hunan

          Everytime this gets brought up you mods just copy and paste but replace “______” with “Chinese”. I see Fauna personally trained you.

          The difference is this is a place to talk about China and Chinese people, but when the black racist stuff moves on to other stories, its about time to call in damage control. But I guess sensationalism brings in the advertisement money, huh? Nope, its not race-flame-wars-against-ChineseSMACK either, more like get-as-many-hits-as-possible-at-any-costSMACK.

          • GodsHammer

            Haaa… you finally had enough? Mods don’t care, man…
            I discovered a long time ago that there are a certain % of whites that come to China and Asia in general to be free of ‘the threat’. They spread their BS to the locals with very little provocation and when black people show up, it’s already an uphill battle.
            Seriously, I wish people would talk that smack in the street…my Chinese friends would be much quicker on the trigger than I would. ;)

      • mr. wiener

        Fair enough CS Mods. I’m good with that. It has been a busy week.

        • Brett Hunan

          I dont think there is anyone who cant like you. You are TOO REASONABLE mr. wiener. :)

          • mr. wiener

            Fuck you Brett.
            Anyhoo, I don’t think Fman likes me much. I think I made him cry.

  • Vincent

    I didn’t read it LOL ^_^

  • Regina

    I don’t get Chinese humor.

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