Technology, Chinese Poetry, Breakups & Beauty

The most important thing learned from an internship with Baidu is that adding “wap” before “wenku” in the link will enable you to copy any part of the document; the most important thing learned from an internship with Youku is that adding “xia” after “youku” in the link will enable you to download the video; the most important thing learned from an internship with Tudou is that adding “?tid=-1” will enable you to skip the 45-second commercial. What’s the most important thing you learned from an internship?

naughty cat

Everyone says that Shanghainese men are especially good husbands, and I finally believe it. One time a friend of mine was at a coffee shop in Shanghai. At the table beside him were two men having a private conversation.

A: I’m really looking forward to the iPhone 5 coming out.

B: So are many other people.

A (rubbing his hands together): As soon as the iPhone 5 comes out…I’ll be able to use my wife’s iPhone 4S! 

Zhou Libo, a Shanghainese husband

-How did you feel when you came out of your mom’s belly?

-At the end of the wood was the fountainhead of the stream. I beheld a hill, with a small opening from which issued a glimmer of light. I stepped ashore to explore the crevice. My first steps took me into a passage that accommodated only the width of one person. After I progressed about scores of paces, it suddenly widened into an open field.

[Note: This joke is funny because the answer is adapted from the second paragraph of “A Tale of the Fountain of the Peach Blossom Spring” by Tao Qian/Tao Yuanming. The above English translation was originally done by Luo Jingguo.]

The Chinese Utopia

The peach blossom spring is the standard Chinese term for ‘utopia’.

Tang poetry can basically be summarized as: The countryside has homebodies, the borderlands has fenqing, nostalgia can’t be handled, saying goodbye is filled with homosexuality.

[Note: There is a number of ways of interpreting this joke and what it is actually talking about.]

ancient Chinese gay men

A guy had a fight with his girlfriend. He called her preparing to apologize and when the call finally went through after ringing for a long time…

Woman: “Sorry…”
Man (very excited but pretending to be calm): “You finally realized you were wrong.”
Woman: “…the number you have dialed cannot be completed at this time.”
Man: “…”

Various forms of Jiong

A guy decided to “put all his cards on the table” with his girlfriend. Girl: Give me a reason for why you want to break up with me. Guy: We’re incompatible. Girl: How are we incompatible? Guy: Our sexes are incompatible [meaning he is gay]

Ultraman and little monster

The most ridiculous reasons for breaking up:

He supports Spain but I support Italy.

One supports Han Han, and the other one supports Fang Zhouzi.

– I was too stingy to treat him to dumplings.

– You are too tall, it’s inconvenient for us to hold hands.

– The amount of food you eat keeps increasing.

– She is very light-skinned while I am very dark-skinned. [We broke up] to avoid giving birth to an Oreo.

– A friend of mine fell in love with you. Go be with him.

– The Taiwanese Christian girl fell in love with the Party member, but the Party member was not willing to give up his faith in great Communism.

Gao Yuanyuan and Zhao Youting

Taylor Swift‘s big transformation…A netizen’s reaction: Life is full of hope.

Taylor Swift

After watching Painted Skin 2, I learned one thing: There is only one situation where a man doesn’t care about a woman’s appearance—when he’s blind.

Painted Skin 2

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  • Canadian_Skies

    SOFA — Anyone ever hear Chinese “cold jokes/humour” ? Not funny at all.

    • Chef Rocco

      Agreed, but I hope you are able to vacuum under your sofa with your attachment, and remember you sofa isn’t under Canadian skies at all.

      • Canadian_Skies

        Vacuum, sofa, … ohhhhhh! Hahaha I see what you did there! Man, this whole time I never understood cold humour … thanks Captain Chef Rocco!

    • wolololooooo

      Your opinion combined with your action (using the coldest joke in the internet) is a little bit ironic.

      • Canadian_Skies

        Thanks Captain Obvious. It’s ruined if it has to be explained. :) But good job little buddy!

        • FUCK EFL

          I still reckon most people find SOFA funny here.

  • markus

    the 1st one

    “internship with Youku is that adding “xia” after “youku” in the link will enable you to download the video”

    This is very intresting and will cone in handy sometime

    • Bereaver

      Yes indeed, and it appears it works with all the other websites as well.
      youku、tudou、ku6、youtube

      • Brett Hunan

        its awesome… vey helpful, but what kind of file does youku download as? would I be able to watch on my phone?

  • C

    The guy excited aobut the iPhone 5 coming out….TTATT HE’s sorely whipped

    • anon

      It’s quite funny if you’re familiar with the stereotype of Shanghainese husbands. It’s all in the subtlety of the punchline.

  • Trap

    Lack or replies just goes to show how much this most recent entry sucks IMHO

    • anon

      The jokes posts never have a lot of replies, or they’re off-topic. Either they all suck or maybe the usual commenters just don’t feel there’s much to remark upon. BTW, your humble opinion sucks IMHO.

      • Trap

        As others have said, there are more pressing issues going on in china such as the PLA going going to station troops in the disputed islands. Chinese jokes maybe funny, but in English it loses it’s “funniness” due to translation. I miss the interesting or racy articles that were common place when I first visited this site. If I wanted to hear cheesy, jokes that aren’t funny I would have watched the latest Adam sander movie.

        • anon

          I agree about Adam Sandler but I think I’ve said this before: They haven’t posted less of the content you’re referring to, they’ve merely added jokes to the mix. I suppose you can whine about dilution but I don’t think you can actually complain about interesting or racy article being less common. They’re still there, these jokes posts aren’t taking up the place of a regular article as far as I can tell. The way they post the jokes posts on the weekends seems to me like how newspapers post the comics section in their Sunday edition. Light fare for the weekend, but you’re getting the same or more regular articles throughout the week as before these jokes posts started appearing, aren’t you?

  • Dat Ankle

    Is Painted Skin a good movie?

    • Fabio

      i didn’t like it that much…nothing special. Funny part is that the bad one is a white barbarian-warlock..(strangely he’s the only white in his family)

    • anon

      I liked it. At the very least, you have to have a basic understanding of what yaoguai are in Chinese folklore to at least understand what the hell is going on. Overall though, the movie is a mix of wuxia and a love tragedy. It’s quite well done and also very intentionally sensual, if that’s something that interests you. Haven’t seen Painted Skin 2 though so I can’t comment on that one.

    • I Speak The Truth

      Painted Skin #1 was better….Painted Skin #2 was alittle ….eh not so good

  • Nick in Beijing

    Beijing suffers what the Telegraph newspaper calls “worst storm in 6 decades”, with estimated 50,000 people displaced in the mountains surrounding Beijing, and at least 37 confirmed dead. Weibo exploding as people criticize the hell out of CCTV for going ape shit over the recent shooting in a U.S. theater instead of covering the very real disaster happening right out there windows… And we are reading about cold jokes and looking at pictures of fruity wannabe lady gagas while there are other more discussion-worthy things happening.

    • anon

      1. These jokes and song posts have been coming out every weekend. Why are you surprised?

      2. Fauna’s Shanghainese. For all we know, she probably doesn’t give a shit about Beijing.

      3. It was the weekend, maybe Fauna was enjoying it instead of working for you for free?

      4. This may just be me, but haven’t we had enough “oh, look at that flooding!” posts this year? Doesn’t chinaSMACK post those sort of posts every year? Because it happens every year throughout China?

      5. I thought the big thing on Weibo was that Beijingers were sharing all the kind deeds they were rendering each other? I agree that’s notable, but I bet we wouldn’t make it to 20 comments before someone accuses it of being Chinese government propaganda.

      6. I agree with you on the unseemly nature to which the Chinese media (and some internet sites) took to the US theater shootings.

      7. Only a few of these were “cold jokes” by the Chinese definition.

      8. Nothing is stopping you from reading about “more discussion-worthy things”. I don’t believe Fauna is holding a gun to your head, is she? Thankfully no second amendment in China, right? Now, if so many people on Weibo can discuss such “discussion worthy” things, why can’t you? Why make yourself a slave to what chinaSMACK decides is worth publishing or the schedule of chinaSMACK’s posts? Fauna started a site to share what she wants to share. You can start a site too.

      • moop

        the coverage of the flooding has been awful. i was watching the news that night with my wife and we were both watching a crew of people “save” a guy from a submerged SUV. the anchorwoman was trying to pretend this guy was rescued, even though he had been trapped in an upside-down car filled with water for over 15 minutes. they pulled his lifeless body out of the car and declared him saved. then later in the program she talked with some guy involved or some official and asked a couple questions like “how long was he in the car”, “was there water in the car”, etc but most of the time she was trying to lead him into talking about the brave patriots helping “rescue” this man. asking “how many 老百姓 were giving a helping hand” or whatever it was and the guy she was questioning refused to acknowledge that the guy trapped in a fully-submerged SUV for 15 minutes wasnt dead or anything. then the next day they have the balls to put the clip of them pulling him out of the car in part of a montage of chinese people pulling together for the motherland. hello? they failed at saving this guy that died a preventable death.
        right outside my building, every grate on the side street that morning before the rain was already full of dirt and grass and trash, there was nowhere for the water to go. this is supposed to be the capital of the 2nd wealthiest nation on the planet and their sewer-system is probably worse than the Gupta’s or the Romans. yet despite this, the focus has been chinese people helping each other in hard times and look how violent america is, when the focus should be “maybe we should stop building bridges to nowhere and actually invest in real improvements for our country.

        welcome back from the 2-week break or so anon. the above isnt directed at you, just rambling because there isnt an article for that topic yet

        • Scott

          Not intending to be a wise-ass but ““maybe we should stop building bridges to nowhere (e.g. Gravina Island Bridge, Tombigbee Waterway) and actually invest in real improvements for our country”; by this you intended America or China? Or both?

          An outstanding example is The Dirksen Senate Office Building automatic train.

          • Scott

            I also recall Chicago’s Deep Tunnel intended as a storm catchment to relieve us urbanites near The Lake of basement flooding (our building was built in 1917 but flooded regularly) and stop water pollution. The largest engineering project of its kind in the world at the time, it wasn’t long in use before something, somewhere was terribly wrong. Cameras were lowered into the tunnel to behold the in rushing drain water creating wave surges 50 feet and higher rolling back and forth, pounding the hell out of the tunnel. Well, no one anticipated that one despite the shape of the tunnel. Roll a tube half-filled with water end to end; you get the idea.

            Los Angeles had serious flash floods because the storm drain channels were thick with vegetation.

            Just venting…

          • moop

            you are intending to be a wiseass and i live in china, live in beijing, so i’ll say whatever i want. what america does with its infrastructure is of no importance to china, but since i live in the northern capital i’ll shit all over their infrastructure as much as i see fit, considering myself and those i care about;s safety can be impacted by it

          • Scott

            Ah, you live in China, Beijing no less. Gee! So, another wizened expat, one of those not only taken with a severe case of the gripes but like his Chinese counterparts fevered to explain the China experience to the rest of us. You and Linette – Chinese girl posing as a master of things Chinese – are of the same ilk, same temper, both made bold on the anonymous internet.

            Good day.

          • moop

            aww look, i made a new friend, and one with authoritarian tendencies no less! i like you, i tell you what, lets make a deal: i’ll continue to comment on chinaSmack and you can continue to blow me

          • Scott

            But you’re not a tough guy. I know hard men, and they don’t spout off like you, because they calculate the consequences, nor do persons in real life speak like that, at least not in my face. You should watch yourself, Moop; one day your internet fantasy persona will come out in real life and you’ll suddenly have more trouble than you bargained for, and much more than your mouth can get you out of.

          • moop

            you’re right, i’m sorry. i mean, really really sorry. to think i was so rude to you. here, you can lick my asshole now and stop blowing me

          • Little Wolf

            Oh…I see how it works. moop says a smartass remark and self-appointed ” internet tough guy” Scott dares him to say it to his face. Whoa…… that is truly badass. Hey Scott, do me next!

          • Jin

            moop (aka dipshit)..mr wanker and little prick are internet bullies they act tough on the internet because in real life they are just sad pathetic people with no power so they come on here calling people names and making personal attacks.

          • moop

            this from the guy that said he would rather die than have a black person touch him.

      • Nick in Beijing

        You’ve got some fair points anon, but my point still stands that when something as big as the capitol of China being flooded, requiring evacuations, causing deaths, and highlighting the failure of basic infrastructure and the anger of netizens over all of this.

        One of my best friends is an assistant professor of journalism in one of the universities here, and she was talking about how the news coverage went down (none at first) and the eventual response by the media (finally sending news crews out to cover).

        In my mind this certainly qualifies as the kind of thing that a site called “CHINAsmack” out to be rushing to cover.

        As for the comment about no one is sticking a gun to my head? Nope. But I am a reader here. I help generate ad revenue for Fauna and co., and I have the right to express when I think the content offered is lacking.

        • nothanksrequired

          revenue?

        • anon

          As I’ve said above, I agree the Beijing rains are notable but I have to wonder if its a bit magnified for you (since your name suggests you’re in Beijing). I think more Chinese netizens are actually talking about the latest singing competition show in China than the Beijing storms, except for maybe Beijing netizens. I also believe flooding happens fairly regularly in Beijing when it rains. How often have we seen photos of waterfalls down Beijing subway stairs now?

          I’m not going to begrudge you of simply having expectations for a site or publication you read. We all come to expect things from that which we enjoy. However, I think there’s a line that can be crossed where you end up looking self-entitled and unreasonable, and I think you and some others cross that line.

          You may be generating pennies in ad revenue for chinaSMACK but again no one is forcing you to do so and I still don’t think that’s enough for you to be too demanding of someone who still ultimately is providing you with free high-quality translations and reading material. You’re not even paying a subscription or a cover price for this site. When things are put in perspective, I really don’t think the ad revenue argument is solid.

          However, I trust you fully understand my basic point. Ultimately it doesn’t reflect well upon you to throw a hissy fit at someone who doesn’t actually work for you because they haven’t delivered something you actually haven’t really paid for. I think there is more entitlement creep going on here than legit grievance.

          Anyway, by now you should’ve seen their latest post which is about your Beijing rainstorms. It’s a good post too.

          • Nick in Beijing

            It is indeed a good post Anon. I don’t agree that asking for more content, when more than one person has expressed a clear disinterest in the pop articles qualifies as a hissy fit.

            Come to think of it the coverage of events in Beijing are very few. That’s not to say that events in Beijing ought to be exclusively covered or get disproportionate coverage, China is a large country with a lot going on. I do think however that a place like Beijing (being the capitol of the country) deserves more coverage and more timely coverage because simply because of it’s status.

            A lot goes on here that is supposed represent the pinnacle (or at least one of the pinnacles) of Chinese civilization. It is the standard by which China measures prosperity and by which the international community measures prosperity in China. The center of politics and (supposedly) the center of art and culture. Lots of reasons it ought to be getting more coverage. Especially after a disaster that reflects so much about the character and quality of the city.

          • anon

            I think there’s a difference between asking for more content and putting down their other content. One is a request that can be made politely, the other looks self-entitled.

            About coverage for Beijing, haha, I’ll refer you back to my point #2!

            But a little more seriously, I guess we can look at this:

            http://www.chinasmack.com/tag/beijing
            http://www.chinasmack.com/tag/shanghai

            7 vs. 8 pages, so I think my suggestion of Shanghainese Fauna being biased against Beijing isn’t really valid! Damn.

            I always thought Shanghai measured China’s prosperity more than Beijing but I understand your point. Regards.

  • moop

    has anyone noticed alan hasnt been on this site since elijah went back to canada (unless he’s posing as someone else)?

    • Brett Hunan

      Yes, actually while cyber sleuthing today, the thought crossed my mind. But he may have been banned.

      • mr. wiener

        I think he’s pining for him.

        • Brett Hunan

          Shhhhh. dont make it too obvious

          • Let’s not feed the troll.

            Back in Canada and loving it, watching a thunderstorm now in Ottawa, soooooo nice.

            I haven’t commented much cause I haven’t had much to say or if it’s worth commenting.

    • whiskersthecat

      I know, right? Who would want to miss out on these amazing Chinese jokes? Right?

  • andywattbulb

    This shit has got to stop.

    • sm

      You have to stop….

      • donscarletti

        Your whole family has to stop!

        18 generations of your ancestors have to stop!

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