University Love and Help from Upperclassmen

The first joke below relies on Chinese polysemy, where certain words and phrases can have multiple meanings. Therefore, it is likely that only Chinese readers and learners may appreciate it. Try reading the Chinese first:

In university, there are two kinds of people who aren’t romantically involved: One kind is “the kind who who disdains everyone else”, and the other kind is “the kind that is disdained by everyone else”. In university, there are two kinds of people who are most likely to be dumped: One kind doesn’t know “what love is”, and the other kind doesn’t know “what love making is”. These people all first “like one person”, and then “like being alone”.

funny banner during the university graduation season

A banner as graduation approaches, “Junior sisters (younger female students, underclassmen), (we) senior brothers (male upperclassmen) don’t want to leave.”

The following are more straight-forward, with the humor being common in many English language jokes and humor…

One evening I was taking a walk around Weiming Lake [a famous scenic spot at Peking University] when I saw a junior brother [xue di younger male schoolmate, underclassman] and a junior sister [xue mei, younger female schoolmate, underclassman] sitting there admiring the scenery. Then, the wind started blowing, and the male student gently whispered in the female student’s ear, “It’s chilly. Can I hug/hold you?” The girl bashfully gave him a look and said, “No…” I thought to myself that he must not miss the same golden opportunity I had once missed, so I swiftly kicked the girl with all my might sending her into the lake then ran away… Good luck, junior brother, this is as far as your senior brother can bring you [the rest is up to you]…

boy with a clenched fist

“Good luck, junior brother” and “This is as far as X can bring you” have been popular expressions recently with numerous jokes having been been created following a similar pattern usually including something clearly outrageous or absurd. Here is another example:

One time I went to the cafeteria to eat when I saw a couple of sweethearts. Suddenly the guy saw a grain of rice on the girl’s face, so he asked: “There is a grain of rice on your face. Can I remove it for you?” The girl blushed and said, “No, unless there’s a lot.” So I stood up and slammed the girl’s head face first into her plate and then fled like the wind, keeping my good deed to myself. Good luck, junior brother, this is as far as your senior sister can bring you [the rest is up to you].

Wu Mochou, the runner-up on The Voice of China

And here’s more, all created by Chinese university students on social networking sites Sina Weibo and Renren

Yesterday at Wanxiu [place name], I came across a junior brother who wanted to swipe his student ID for a junior sister’s [purchases] but the junior sister wouldn’t let him. I immediately grabbed the junior sister’s student ID and broke it in half. Then I quietly left, keeping my good deed to myself. Junior brother, this is as far as your senior brother can bring you, the rest is up to you.

One day on the street I heard a junior brother confessing his love for a junior sister, but the junior sister rejected him, saying, “Unless you can get me an autographed photo of the most handsome guy at our school.” I quietly took out a colored photo of myself, signed on it, and slipped it into the junior brother’s hand. Good luck, junior brother! This is as far as your senior brother can bring you.

I was doing an experiment at the lab and by chance overheard a junior brother and junior sister in the lab next to mine doing an experiment with sodium sulfite. Junior brother: “Be my girlfriend!” Junior sister: “If you can make me smile, I’ll agree.” It is said that the junior sister is one of those ice queens that come only once every 600 years, and nobody has ever seen her smile. Hearing this, I grabbed a cylinder of nitrous oxide, pointed it at their lab, and opened the valve. Good luck, junior brother, this is as far as your senior sister can bring you.

Last night I was studying by myself on the sixth floor of Yijiao [Literally “First Class”]. The junior brother sitting next to me said to a junior sister: “Be my girlfriend!” The junior sister sighed and said, “I need to prepare for the graduate school entrance examination. I don’t want to be distracted.” After I heard that, I walked over, seized her books, and threw them all out the window. I then left the classroom quietly, not daring to look back at the look on their faces. Good luck, junior brother, this is as far as your senior brother can bring you.

One time as I was passing by a basketball court, I saw a young couple. The guy was helping the girl to walk, blushing as he asked with deep concern, “Are you okay? How about I carry you on my back?” The girl murmured, “It’s…it’s okay, I can still walk…” I couldn’t bear to watch this any longer, picked up a brick, threw it at her, and then immediately fled… Good luck, junior brother! this is as far as your senior brother can bring you… as I heard their screaming and shrieking fade away. I kept my good deed to myself.

I was studying by myself today when I overhead a conversation behind me. A junior brother said to a junior sister: “Come sit with me [let’s study together], it will make studying easier.” The junior sister replied with disdain, “Accounting is too simple/easy, I can understand everything within a very short time.” I turned back and threw a Elements of Economic Law at the junior sister’s face. Without looking at the look on their faces nor even turning my head back, I walked out of the classroom with big, long strides… Good luck, junior brother, this is as far as your senior brother can bring you…

Today I was dining on the top floor of a mall on Riverside Avenue when I overhead a conversation between a junior brother and a junior sister. Junior brother: “Be my girlfriend” Junior sister: “You want me to be your girlfriend? Only if I’m dead!!” Upon hearing this, I thought of my own miserable experiences, directly walked up and pushed the junior sister off the building. Good luck, junior brother, this is as far as your senior brother can bring you…

How have you gone out of your way to “help” an underclassman in matters of romance and love?

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  • David Fire

    It is funny how my students are always saying they dont want to be in a relationship… I wonder why.

    • Seppo

      Because you are old and ugly. Of course they will say this to you David

    • Tosh Yingo

      I think it’s the “sour grapes” syndrome. They can’t have relationships due to their own deficiencies in looks or personality so they rationalize by saying that they never wanted relationships in the first place.

      • fabulous

        If you can’t have grapes, grapes are sour.

  • Terrik

    I’m sitting here laughing on my sof…

    er.

    On my chair. I’m sitting here laughing on my chair.

  • x1sfg

    Sounds like a bad Apatow movie

  • Q: What’s worse than a bad joke?

    A: That same joke, repeated over and over again…

    • lonetrey / Dan

      I was browsing Chinasmack during my spare time today, and I happened upon a writer who wrote an article about some current Chinese humor. Reading the users’ comments I saw a person named Matt making fun of the Rensi’s article. “What’s worse than a bad joke? That same joke, repeated over and over again…” I couldn’t bear to hear this any longer, so I whipped up a relevant joke, and bravely responded to Matt’s comment!!

      Good luck, junior brother! This is as far as your senior brother can bring you…

      • Mao Ze Shenme Dong Dong

        Keep trying.. you will get there eventually.

      • Serpico

        Yeah you show him!

  • Terrik

    “posted 6 months ago”

    Either I’ve been sitting in my office a very long time without realizing it, or these time stamps are wrong.

    • Terrik

      Ah, the time stamp is local. This desktop’s calendar is set to April 2013. Silly computer, the world ends in December.

  • The Enlightened One

    Some of these aren’t too bad. But I bet our ChinaSMACKERS could make up better ones, here goes one:

    One day, I was sitting at home on the fourth floor and heard some young Chinese man arguing with a Chinese girl outside my window. “Why don’t you want to be my girlfriend!?” he kept yelling in Chinese. “Because I don’t even know you”, she replied and “and you stink so badly!”

    Upon hearing this, my sympathy for this poor man grew. I immediately grabbed my fish tank and dumped it out the window. “The soap and introductions are up to you brother!”

    “Good luck, Chinese brother, this is as far as your lao wai brother can bring you…”

    Then I laughed.

  • jeffli

    two things I don’t get –
    Chinese humour – (is there such a thing?)
    Chinese music – Tang Tang Tang boing ting pock!
    well 1.3 billion like it and thats what counts. :-)

    • Seppo

      1 thing I don’t get – your level of retardation

      Seppo humor:

      Seppo music:

  • MrT

    There-s an Englishman, a Scotsman and a Chinese man. The Englishman says
    “”I bet my dog can run round the park 50 times without needing a wee.
    After 40 times it had a wee.”” Then the Scotsman said “”I bet my dog can
    run round the park 100 times without needing a wee.”” After 90 times,
    the dog had a wee. Then the Chinese man said “”I bet my dog can run
    round the park 200 times without needing a wee.”” It got round 200 times
    without needing a wee. The Englishmen and Scotsman said to the Chinese
    man “”How did it do that?”” The Chinese man said “”Me not stupid, me not
    silly, me tie knot in my dogs wiily””

    • MrT

      1

      6

      An Englishman a Scotsman and a Chinese Man all work at a construction site. The boss designates them a simple task each.

      “Scotsman, see that pile of sand over there? sweep it up!”

      “AYE”

      “Enlgishman see all that gravel? Go shovel it away”

      “Okay”

      “Chinese Man you are in charge of the suplies”

      “Ok Boss”

      later the boss returns to see the work untouched.

      “Scotsman” He said ” i told you to sweep up that sand”

      ” But i asked the Chinaman for a broom and he went away and didnae come back!” he replies

      “Englishman!” He bellows ” i told you to shovel away that gravel”

      “Yes you did sir” He replies ” But i asked the Chinaman for a spade and he buggered off!”

      ” Where is that chinese man” The Boss asks

      The Chinese man leaps out from behind the sand and shouts “SUPLIES!”

      • Ruffled Feathers

        You spelled supplies wrong.

        • Seppo

          furthering your quest for No. 1 ‘fucktark’ eh, Ruffled Feathers?

          Nice jokes by the way MrT and Kukuku. It is better than your usual redneck vitriol. You make me want to fuck you up less

          • Ruffled Feathers

            The point is he spelled it wrong twice, meaning he probably doesn’t know how it’s spelled, so it’s not just a simple typo.

          • fabulous

            I think Seppo’s point is that if the best reply you have is a spell-check, you are a ‘fucktark’. Unfortunately, your next reply confirmed your love of spell-checking and now Seppo’s accusation rings a little clearer.

            I don’t even know what that pejorative means, but it’s probably bad.

          • Ruffled Feathers

            Whatever. Seppo just spends all his time trolling people who he disagrees with claiming they are faggots and “seppos” (not sure what that is btw) just to satisfy his own insecurities. So who’s the bigger fucktard really?

        • MrT

          do you really think i could be bothered to type all that out?

          Thats its not just a copy an paste, ffs
          the clue 1 an 6 give that away…

          • MrT

            also the spelling is part of the joke , the sounding of the word, ffs x2

          • Ruffled Feathers

            The spelling is part of the joke? Would that mean “sooplies” then? Who pronounces it like that? ffs

          • MrT

            I don’t know, your wife maybe?

          • Ruffled Feathers

            fuck you, now you wanna make things personal you little shit? What the fuck is your problem?

          • MrT

            SUPLIES!

          • Ruffled Feathers

            Dick

    • Kukuku

      I got a nice one:

      One day a chinaman moved to England and went to a bank to open a bank account and exchange some currencies.

      “We will give you 100 pounds for your RMBs sir.”

      “No sank yo, come back other day later babye.”

      Some days later…

      “We will give you 96 pounds today for your RMBs sir.”

      “Why you no give me like before?”

      “I’m sorry sir, but that’s because of fluctuations.”

      “Fluctuations? Well, fluc you british!”

    • mr.wiener

      I’ve heard this joke from Taiwanese:
      In a standard car park for 100 cars. If it is in America , how many cars can park there?
      A: About 80 because Americans have big cars.
      In a standard car park for 100 cars. If it is in Japan , how many cars can park there?
      A: About 120, smaller cars, the Japanese will work out who arrives last and leaves earliest so they can park in front of others cars and use the optimum amount of space.
      In a standard car park in Taiwan, How many cars can park there?
      A: None, because some selfish bastards have illegally park their cars blocking the entrance and the exit so no-one can get in!

  • vanyuelding

    How to submit content to chinasmack ? look what i’ve found evrybody :
    chinese man shamelessly SUE his wife for being ugly in another life…
    http://myfox8.com/2012/10/26/chinese-man-sues-wife-for-being-ugly-wins-lawsuit/

  • Serpico

    Never heard of this pattern but it sure is funny as hell. :D

  • dim mak

    These “joke” threads and pop music threads are dumb and you should stop doing them.

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