Chinese Joking About the News, and Themselves

Fudan University student poisons roommate to death. Nanjing University of Aeronautics and Astronautics student stabs roommate to death because of quarrel. Nanchang Aviation University dormitory discovers decomposed body. Jiangsu University of Science and Technology Zhangjiagang Campus stabbing. Universities are becoming more and more like training centers for killers. Now that I think about it, you truly can provoke just about anyone but a roommate! I sincerely thank all my former classmates, thank you guys for not killing me…

Chinese university dorm

angry Once again you tell us not to eat chicken! Once again you tell us not to eat chicken! Every time something happens, you tell us not to eat chicken! Isn’t that humiliating for us people?! Isn’t that humiliating for the chickens! Just how are ducks supposed to look at chickens now? How are geese supposed to look at chickens? How are chickens supposed to survive [lift their heads up] in the poultry world now? Whenever there’s a flu, you have people take woad, woad, woad! Why not just feed woad directly to the chickens???

Chicken taking a bath

Why does North Korea dare to stand up against the United States? Because their money is not in the US, their wives are not in the US, and their children are not in the US…

kim-jong-un-north-korean-military-commanders-usa-targets

A foreign friend who wants to learn about Chinese history and culture consulted with me: Where’s the best place to learn? I thought for a while and then said to him: You don’t necessarily need to go to the mainland to learn about Chinese history and culture. If you want to learn about the Tang Dynasty you can go to Japan; if you want to learn about the Song Dynasty, you can go to South Korea; if you want to learn about the Yuan Dynasty, you can go to Mongolia; if you want to learn about the Ming Dynasty, you can go to Myanmar; if you want to learn about the Qing Dynasty, you can go to Hong Kong; if you want to learn about the Republic of China, you can go directly to Taiwan; and if you want to study the Cultural Revolution, see if you can go to North Korea.

Mongolians

What’s the simplest sentence to describe the difference between Chinese law and US law? Someone replied as follows: Chinese law.txt; US law.exe.

scale

United States: I hit whoever I want to hit. United Kingdom: I hit whoever the United States hits. France: I hit whoever hits me. Russia: I hit whoever scolds me. China: I scold whoever hits me.

angry girl

Q: Will I come across dishes cooked with gutter oil when I’m abroad?

A: Not really… If you want to eat it, you’ll have to bring some from China.

Gutter oil question

@每日一句西班牙语: Which countries discovered the various elements?

@Vickk: What’s the use of discovering them… Have you guys eaten all of them yet? #TheProudChinese#

Which countries discovered those elements

Every overseas movie poster has a Chinese enemy/doppelganger.

Chinese movie posters and foreign movie posters

Please stop attacking the wu mao! Wu mao are the only ones left that represent the people!

Chinese RMB

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  • BiggJ

    Sofa. Fuck you Billy!!:) You’re welcome.

    • billy

      I have a joke, it’s really funny Q: ‘who is the biggest cunt on this thread?’

      A: BiggJ – what a cunt!

      Do you get it?

      • BiggJ

        I have a joke too…” Knock Knock billy…

    • mwanafa

      biggJ was cool before, but he lost his tracks lately.

      • BiggJ

        Trust me I don’t like people saying sofa just as much as the next guy, I just do it because billy hates it so much.lol…just a joke.

        • mwanafa

          k k, I got it.

  • BiggJ

    Some of these are pretty good. Maybe the best joke page you ever put on here…still not that funny though. lol The movie poster one…why would you spend the money to make a movie and pretty much just copy a cover from a foreign film? Is imagination somehow taken from chinese people at birth or is it just laziness? If I were to see a cover of a movie that was copied from another movie I would not even watch it because I would think it must be garbage…. I would think “Well too lazy to make your own cover…must have been lazy making the movie too….”just my opinion.

    • glenn

      they are lazy. they want a quick buck to cash in on the booming chinese films market. all scripts are written in a hurry and are of very low quality. the movies are all made in a very short period of time and are crappy with predictable plot.

      • http://simplydesigned.tumblr.com/ maybeabanana

        Don’t forget the crappy actors.

      • BiggJ

        I’ve never watched a chinese movie I really thought was great….and i’ve tried….the only ones I like are mindless kung fu movies….and it’s only for the action. The plots and story are just so shitty in kung fu movies…but the action is entertaining. But to watch a serious chinese movies let it be action, thriller, comedy what have you…I just can’t watch them. The acting is so fucking shitty. I’m not talking HK movies…I’m talking mainland chinese movies. I go to the theater here a lot and just pick random movies to watch and i’ve been disapointed every time. Does anyone know any good action/adventure mainland chinese movies that are any good. I like John Woo movies…but he’s from HK.

        Next time you watch John Woo action movie notice how most of his movies have a slow motion gun scene with white doves or birds flying by….it’s cool but he uses it a lot…my fav John Woo movie is “Hard boiled” lol..that movie makes me laugh…it’s so over the top action it’s funny.

        • Daniel

          Aftershock is a really good chinese movie. The only actor that sucked in that movie was a foreigner from Canada.

          • BiggJ

            No, sorry. I don’t depressing shit like that…no matter how good they say it is.

          • Tadd

            I just want to vent…
            Most of what I see on TV over here is about romance/love. It drive me nucking futs. So depressive. I found that most mainland/Taiwan romances follow a very similar trend:

            1) Guy loves girl, girl secretly loves guy back, but continually keeps him friendzoned or chasing her. She is always extremely high maintanance and vexes at any trivial situation. E.g an entire episode will focus on the girl sobbing/crying/pouting, because the guy forgot to cook her dinner or something.

            Ahhhhh… I feel better now

    • DavidisDawei

      I suspect these are business decisions; all about saving time and reducing risk, which should make more money.

      Hollywood is just as “lazy”.
      Why did Hollywood remake Total Recall of Red Dawn instead of developing new projects?

      • BiggJ

        Yeah you are right. Remakes piss me off. It’s funny though, I always look forward to see them and then when I do, I don’t like them. lol….Every time…Like judge dredd…I love the old movie..when I heard a new one was coming out, I thought ok this could be alright…Now the movie was not horrible…but never stands up to the original.

        • nick3223

          not a remake…. its a prequel

      • http://twitter.com/HokutoAndy 李侑鋼 Andy Chaisiri

        It’s not something unique to China, this is common in movie posters around the world.

        The actual problem here is the mainland audience being largely ignorant of outside films, so they think their posters are copycats, when it’s normal.

    • James

      not necessarilly, I’ve seen remakes with different twists that are better than the original

      • BiggJ

        Name some. I’m not being a dick or anything, I’m just just curious which ones you think are better. Just recently there have been a few like total recall, judge dredd, conan…the ring,…charley and the chocolate factory…the departed..red dawn…the karate kid… all these the originals are better.

        The remakes I like are the remakes of movies from like the 1930 or 40’s…..like king kong…I do like the new one more. remaking a 70 or 80 year old movie…ok…but remaking like 20 or 30 year old movies. Some movies I understand like now they have the CGI effects so movies like clash of the titans looks better….even that one I still like the original.

        • James

          Conan was ok.. the original ring? you mean japanese or did they do a remake of the english version?

          Yes, I was actually talking about remakes of old movies many of the remakes are also old movies. Maltese Falcon had 2 previous versions before Bogart.

          I never liked either clash of the titans movies

          • BiggJ

            Yeah the Japanese one, ringu or whatever…and you know the movie’old boy” ..it’s like a Korean thriller movie…they are remaking that with spike Lee directing it and Samual.LJackson in it. lol. Old boy is a pretty good movie…has a fucked up twist in it.

            Conan I never like that much…the new one…It’s watchable…but the old ones are childhood memories for me and it’s hard to get past that….I think they remake them for a newer audience…like a 14 year old would think the new conan is better then the old.

          • James

            Maybe I’ll give old boy a watch, I generally try to stay away from Korean media, lived with a Taiwan chick for a while that was obsessed with Korean soap operas.

            I used to read RE Howard a lot as a kid so I critique Conan movies from the perspective of the stories, both were ok I did prefer Arnold’s but the newer one was ok even if it got boring toward the end.

        • Xigua

          Shrek 2 >_<

          • BiggJ

            That’s not a remake.

    • The Enlightened One

      Well, now you know what job the Chinese can not compete with you in besides being an English teacher in China… graphic design.

    • opinionator

      you’d make a great film critic, “shit film, didn’t watch it tho’ coz the poster looks like something copied from another poster.”
      stick with the day job and take more chill pills.

      • BiggJ

        Would you assume this is as good as KFC? This has H7N9 written all over it. lol

        • the ace of books

          Hey man, jsut be glad you don’t live next to a MacTuch’s.

          (Talk about groping outside the store…)

        • Crazycook

          da fok chicken

        • opinionator

          where?

    • http://twitter.com/HokutoAndy 李侑鋼 Andy Chaisiri

      Because there are COMMON TRENDS in movie posters that are repeated in movie posters across the western world, and now Chinese are doing them too.

      You can see lots of them here:
      http://unrealitymag.com/index.php/2011/11/11/a-gallery-of-inescapable-movie-poster-trends/

      It’s not a “lol chinese copy” thing, it’s just a movie poster thing that applies to Hollywood and everyone else in the world.

  • Anna

    Its not just movie posters that are covered. Even USA chat shows openings…

  • Germandude

    kudos to:

    What’s the simplest sentence to describe the difference between Chinese law and US law? Someone replied as follows: Chinese law.txt; US law.exe.

    • Roihu

      Probably the best one ever on these joke pages

      • Xio Gen

        I actually like reading these because it gives me insight into what Chinese think is funny.

    • http://www.facebook.com/boyang.chen.3 Boyang Chen

      can someone explain this joke to me, i dont get it.

      • Gay Azn Boi

        Chinese laws are useless (only on paper), hence the .txt which is the extension for a text file, whereas in the States the laws are enforced, hence the .exe which denotes an executable file.

        • KAMIKAZIPILOT

          GAY AZN BOOOOOOOOOIIIIIII!!! I LOVE YOU BRO!!! Well not really, but nice to have you back my fruity friend. We all missed you.

          • BiggJ

            Whoa whoa…save it for the movie man. Brokeback mountain: General Tso’s edition. hahahah Another movie cover they copied.

          • BiggJ

            Here is the original.lol

          • KAMIKAZIPILOT

            WTF that can’t be a poster for a real movie can it? Is it really a Chinese version of Brokeback or just a parody poster? Do you have a secret stash of hilarious pictures on your computer or what.

          • BiggJ

            lol, I don’t know if it is or not. I can’t read what it says. When you said to gay ans boi “I love you man” it made me think of broke back mountain. lol. So i search “brokeback mountain funny” in google and that was one of the pics .lol

          • Gay Azn Boi

            I was just bored so I replied. Been too busy with school and work…don’t really have time for cS anymore.

          • KAMIKAZIPILOT

            “don’t really have time for cS anymore”

  • Hiddentruth

    I don’t think the poster one is all true though. I’ve seen some of those Chinese movies in China they didn’t use posters like that. It’s still lol to know all these though.

  • radbab

    I’ve been thinking the same about the bank notes. All the notes before the current ones featured different people. Now it’s Mao Mao Mao…

  • the ace of books

    I liked .txt vs .exe, because, well, yes.

    The movie cover one is just depressing.

    • Joey

      As if Western movie covers are not all the same concepts as well.

      • the ace of books

        Blue and Orange, man! Blue and orange :D

  • markus peg

    The Wu mao jokes good :D made me smile.

    • Wu

      Tha was something I always liked… aside from them being so dirty and beat up all the time.

  • http://simplydesigned.tumblr.com/ maybeabanana

    Oh my gosh : “What’s the simplest sentence to describe the difference between Chinese law and US law? Someone replied as follows: Chinese law.txt; US law.exe.”
    That’s a statement actually not spineless or copied for once.

    The actors cast in these movies seems like most of them sucked somebody off to get the role on top of conforming to cheesy script.

    • James

      oh was keanu reeves in one of them?

      • http://simplydesigned.tumblr.com/ maybeabanana

        Keanu did the Matrix series despite the Wachowski brothers ripped off the story, it was enjoyable. I have not enjoyed any of the movies made in HK nor mainland except for a few drama series, so you get my point jelly bean?

        • James

          actually I liked quite a few hk films I saw, mandarin looking vampires, gangster flicks etc. kung fu movies generally suck so does keanu

          • http://simplydesigned.tumblr.com/ maybeabanana

            One thing I forgot to mention is with exceptions of early to 90’s comedy and kungfu movies with steven chow, jackie chan , and others. But recent ones were blehhh.

        • Al

          ripped off from who?

          • http://simplydesigned.tumblr.com/ maybeabanana

            Sophia Stewart. See snopes.com

  • James

    well I guess it’s good I kept a weapon with me at college

  • BiggJ

    Learning software for chinese.

    • KAMIKAZIPILOT

      It’s kinda cute when listening to asians trying to act hard by speaking ebonics.

      • YourSupremeCommander

        So a Chinese dude with his pants down below his butt who says nigga in every sentence is… cute?

        • mr.wiener

          It is when you see him trying to do it to a black guy.

        • YourSupremeCommander

          yo

          • KAMIKAZIPILOT

            HOly Christ!! Talk about a human bowling ball!

          • Pickle

            That kid is so fat, he can’t see because his eyelids are too heavy to open.

      • cal

        don`t get ur point. speaking a foreign language should involve `acting`, it`s called mimicking and they key to mastering a foreign language. you think everyone should only `act hard` to copy white people? you a racist or something?

    • markus peg

      lol! awesome!

    • diverdude7

      best scene in any movie ever… the ‘getting whacked scene’ in opening of Pulp Fiction….. ‘What?, What ain’t no country I ever heard of. Do they speak English in What ? What? English motherfucker, do you speak it ?!? Say What again, I dare u,, I double-dare u…. ‘ Samuel is a hard-rockin m’fker. and Travolta is a cool cat….

  • Chang Liu
    • BiggJ

      Yeah, I was reading about that a few days ago. There was another dude doing the same thing but he was spending the money on vacations to thailand and fucking ladyboys. lol

    • BiggJ

      Probably the same reaction they have to pollution….they don’t like it….but there is nothing they can do about….And after seeing the pollution day in and day out…you get use to it and it don’t bother you as much.

    • donscarletti

      £700 (RMB 6700) for a big dinner party?

      Going out with a couple coworkers and my boss, we’ll blow double that much with just 4 people in 3 hours.

      Those squares are in serious need of some of us private sector lads to teach them how to party.

  • KAMIKAZIPILOT

    “United States: I hit whoever I want to hit. United Kingdom: I hit whoever the United States hits. France: I hit whoever hits me. Russia: I hit whoever scolds me. China: I scold whoever hits me.”

    I like this the best. just on an individual level it does seem like Chinese, and asians in general would much rather scold someone than bash their face to a bloody pulp.
    Also some of the movie posters were pretty good.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Harold-Janson/100000792053950 Harold Janson

    Old crap… so very very old. slow day i guess?

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