Citizenship, Japanese, and Winter Break Wrath

Has my Chinese citizenship been rescinded? Chinese citizens legally enjoy 115 days off per year, but I don’t; the average living area for a Chinese household is 116.4 square meters, but not my household; the average disposable income for a Chinese citizen is 3,600 US dollars, but not for me; the average height of a Chinese male citizen is 174.2 cm, but not mine; Chinese citizens have 1.18 children on average, but I don’t; every year (Chinese citizens) have the opportunities to vote and to be elected, but I don’t; suddenly I feel as if I was emigrated abroad, but unfortunately I was not.

A Japanese man came to China as a tourist. His first stop was Zhejiang. He found a local tour guide, offered 3,000 RMB, explained that his ancestors died in China during the the Second Sino-Japanese War, and asked the tour guide to take him to the place that witnessed the most Japanese casualties in China for him to pay his respects to his ancestors. The tour guide accepted his money, used 300 RMB to rent a minibus, and after an hour, told the Japanese man they’ve arrived. The Japanese man got off the van and looked at the place: Hengdian World Studios.

How Japanese soldiers died in Chinese dramas

Took a trip to Hainan over the Spring Festival. Conversation with a local. ”Brother, where are you from?” “Shenzhen.” “Oh a Northerner!” “…”

[Note: A Shenzhen resident would think a Northerner lives on the north of the Qinling Mountain-Huaihe River Line (shown in the picture below).]

Qinling Mountain-Huaihe River line

My friend took this photo on the train back to Harbin from Beijing. Such profound skill!! A photo that must go viral!

Sleeping in the train

Alas, in the blink of an eye I’ve become an uncle. When my relatives, brothers, and sisters bring their kids to my house to visit over the Chinese New Year, my favorite thing to do is just as those kids are happily watching cartoons, I’ll ask, “Dan’er [Egg’r, an affectionate nickname for little boys], what scores did you get on your final exams?” …. This kind of suffering must be passed down generation by generation!

Today at the dining table, I asked my little brother and little sister about their grades and the two of them answered without hesitation. My little sister said, “I no longer care about what grades I get. I only care about marrying a good man in the future.” My brother frowned and also said, “I don’t care about what grades I get either. As long as I don’t marry a woman like my older sister, it’ll be OK.”

LZ is a high school student. For a 21-day winter break, 9 Winter Break Homework exercise books were assigned, with each exercise book having around 80 pages… All of this, I tolerated! But then you wrote on the cover that you wish me a happy vacation! Now that pisses me off! If this post is re-shared over 1,000 times, I’ll tear them all up!

[Note: This Weibo got 1,568 re-shares and 869 comments on 糗事百科 (qiǔ shì bǎi kē) aka The Encyclopedia of Embarrassment, a website that publishes Chinese jokes and humor submitted by Chinese netizens. The purpose of the website is to share the most embarrassing things experienced or observed by the authors. The original post on the website got 33,515 upvotes, 1,559 downvotes, and 406 comments at the time of translation.]

I tore them up! Happy Winter Break! There’s still 4 exercise books left! If this post is re-shared over 100 times, I will tear up all of them! Thanks, Qiushi Baike, for giving me the strength.

Torn up Winter Break Homework

[Note: The original post on Qiushi Baike got 16,197 upvotes, 1,444 downvotes, and 419 comments.]

On the bus, an elementary school student held a Winter Break Homework exercise book in his hand and told his mom, “Mom, my winter break homework is too much!” His mom took the exercise book, flipped through a few pages, and then tore it up and threw it out the bus window. The whole bus, including that elementary school student, were stunned. Then his mom nonchalantly said, “If your teacher asks, say dad and mom had a fight, and mom tore up the exercise book.'” What a good mom!

Upon seeing this, Brother [referring to the self] strongly felt I was born in the wrong era!

Headline about adding spring and fall breaks

The headline reads, “Besides Winter and Summer Breaks, Elementary and High schools (aka K-12 schools) Might Add Spring and Fall Breaks”.

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  • https://www.facebook.com/dinie.akhemu Gerhana

    these are actually funny i laughed at the tourist joke. Certainly an improvement over the past humor translation

  • Dr Sun

    LMAO and ROFL, these are funny.

    • A guy

      I like the one about the Japanese man. I was expecting some hateful stuff when I read the first sentence, and was pleasantly surprised. I think I am either understanding the Chinese sense of humor more, or Chinese people are getting funnier.

      • Alex

        LOL that´s the problem. Maybe we all found it super funny because we were expecting the worse.

        Tension – Release effect.

      • http://www.joshmcfarland.net/ Josh

        Or you are lowering your standards.

    • Archie

      Really?! LMAO and ROFL? My lips might have moved into a smirk once, but I can’t be sure. Mildly amusing, yes, but hilarious?! Fuck no.

      • BiggJ

        For real. lol. None of them are the least bit funny… What makes this funny to me is that chinese people actually find this shit funny…..like this little comedy masterpiece….

        On the bus, an elementary school student held a Winter Break Homework
        exercise book in his hand and told his mom, “Mom, my winter break
        homework is too much!” His mom took the exercise book, flipped through a
        few pages, and then tore it up and threw it out the bus window. The
        whole bus, including that elementary school student, were stunned. Then
        his mom nonchalantly said, “If your teacher asks, say dad and mom had a
        fight, and mom tore up the exercise book.’” What a good mom!

        WOW>>>> I JUST SHIT MY PANTS LAUGHING HOW FUNNY THIS STORY IS!!!!……….really though I never shit my pants or found this story funny.

        I think the CS writers or whatever put the shittiest jokes and “humor” on here just so people can complain how shitty it is. lol

        • Kai

          Humor is really tough, especially across languages and cultural environments. Few of these jokes really make anyone “LOL” but they probably make quite a few Chinese people smirk in recognition of the situations they’re describing. You can probably imagine a bunch of Chinese youth or young adults having flashbacks of the crap-ton of homework they had to do over winter break and thinking it would’ve been nice if their mom had so casually just ripped them up for them, absolving them of the responsibility of doing them. When you think about it, a lot of humor is based on inside jokes, on shared experiences.

          Perhaps try approaching these posts without the expectation of them being rip-roaringly funny and more of an indirect way of learning more about Chinese people, culture, shared experiences, and even humor. It’s like when a Chinese friend tells you a joke that isn’t funny to you personally, you can still learn something from it. Just a suggestion that might help sit you at ease better with these posts.

  • the ace of books

    First one made me lol irl, and I love the mom one – finally, a parent who knows when too stupid much work is too stupid much. :)

  • Germandude

    Is reading these on a monday the problem, or are the “jokes”, well, simply not funny?

  • Northerner

    Last friday was womans day. The girls in my office didn’t get a half day, however the Shanghainese male driver left after lunch.

    • http://www.chinasmack.com/ MrT

      Did you treat them to anything?

      • Northerner

        No why would I?

        Where do all the bald Chinese guys go?

        They all become Shaolin monks.

        • http://www.chinasmack.com/ MrT

          Well that was opportunity missed!
          or did you, you know with the driver

          • Northerner

            Why did the 狗哥 move to Shanghai?

            Because that’s where all the sons of bitches live.

  • radbab

    the one about the japanese tourist was good. I find the train guy funny too – although I find it also funny that the chinese find it funny. Usually nobody here seems to bother when this “are you serious?!” stuff happens.

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