‘Masters’ & ‘My Little Buddies’

The theme of this collection of jokes and humor from the Chinese internet revolve around the following Chinese internet memes…
高手在民间

[gāo shǒu zài mín jiān / gao1 shou3 zai4 min2 jian1]

expression.

Traditionally, “the master stays unrevealed among the common people” suggesting that the true masters of a talent, often martial arts, is often hidden amongst the ordinary masses, who don’t draw attention to themselves or broadcast their talents. Nowadays, it is an expression often used in a similar way when someone unknown (like a peasant farmer or a faceless netizen) does or says something unexpectedly impressive.

Link to this entry.

我和小伙伴们都惊呆了

[wǒ hé xiǎo huǒ bàn men dōu jīng dāi le / wo3 he2 xiao3 huo3 ban4 men dou1 jing1 dai1 le]

expression.

“My little buddies and I were all stupefied.” This expression went viral after being used by an elementary school student in an essay to describe his/her and his/her little buddies’ reactions to a “rumored” origin of Duanwu aka Dragon Boat Festival featuring Qu Yuan, the Communist Party of China, and the Kuomingtang aka the Chinese Nationalist Party. The excerpt of the essay was posted by the student’s Chinese teacher on Sina Weibo in 2011 and the sentence went viral in 2013. The expression simply means one is stunned or rendered speechless by something surprising or unexpected.

Link to this entry.

小伙伴 [xiǎo huǒ bàn] “little buddies” is often used to describe a little kid’s playmates.

Car was rear-ended, no money to fix… can only do this…

Car repair

Using a public restroom, didn’t bring toilet paper. Only had a 100 yuan bill and a cell phone on me. Without hesitation, I grabbed the cell phone and called KFC: Please deliver a family bucket. Special request: Must be a male [delivery guy], bring extra napkins. The location is XXX men’s restroom No.2 stall.

[Note: In China, many public restrooms do not provide toilet paper. You must bring your own, or purchase from a vending machine or restroom attendant.]

Funny men's restroom sign

Louzhu: Today I was a bit stupefied by my 3-year-old little girl. In the morning, she wanted to go poo. When I got her onto her little potty toilet, she suddenly very earnestly asked me, “Are poo and pee good friends?

First reply: “No, they are not on the same path” [figuratively meaning two people don’t share the same values and thus aren’t friends”].

Second reply: “Yes, but pee is more loyal [to its friends]. Poo would not accompany pee every single time, but whenever poo shows up, pee always backs it up!!!”

Shit

When I was little, I could never figure out the concepts of zhou sui [actual age, measured from day of birth] and xu sui [nominal age, the traditional Asian way of calculating age, where a child is already one year old upon birth]. Just now a friend said, “The actual age is the amount of time since you came out of your mother’s body, while the nominal age is the amount of time since you came out of your father’s body.” Immediately, with tears streaming down my face, I understood [the difference].

Cute little baby

A friend, his mom used to be a long-distance runner on the provincial track & field team. He too has been talented when it came to athletics ever since he was small. Every time he does something wrong, his mom would chase him, trying to hit him, and the two of them could run all the way to the neighboring town, where they’d then take a taxi back…

Chinese town

Shantou‘s Most Niu Delivery Brother: A godlike existence! My little buddies and I were all stupefied!

Lunch box delivery guy in Shantou

The water in a swimming pool with a lot of people = water + disinfectant powder + saliva + urine + eye boogers + earwax + snot + a small amount of menstrual blood + dead skin + hair + dandruff + various kinds of bacteria + foot odor + pus from open wounds soaked in water + flying small insects + vaginal discharge + sperm + the feces of little flying insects + SB’s accidental shit + the hazardous substances from farts! Hahaha! Little buddies! Go swim in the swimming pool!

Swimming rabbit

The face of an angel, the body of a devil.

[Note: The “body of a devil” usually refers to a slim, sexy female body.]

Beautiful obese girl

Agriculture University’s Handsome Tomboy Goes Famous on Weibo: Fujian Agriculture and Forestry University basketball team member, tall and slender, a student majoring in Animation and Comics in Arts & Gardens College, [but] the most important thing is that she is a handsome T [butch lesbian] Tears

Xing Yachen

Master Hu Shi [aka Hu Shih], your diary is simply the essence of cold/dry humor!

Hu Shih Diary excerpt

[Translation of text in image above:]

In Hu Shi’s Overseas Diary, there were entries like this. The main idea are as follows:


July 4
Started this new diary, also to keep myself accountable to working hard this next semester. First I need to finish Shakespeare’s Henry VIII that I have before me…

July 13
Played cards.

July 14
Played cards.

July 15
Played cards.

July 16
Hu Shizhi, Hu Shizhi [Hu Shi’s Chinese style name]! How could you be so rotten! Have you already forgotten the study plan you previously made? Confucius said, “I reflect on myself three times a day.”…I must not go on like this anymore!

July 17
Played cards.

July 18
Played cards.

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  • Go go Ninja Turtles,that’s what I would do.
    Not shocked by too many selfies of the butch girl. At leadt its not a dude.

  • MrT

    KFC one useful when your in the shit

    • MrT

      bucket also useful.

      • What do you do with the chicken?

        • MrT

          put it in the bag, use the bucket, eat the chicken,

          • MrT

            not sure what to do with the ice thou…

          • It cools the heat of the moment.

          • ” Here, have some legs and breasts. It came about in the loo.”

        • Nefarious Laowei

          Choke it.

    • Robin Xi

      I thought chinese people easily could go without toilet paper. Usually there is water in there, right?

  • YourSupremeCommander

    Beiber has an Asian cousin?

    • mr.wiener

      That’s a dude?!…Aw man!

      • biggj

        That’s a girl…..

        • slob

          I think wiener was referring to Bieber

          • mr.wiener

            Bieber is a dude!?!….Aw man!

        • mr.wiener

          I don’t know why I feel relieved now….If I was inadvertently lusting after a guy who looked like a girl that would be embarrassing, but if this is indeed a girl does that mean I am attracted to women who look like guys, so I’m actually attracted to guys?……I guess if I was younger she and I could hang out and pick up chicks together.

          • slob

            That’s one thing I can’t understand. Girls love guys who look like women but we don’t want women who look like men. If I saw a girl with a beard and a hairy chest, pretty sure that wouldn’t go into the wank bank.

          • mr.wiener

            Hmmm……. are we talking “Grizzly Adams” or “5 O’clock Shadow” here?

          • slob

            Picture Epic Beard Man with boobs.

          • mr.wiener

            No way, I’d go out with a chick with a beard bigger than mine.

          • I don’t like girly guys. source: female.

          • biggj

            The 1 billion chinese guys are doing it all wrong then. lol

          • linette lee

            Where you find 1 billion chinese guys you crazy dude. Your comments always shock me making me laugh.

          • Most are for sure. For one, they should go excersize and eat right to not look so twerpy. Secondly, don’t dress like gay hipsters unless your personality surpasses that and exudes manliness. Thirdly, have an individuality in the mind and that will help a lot, imo.

          • Mighty曹

            Yeah, all the girls are crazy for all those K-pop boyband girly guys.

          • whiny, self absorbed, vain metrosexuals, no thanks.

          • Mighty曹

            And those hair!!! I just want to smack their heads just to ruin the hair.

          • linette lee

            I think most women don’t like men with any eye make up at all in real life. Imagine your boyfriend wears eyeliner or more make up than you dressing in girly clothes with a face full of white powder BB creme. Like drag queen. Not attractive at all. And no crazy hair please.

          • Eve Akota

            Manly Korean actors look much better than K-pop idols, to me :)

          • Eve Akota

            Not all women like guys who look like girls. I love manly men. :p

          • biggj

            It just looks like a tall chick with no tits and boy hair cut….or an average chinese man. I actually use to have a thing for tomboys. Not physically….but like a girl that dressed like a boy and acted like a boy..Just with a hot girl body….does does make me a fag?? Or do I just want a guy with vagina and boobs? Hmmmm.

          • slob

            Gay

          • biggj

            Haha NOOOOO!!!

          • mr.wiener

            She has a nice strong jaw line and chin.

          • biggj

            and an adams apple…… :(

          • Mighty曹

            It’s time to smoke a bowl and do some soul searching.

          • Mighty曹

            You’re at the ‘confused’ stage. Just follow your inner feelings. lol

          • Gay Azn Boi

            Smh…such close mindedness in the comments

          • Mighty曹

            I like to expand my mind but not my anus.

        • Mighty曹

          A tomgirl. (A boy who looks and acts like a girl)

      • Ana Belen Ruiz

        I fell in love with a girl…I feel confused now lol

        • Mighty曹

          Don’t be. Always follow your heart. :D

  • linette lee

    That baby is so cute. Look at those bright eyes. wow. xoxoxoxo

    That fat girl her face is very pretty. haha..lol The face of an angel, the body of a devil.

    The guy he is handsome. I hope he is handsome not due to make up. Flower boy not handsome at all. No make up please. In basketball team? Tall slender and handsome.

    • slob

      Agree on the baby, cute kid.

      But the guy? Did you even read the thing? It’s a girl – lesbian.

      • linette lee

        I think if he doesn’t wear any make up at all he is still good looking because he has naturally sharp facial features. His eyes are big and bright not due to eye makeup. And he has athletic body type tall and slender judging by the eleventh photo. That is his best photo here. He looks like a college boy not girly.

        • The arms look like toned to a male look but its probably roids :p.

        • Stimpy

          You still don’t get it, do you?

    • Mighty曹

      I despise toms like that who give us men competition.

      • linette lee

        haha…You men like super models. We like lee hom wang and lee Chi Ting type.

      • Whiskers and Tomboy face off on who can be manliest. Even if we both scale an unclaimed peak at the same time, dragging in tow a grizzly we killed with our bare hands…everything equal…I would still stare at the tomboy and sprout quite a glorious beard. There’s always that trump card (also piss distance competitions…probably)

        • Mighty曹

          And remember not to challenge her to a game of 1-on-1 basketball. She’ll dunk over you.

  • Mighty曹

    I’m tempted to put a dent in my car bumper so i can draw a Ninja turtle.

  • Jen_in_NY

    That lesbian student is so beautiful and charismatic my heart stopped beating for a second. In that second, I reevaluated my entire life!

    • Mighty曹

      Are you going to leave your hubby now?

      • Jen_in_NY

        Maybe for an hour or two

        • Mighty曹

          That’s all the time I need.

          • Jen_in_NY

            The best way to fill time is to waste it.

          • Mighty曹

            “If you love life, don’t waste time, for time is what life is made up of.” – Bruce Lee

          • Jen_in_NY

            “Be water, my friend”

          • Mighty曹

            In a glass that’s half full or half empty?

          • Jen_in_NY

            Completely full. Overflowing.

          • Mighty曹

            hahaha… hmmmm……

          • Jen_in_NY

            hmmmm?

          • Jen_in_NY

            Hey I left this–why does it say Guest? Hmmmm x2

          • Mighty曹

            Oh, I’m glad you’re here! I need your help. Follow me. Hmmm….

          • Jen_in_NY

            Somehow that’s half as scary, yet twice as dangerous.

          • Mighty曹

            But thrice as enticing.

          • Jen_in_NY

            Sigh.

          • Mighty曹

            Sigh in submission.

          • Jen_in_NY

            yes, master.

          • Mighty曹

            Submissiveness bores the Master.

          • Jen_in_NY

            Jesus, thank GOD

          • Mighty曹

            We found a common ground.

            *Side note: I’ve been expecting someone with no creativity to chime in “Get a room, you two!”. I was wrong.

          • Jen_in_NY

            Ha. Me, too.

          • Mighty曹

            See, we do share!

          • Jen_in_NY

            …?

          • Mighty曹

            What was the ‘Me, too’ for? haha..

          • Jen_in_NY

            Oh, the “Me, too” was a reply to your “Get a room” comment!

          • Mighty曹

            So yes, we do share something in common.

          • Jen_in_NY

            We could probably come up with a list of a few things, if we think hard enough.

          • Mighty曹

            Thinking is the last thing I want to do but….
            East Coast vs. West. (Cross that)

          • Jen_in_NY

            Point taken.

          • Mighty曹

            Giants vs. 49ers (cross that!)

          • Jen_in_NY

            I think I know what those are.

          • Mighty曹

            You’re not a NY Giants fan?

          • Jen_in_NY

            I was joking, but no, I’m not really into sports. . . so you can add that to your list of things we don’t have in common, too!

          • Mighty曹

            Great! That cleared the obstacle to the start of our beautiful relationship.

          • Jen_in_NY

            Maybe it’s the wine, but I can’t think of anything clever to say, so here’s a lame smiley face: :)

          • Mighty曹

            ;)
            1:00am vs. 10:00pm
            Good night :-*

          • Jen_in_NY

            You’ve listed so many reasons we can’t or shouldn’t be friends! Not sure why, but… Ah well, good night (though I never sleep this early).

          • Mighty曹

            I never said ‘we can’t or shouldn’t’. Only listing the differences. As they say, ‘opposite attracts’?

          • Jen_in_NY

            I know you never really said that–I just thought you were implying it.

          • Mighty曹

            Your conflicting feeling will haunt you.

          • YourSupremeCommander

            Can I join this love fest?

          • Jen_in_NY

            Yeah, I’m kind of obsessed with Mighty–but if you want to hit on him too, I can’t stop you!

          • Mighty曹

            I expected you to protect me and fight for me.

          • Jen_in_NY

            I expected that from you.

          • Mighty曹

            Of course. I just kicked ‘YourSupremeCommander’ in the butt and told him to GTFO.

          • Jen_in_NY

            My hero!!!!

          • Mighty曹

            I pick you up and disappear into the sunset over the horizon.

            * I’m really gone. Time to to go home! See ya!

          • Jen_in_NY

            Boo. I didn’t get a chance to show you my appreciation… Have a nice night.

          • Mighty曹

            Such captivating eyes. Thank you!
            I’m ready to see your appreciation now.
            (But keep in mind that posting nude pics is a violation of site policy)

          • Jen_in_NY

            Haha. Didn’t Einstein say, “I’m enough of an artist to draw freely on my imagination”?

          • Mighty曹

            My imagination had just completed a Greek-esque masterpiece of you.

          • Jen_in_NY

            That’s a start.

          • Mighty曹

            of the conquest of my heart.

          • Jen_in_NY

            I’ve launched a campaign.

          • Mighty曹

            You are to conquer, and I yield.

          • Jen_in_NY

            Lower your weapon. Lower. A little lower. That’s perfect.

          • Mighty曹

            My shield is down but my weapon pointed at you.

          • Jen_in_NY

            I’ve literally dozens of responses to that, but none that I feel comfortable posting here.

          • Mighty曹

            Just one would suffice. Post it. No one’s watching.

          • Jen_in_NY

            Hmmm… How about:

            If you’re my P.O.W., then why am I the one on my knees?

          • Mighty曹

            Because you’re about to seize my weapon and punish me.

          • Jen_in_NY

            Ok, I . . . um . . . again, many possible responses swirling around in my mind, but . . . sigh . . . I don’t think I’m this much of an exhibitionist. Sorry.

          • Mighty曹

            Hahaha… me too. I’m actually a very private person. I was just playing ‘chicken’ with you. :p

          • Jen_in_NY

            Yeah, well you win. Congratulations.

          • Mighty曹

            I’m glad that was you. I thought someone else was watching.
            Ok, where’s my second winning prize?

          • Jen_in_NY

            Seriously? You want to start this again?

          • Mighty曹

            Why not? Let’s do it on Facebook for a wider audience.

          • Jen_in_NY

            Hahaha. No.

          • Mighty曹

            Ok, so we’re back here alone in ChinaSMACK.

          • Jen_in_NY

            [awkward silence]

          • Mighty曹

            Say nothing. We’ll just explore.

          • Jen_in_NY

            Aww, man. Now you are making fun of me! Shit. I guess I asked for it! Ha!

          • Mighty曹

            I’m not! You thinking that I was is making me embarrassed.

          • Jen_in_NY

            Oh, it’s fine. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about.

          • Mighty曹

            I’m in the comfort zone now.

          • Scream_Writer

            Good, good. Settle in. Your comfort is important to me.

          • Mighty曹

            You should be just as comfortable but you’re not. Perhaps I had failed you.

          • Scream_Writer

            I think you’re really cool, super smart, funny, and I like how you write–which is too rare in places like this–so I wanted to be friends. I barely commented on this site (relatively speaking) until recently. But this public forum personal stuff is not my style, so I guess you’re right; I’m not comfortable.

          • Mighty曹

            Aw.. thanks… the feeling is mutual. it’s okay. I’m just giving you a hard time.

          • Scream_Writer

            Scream_Writer is not but I guess she could be.

          • Mighty曹

            She better be. I’m anxiously waiting.

          • Scream_Writer

            Changed my name/image. You like?

          • Mighty曹

            I like the witty name but still prefer your ‘eyes’.

          • Scream_Writer

            Sincerity, it would seem, is overrated on the Internet, so slink back into shadows shall I. I prefer to be Mia Farrow, anyway!

          • Mighty曹

            Sincerity is an overrated virtue anywhere so might as were bask in the light.

            (I thought that was Janet Leigh in “Psycho”)

          • Scream_Writer

            It’s from Rosemary’s Baby.

          • Mighty曹

            That’s right! I’ve forgotten that. I’ll Netflix it tonight.

          • Scream_Writer

            I sincerely don’t think sincerity is an overrated virtue.

          • Mighty曹

            I sincerely was only joking. It truly is one of the best virtues anyone can possess.

          • biggj

            Then “I think we’re alone now” by Tiffany starts playing in the back ground. :)

          • Mighty曹

            Haha! Is she still around? She and Debbie Gibson.

          • Jen_in_NY

            I tried to reply to you but I replied to myself. whoops.

          • Mighty曹

            Yeah, I thought someone was being sarcastic to you (then to me).

          • Mighty曹

            I don’t mind menage a troi but not with another dude.

          • Are you guys in love?

          • Mighty曹

            I don’t know about her but I am.

          • I think she is.

          • Jen_in_NY

            [looks around] Is it possible no one’s watching?

          • Mighty曹

            We are alone.

          • Jen_in_NY

            Hmmm. I don’t know… I feel many uncreative eyes on me.

          • mr.wiener

            I was just trimming the hedge I swear…And all this photographic gear is for my yard sale….

          • Mighty曹

            That reminds me of a TV commercial that was recently featured in “Most Funniest Commercials”.

          • Mighty曹

            It’s okay. I’m somewhat of an exhibitionist.

          • Jen_in_NY

            Yes, but “The Internet” is kind of a big audience for me.

          • Mighty曹

            It’s all about exposure. The bigger the better.

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