The Encyclopedia of Embarrassment: March 9-15

Qiu Shi Bai Ke

糗事百科 (qiǔ shì bǎi kē), which translates into “The Encyclopedia of Embarrassment”, is a popular Chinese website that publishes jokes and humor submitted by Chinese netizens, with an emphasis on sharing embarrassing things experienced or observed. This week’s jokes & humor post presents the most up-voted joke of the day over the last seven days on the site.

March 15 (30,231 up-votes):

This one was stolen from someone else: One time, a co-worker’s father-in-law had passed away, and we went to offer our condolences. A dude who was late came in holding his cheek, indignantly saying, “Tooth hurts, just took a taxi here from the hospital. After getting on the taxi, I was in so much pain it was unbearable, so I lay down in the back seat and told the taxi to go to the crematorium. That mean driver said to me, ‘Brother, sure you don’t want to try another hospital first?’”

March 14 (25,486 up-votes):

Last night after working overtime I came out to get a taxi home. After over 10 minutes later, there was finally a taxi driver that was willing to take me and my less than four kilometer fare. After I got on the taxi, the shifu [literally "master", a respectful way to address a male taxi driver] began passing on his wisdom to me. “Always get rejected by taxis, right? In the future, get a small trolley case to put your computer inside. Then stand by the street looking like this and the taxis will all be fighting to stop in front of you to take you as a fare, thinking you’re going to the airport, but the moment you get on and they ask, you tell them it’s Unity Lake [a place name, a destination nearby]—[and they can only] cry!”…Shifu, you are such a good friend…the conscience of the profession!

March 13 (39,922 up-votes):

At the end of last year, I had bought a little turtle for my daughter. Over the Spring Festival, it died in my care. Afraid my daughter would be sad, I kept it a secret and didn’t tell her. Just now, she collected a few small stones and told me she’s bringing them home for the little turtle. I said the little turtle was gone and she asked why. I answered: “Sorry, the little turtle died under mommy’s care.” Dudu [the daughter's nickname] wept quietly for a moment, and then pitifully said to me, “Mommy, be more careful. Don’t accidentally kill me!” Me: “…”

March 12 (26,669 up-votes):

In front of the school ATM was a long line. Taking a closer look, there was a xiaohei [little black dog] in the line. The doggy consciously stood in line and moved forward space by space. When it was its turn, it self-consciously wagged its tail and then walked away. A guy in the back said, “He discovered he didn’t bring the card.” No card, card…

March 11 (14,860 up-votes):

Can anyone be more embarrassed than me? Cut…[an expression widely used on this site to divide background information and the funny part of the joke] Last night my company put on a performance and I borrowed some ancient Chinese costumes. When I came home at night, I wanted to scare my wife, so I put on the nocturnal subterfuge clothes before I entered the building. Just before I opened the door to scare my wife, the neighbor opposite us happened to come out and kick me from behind. Tears…

Ancient Chinese nocturnal clothing

March 10 (22,075 up-votes):

LZ is female, sharing an apartment with a senior sister [a respectful way to address a female classmate or schoolmate older than oneself]. Today, She sighed while trying arduously to open the cap of a bottle of yogurt, “Every time I can’t open the cap, I feel I lack a man.”

I quietly took the yogurt from her hand, tore off the sealing strip under the yogurt cap, gently opened the cap, and then handed it over to her. In extreme astonishment, she said to herself, “So, what I lack is actually a brain…”

March 9 (17,424 up-votes):

LZ is male. One day at the supermarket, I didn’t want to buy my son an Ultraman toy, so I tricked him by saying, “These are all domestic ones, not powerful. When Daddy has time one day, I’ll go out and capture a wild Ultraman, now that would be powerful… Now every morning at six o’clock, he is all dressed up standing by my bed urging me to go catch one… my damn big mouth!…A wild Ultraman can’t be handled

Ultraman

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  • Alex

    First one I laughed. The rest were shit.

    • donscarletti

      First one was very good. I would rate one hit and six misses about average for Internet humour.

  • Middle_Kingdum

    No Sofa. No funny.

  • Archie

    I think the Chinese sense of humour is considerably different from my own.

    For example, these jokes are not even the slightest bit funny. I mean, they’re stories with a mildly humourous bent, but no “punchline” per se.

    For further example, once on a plane full of Chinese, the movie “The God’s Must be Crazy” was showing to all on board. Now, I admit the movie is funny, but to have every single person but me in fits of laughter the entire movie, I realised there was something wrong with either me or them.

    • Jahar

      Not you dude.

    • slob

      They’re more into straight-to-the-point humour rather than jokes that actually require thought. Steven Chow for example. Although he is pretty funny, a lot of his humour comes from his actions like Jim Carrey. If you watch the TV here you will see nearly all of their comedy performances are just story routines with exaggerated actions to add humour to the dull punch lines. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a stand up comedian on TV in the 9 years I’ve been here.

      • donscarletti

        What do you call Guo Degang if not standup*? Sure, in China there is almost always a straight man there on stage too, but the content and delivery is almost the same.

        * N.B. if anyone answers my question with: 相声, crosstalk or any other non-English terms, take your code-switching pretentiousness elsewhere.

        • donscarletti

          P.s. crosstalk in English is what you get when two wires carrying an electrical signal are too close together

        • slob

          Those shows are more theatrical comedy than stand-up shows. Shows like that have people prompting the audience to laugh with massives signs saying “CLAP / LAUGH” etc. Stand up comics usually don’t. The big difference is that prompted shows are un-natural and the audience are told when to laugh. The acts are so well rehearsed they seem like robots delivering the lines. Stand up comedians rely on the audience’s reactions and will often throw in lines that aren’t even part of the preparation – a lot of it is ad lib.
          If you want to compare a stand up comedy act like Eddie Murphy Delirious to something like Guo Degang, then maybe you should go to a comedy club then to Guo Degang and see the huge contrast in how the shows are performed.

    • Bill

      I never found Archie funny, myself. It’s not necessarily cultural.

      • mr.wiener

        Yes but who did you want to get it on with the most, Betty or Veronica?

        • BiggJ

          I would rock Betty, I thought Moose’s girl was the best…Midge. Moose was always beating Reggies ass for trying to get with her.:)

      • BiggJ

        I love archie comics. Been reading them since I was kid. It’s not meant to be super funny, Just little stories about archie and the gang. Archie is still more funny then chinese jokes.

    • http://www.chinasmack.com/ MrT

      Chinese think Mr Bean is funny.

      • EightNineBall

        Well, I find him funny. How can anyone not find bean funny?

        • http://www.chinasmack.com/ MrT

          You been here to long.

  • the ace of books

    The turtle: XD

    The yougurt one: XD

    The little doggy one: makes me think of Gaspode, because yes, I did just finish re(rere)reading Men At Arms last night, why do you ask?

  • slob

    Yesterday I saw a woman at the supermarket. When I asked her where the milk was, she pointed at the freezer section and said “Over there”. I walked over and bought my milk. So silly of me to not know where the milk was.
    This story would be funny by Chinese standards.

    • BiggJ

      Instant classic in china. lol

    • Tadd

      You seen “rage comics” before?

      Westerners do EXACTLY the same, but accompany the trivial, banal, mundane, day-to-day events with crude pictures.

      Your example, in a rage comic, would be accompanied in a final panel with “dafuq brain!?”

      • Alex

        Even worse: have you seen the chinese rage comics…????

        Seriously, HAVE YOU!?!? Because I have……..

        • https://www.facebook.com/dinie.akhemu Gerhana

          have you any link??

      • slob

        Unfortunately in the western world meme’s are getting overused to the point they’re no longer funny. Reddit, 9gag, twitter, tumblr, facebook…please internet Gods, I pray you wipe these shit sites off the internet for good.

        • https://www.facebook.com/dinie.akhemu Gerhana

          someone even use meme to proposed marriage, cant remember the couple’s name, and everyone of my friends (uni kids) thought it was romantic. I thought it was vulgar.

      • SuperHappyCow

        http://cheezburger.com/7118343424

        But seriously, though, that’s hilarious.

  • Bugs Bunny

    one from my mom:

    once an old lady was dizzy, her son argued with my mom and the wife of her another son fought with my mom…so full of hate!she told my mom she was dying, so my mom told her buy eggs then boil with brown sugar,that can help her. after one month, that lady not dizzy any more.my mom was very proud at this, she told me the reason:let her live as long as possible, so that that son and that bitch have to feed her longer…waste their rice and money…

    • BiggJ

      “drums” Ba Dum chhhh”

    • BiggJ

      Here is a joke from my mom.

      One day mom put up a bird feeder in her front lawn. She filled it with bird seeds so she could see all the beautiful birds. Then she noticed squirrels were eating all the bird seed.She looked at me and said” Justin, squirrels are eating all the bird seed.” So next day she took the bird feeder down.

      Moral of the story: Never trust chinese people.

  • BiggJ

    A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or
    any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid that there might be something
    wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex
    therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well
    known Chinese sex therapist, so she did.

    Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all you crose.”

    The woman did as she was told.

    Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room.”

    Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

    Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me.”

    So she did.

    Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, “Your probrem vewy bad.
    You haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not

    haf sex or dates.” Confused, the woman asked, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what

    is Ed Zachary disease?”

    Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, “Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.”

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