Topical, Foreign Friends & Watermelon Wonders

Today I heard a story about extortion/blackmail. A rich second-generation handsome guy was parking his luxury car on the side of the street when all of a sudden, an auntie [a friendly way of addressing a middle-aged or older woman you may or may not know] lay down in front of the car refusing to get up. She demanded 10,000 RMB from the rich second-generation guy, otherwise she won’t get up. When offered to be taken to the hospital for an examination [of injuries], she would simply refuse, [so] the rich second-generation guy took out his phone and made a call: Dad, transfer 400,000 -500,000 RMB to my card. I want to run over someone… The auntie then got up and walked away.

[Note: This joke is related to the news stories of false injury scams in recent years.]

Lijun‘s life is complete. He’s accomplished two things that most people wish to accomplish: A love affair you plunge into without regard for your safety and embarking on a journey the moment you want to.

[Note: This quip is based on the recent news about Bo Xilai's trial. "A love affair" refers to Bo's August 26th allegation of a romance in between his former top aide, Wang Lijun, and his wife Gu Kailai. "A journey" refers to Wang Lijun driving to the US consulate in Chengdu and asking for political asylum in February 2012. The "two things most people wish to accomplish" is quoted from a popular quip widely circulated on China's internet.]

Bo Xilai and Wang Lijun

Bo Xilai (Left) and Wang Lijun

Rumor has it that Kim Jong-un’s ex-girlfriend has been executed by firing squad. Chinese netizens quipped: My ex is a wacko.

[Note: Sina Weibo account @我的前任是个极品 (My Ex Is A Wacko) has 2,142,402 followers at time of translation.]

Kim Jong-un's ex-girlfriend

Came across a foreign friend [a friendly way of referring to foreigners you may or may not know in China] on the road. Carrying a travel bag, he said to me, “I want to see chest hair.” I was stunned for a second and then asked him, “Here?” “Yes. Your guys’ chest hair is so beautiful!” Taking by surprise that such a handsome young guy would have such a fondness/special hobby, I hesitated for a bit but then took off my shirt on the street. He looked at me in fear, and then ran away! Later I thought it over and realized he might have wanted to go to the zoo. Hehe, for better or for worse, I passed the CET-4 [College English Test-Level 4] so would it have killed you to just say PANDA?

[Note: Many non-Chinese learners of the Chinese language find it difficult to pronounce the four Chinese tones correctly. Compare 胸毛 (xiōng máo) "chest hair" and 熊猫 (xióng māo) "panda".]

Our foreign colleague suddenly asked me: “Is ‘what’s up’ Chinese people’s favorite foreign language [English] pet phrase? It feels like you guys are always saying ‘what’s up’ around each other, and even sometimes to yourselves in front of the computer. Is it a result of being influenced by American culture?” I thought for a long time, then suddenly realized [what she was referring to], and said to her: Wo cao [fuck]!

High temperatures have persisted over the past few days and as I encountered a black person on the street, I asked, “Can you tell me if it’s hotter here or hotter in your Africa?” The black person answered, “Let me stress this on more time, I’m not from Africa, I simply was tanned dark here!”

[Note: Alludes to recent record heat waves throughout China this past summer.]

Came to quench your thirst. Giggles.

Watermelon bear

Mom no longer allows me to cut watermelons~~~

Scary watermelon 01

Scary watermelon 02

Scary watermelon 03

Scary watermelon 04

Today’s watermelon tastes so exotic!

Starbucks watermelon

Fudan [University] badge. Stunned…

Watermelon sulpture Fudan University badge

Kung fu watermelon!!

taekwondo-watermelon

The highest level of watermelon-cutting.

Watermelon biker

Watermelon carving…

Watermelon sulpture

This is the rhythm [trend] of playing with watermelon until it breaks, One Piece, too creative! thumb up

[Note: One Piece is one of the most popular Japanese manga/anime series among young Chinese. "...the rhythm of..." is a Chinese internet meme popular among Chinese youth this past summer, quoted from the Japanese manga series Attack on Titan. The original line is 作死的节奏 (zuò sǐ de jié zòu), "the rhythm of seeking death" which means "the trend that will lead to death/kill you".]

Watermelon sculpture One Piece

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  • hess

    I didn’t get tanned at all during my two and half years in shijiazhuang, which is weird because i get really tanned back here in sweden during the summer… i wonder if it was the pollution?

    • Jeffrey Jones

      the grey haze, yes, the smog.

      • Refractions_of_Error

        You know, China gives a whole new meaning to the advice of ‘shoving something where the sun doesn’t shine’.

    • Refractions_of_Error

      They have a fake sun:-)

  • ClausRasmussen

    >> Dad, transfer 400,000 -500,000 RMB to my card. I want to run over someone…

    lol

    Also some fantastic photos of Watermelon carving.

  • Alex

    I always get pale white in Beijing. Lack of sun, I guess.

    • Refractions_of_Error

      Lack of everything?

  • The Enlightened One

    Those watermelon carvings are quite cool. That’s an awesome way for street vendors to stand out from the pack and sell more watermelons. Smart marketing idea there!

    Wo cao (oh, fuck me!), does really sound similar to what’s up. lol

  • Refractions_of_Error

    They missed this one of Jet Li:

  • Refractions_of_Error

    SOMEONE! ‘SOMEONE’ complains of no food treat and false claims of love. Here’s both. AND KFC!

    Oh, and probably has the right TOOL also, not just a long tongue…

    • PixelPulse

      Who ever made that is the laziest racist ever and has the lamest sense of humor on this planet.

      • http://www.chinasmack.com/ MrT

        Racist or freedom of speech.Which is it?

        • Ami

          …what?
          She said its unfunny (and it is) not that they should be arrested.
          I mean, whens the last time someone legitimately laughed at “black pepul like kfc & watrmelon LOL” joke? If you’re racist at least be funny/original.

        • Zak from XI’an

          Racist or Freedom of speech? It can be both….

      • Refractions_of_Error

        Well being of the same colour (not exactly like this image) I truly fail to see any racist issue. Unless of course, it holds further political meaning to which I may be oblivious.

        • 剑胆琴心

          ok
          if your a black guy then it’s not you!
          i am sorry for what i said.
          but just leave me alone.
          i do not accept any kinda flirting.
          and i am married.

          • Refractions_of_Error

            Understood and accepted. Let’s TRY and be cool. Also just to make this clear, I was NOT flirting at ALL. Have a nice day. I mean it:-)

    • http://www.chinasmack.com/ MrT

      I miss those marmalade days!

      • Refractions_of_Error

        Ok I am lost on this Mr. T-being from the UK, I may be missing something..

        • http://www.chinasmack.com/ MrT

          Every morning at breakfast!
          Was so great!

          • Refractions_of_Error

            Wow now THAT brings back childhood memories!

    • Eurotrash

      Only funny cuz it’s Øbama.

  • Refractions_of_Error

    Since watermelons are the topic, why not this? Instead of that chinese guy holding a melon in front of his peanuts, lamenting at fate. Anyway, if anyone is actually reading this instead of gaping at the pic, I’ll be surprised:-)

  • Claude

    Well, since this is an assortment of topics, I have a question. I’m not fluent in Chinese and have only studied formally so I don’t understand Chinese slang. When walking down the street in Shanghai; China’s most cosmopolitan city. Every now and then a man will dart out of a doorway and call me a name then – dart back in. What is he most likely calling me? Is he calling a white devil or a fag. I’m not gay and there’s nothing wrong with that, so I just assume a threatened insecure male goes for the fag insult in his quiver of lame insults. Any answers?

    • Chinese

      What it sounds like?

      • Tadd

        Think he means “yang gui zi”
        Kinda sounds like “young gays” or something or other.

        • Chinese

          Then maybe he is a fag. Either way, I won’t be bothered.

          • Claude

            I’m not gay. Are you saying the shopkeeper is? Anyway, I don’t think an adult should be yelling from a doorway or are my expectations to high? I guess i should lower my expectations when in China.

          • Probotector

            Yeah you should lower your expectations. They always shout here.

          • mr.wiener

            It’s the secret to a happy life.

        • Claude

          Isn’t that derogatory for white boy?

    • jin

      cao ni ma

  • Gordon Gogodancer

    Jokes for 10 year old’s as usual…the Watermelon stuff is pretty awesome though

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