Chinese Internet Celebrity Liu Jishou Rates Female Netizens

Chinese internet celebrity 留几手's Sina Weibo profile photo.

留几手 Liu Jishou is a Chinese internet personality who gained attention on China’s leading microblogging service Sina Weibo in late 2012 for his scathing but witty “ratings/reviews” of netizens who direct his attention to photos of themselves or others. As of this translation, Liu Jishou had 5.21 million followers.

Last time, we saw Liu Jishou evaluate a number of male netizens. This time, we take a look at his reviews of female netizens’ photos.

From Sina Weibo:

[Censored]:@留几手 Whatever you say, I won’t be mad. You know [why]. laughlaughlaugh

Yang Li Lynn

@留几手: Shanghai little childish cunt [women who like pretending to be cute and childish], regularly wandering on Hengshan Road‘s bar street. When night falls, you are not content to just be a clerical worker, so you change into provocative outfits every night. You come to No.1 Huaihai [Road], whispering the pleasant-sounding Wu dialect [Shanghainese] with all kinds of men in the bar, every now and then inserting some Hong Kong-style English, to getting free drinks from everyone. The reputation of Chinese women being “public buses” [promiscuous] is because of women like you. Marrying abroad is your lifelong pursuit. If I give you 1 point, you will curse me, “Ce na, go die/get lost, you beggar [written as how a Shanghainese person would speak].”

From Sina Weibo:

[Censored]: @留几手 Aunty Liu [Ji]shou. [Here’s a] nice and decent student photo. Begging for abuse, begging for abuse! despisedespise

Girl and friend

@留几手: The one on the left side is you? You don’t look old, but your heart is not pure. Did you think taking a photo with your friend would make you look like a beautiful flower? Wearing such a weird outfit, with the braids of of country girl, a low-quality lace “cunt-high miniskirt” [a really short miniskirt], and a cap fished out of a trash can. In order to photoshop your leg to look skinnier, the tiles on the ground have all been distorted/blurred. You’re a student but you don’t look like one and you look like a prostitute but you aren’t one. In comparison, the chubby girl on the right is simple and not pretentious, and is so much better than you. Left: Negative points. Right: 0 points. This is the result of your taking advantage of your friend.

From Sina Weibo:

[Censored]: Circled you to death @留几手

Zhai Zhidi

@留几手: Yikes, you almost scared me off my stool. You are just like a paper figure during funerals, like someone who wants to die but can’t, a figure of ghastly darkness, and it’s a miracle you haven’t scared yourself to death when looking in the mirror. I really want to go to the market and buy a big rooster, drain its blood, and perform an exorcism on you. That way you can go back to normal, and I can also add another achievement for myself, a win-win situation. Finally, Brother [referring to himself] advises you not to walk outside at night. Looking this way, if you get beaten to death, even the courts would have to rule it justifiable self-defense. No points, not in the human being category.

From Sina Weibo:

Non-Chinese female netizen

@留几手: What’s going on? Has business grown so big? That my influence has reached America? Alright then, today I’ll give an international friend a score. Foreign university students are this old? Or are you the third aunty who cooks in the university cafeteria?! You look too simple and sometimes naive. But deep down you are too slutty and sometimes violent. What a country pao [村炮, “country bumpkin”]! Like a tiger B [虎B, originated from a song titled 《虎B》 which, according to the singer, is for all the actresses who were involved in sex scenes on TV]! Negative scores, fuck off!

From Sina Weibo:

@Lcecelia: Where is the rating that you agreed to give? My friend has been waiting for you for a long time. Waiting

Lcecelie's friend

@留几手: Est-ce que vous travaillez dans une boîte de nuit à Amsterdam ? Vous pouvez parler chinois ,mais seulement les mots“nihao”“lingdao”“youfapiao”. Je vous donne la note -∞. Bienvenue en Chine ,vous pouvez trouver un bon travail à 东莞.

[English translation: Do you work in a nightclub in Amsterdam? You can speak Chinese, but only the words “Hello” “Leader [a way to address government officials]” “I provide invoices/receipts [for government officials to get reimbursed]”. I give you the note – ∞. Welcome to China, you can find a good job in Dongguan (a city known as “China’s sex capital”).]

From Sina Weibo:

张雲洁Christine: I heard about Brother Shou a long time ago but haven’t had a chance to send [this photo to you]. Today I send one not knowing if you’ll see it. lovely I’m wearing cosmetic contact lenses [that make pupils look larger], @留几手

Zhang Yunjie Christine

@留几手: Your father can’t sell his basket of corn for more than a pile of red bills [100 RMB] for a basket of corns. You lied to your illiterate parents that you wanted to take an English learning class, and finally through tricks and deception managed to amass enough for standing room-only train tickets from Siping to Paris. You used your charm and conquered French, relying on the two French words “stupid pig” [bèn zhū, sounds like “bonjour”] and “foolish donkey” [shǎ lǘ, sounds like “salut”] to swindle France. Before you left, you bought a “I love bali” [Liu Jishou interpreted the “bali” on her t-shirt as bā lí, Pinyin romanization for “Paris”] original souvenir T-shirt from a Dutch vendor on the Avenue des Champs-Élysées, then reluctantly boarded a green car [a type of train in China, old and slow] back to China. 0 points.

From Sina Weibo:

[Censored]:@留几手 @留几手 Brother Shou, she is “crying to the sky and screaming to the ground” for a rating.

A female netizen

@留几手: Delicate women become “light-skinned, rich, and beautiful” [the female equivalent of the “tall, rich, and handsome” standard for men], flirty women become black wood ear fungus [referring to a promiscuous woman’s vagina, a slutty woman], and only er bi [idiotic] women become artistic women. Brother [referring to himself] sees through cunt women of your kind. Plaid shirt, forward cap, and the black-framed glasses you wear. You save a half year’s cunt money to flee to Lijiang or Gulangyu Island, drinking a can of expired milk tea, flipping through a Zhang Xiaoxian book at a coffee house or on a train but never getting past five pages. [When you] get lost, you don’t say you’re lost, but say “I lost myself in blablabla. You lost yourself NMB. Negative points, fuck off.

From Sina Weibo:

@唐堉倩: My name is Tang Yuqian, a post-90s [born in the 1990s], and I feel I can take the path of TV singing competitions and talent shows. This Monday night at 8pm, I’ll be on Sprint Good Voice live, and I hope the mentors will turn their chairs for me in June. @留几手 Brother Shou please comment!

Tang Yuqian

@留几手: You are the kind of girl who give men butterflies in their stomach upon seeing you. The wind blows through your beautiful hair, and a watermelon seed you haven’t yet wiped away remains at the corner of your mouth, incredibly cute. Your haughty yet loveable gaze instantly made me sense your self-confidence, intellectuality, independence, as well as a little obstinacy. Not beautiful in that take-the-world-by-storm way, but in a heartwarming way, making every wanderer willing to stop for you. Brother [referring to himself] hasn’t heard your voice, [so I] don’t know if you will succeed, but I will give you 2 points first.

From Sina Weibo:

Panamera、花言巧语: @留几手 Recently ended a relationship, and now only have a group of friends to be with me every day. Begging for comfort.

Panamera Huayan Qiaoyu

@留几手: First look at the picture above. The same yellow hair, cosmetic contact lenses, fake eyelashes, vain and pretentious facial expressions. Girls like this I’ve seen a lot. Absolutely not beautiful at all. Just one sweep of the street, and [you’ll] get a dustpan [full of girls like this], every minute you risk being swept away by street cleaners. Negative points no doubt; Now look at the picture below, that’s your true selves in 10 years, have thrown off what the world thinks of you, no longer pursuing pretentious fashions, being who you are, and having your own styles. 0 points, for your future selves.

Photo from Sina Weibo account Liu Xin Happy Birthday

From Sina Weibo:

[Censored]: From now on, I will @留一手 in every weibo post, until the day I am rated. I’m wondering if I’ll still laugh out loud when it is me myself being criticized into shit!! Hahaha!!! Cry Feel like being abused lately!!

Female netizen

@留几手: When I saw your photo, I was startled. You look very much like my childhood first love, pure, fresh, and refined. On those warm and sunny afternoons, I rode a bike carrying her on the back to the hills to pluck oranges, and wove a ring for her with the Dog’s-tail glass. back then I didn’t yet know how to write poems, and could only shielded her from the wind in my arms. When girls like you look for boyfriends, you must find a boyfriend like me, and only guys like me deserve you. I give you 4 points.

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  • didi

    ouch harsh lol

  • bipolarbear

    On behalf of all the cS lurkers (read: the majority of cS readers), we demand more! Both 留几手 articles are hilarious, and are much more enjoyable than the ones about raping/killing/stealing.

    • Jay K.

      here here i concur! more of brother Liu!

    • filabusta

      He’s too nice with the ladies though, I think hes trying to pick them up.

    • xmarkwe

      Nah … don’t give the pig any credit at all. He thinks insulting and denigrating girls is wit, when he is in fact as dimwitted and shallow as his are his (very very few) fans.

      • Xiu

        It’s not wit, it’s childish schoolyard humour at its best. The guy is funny as fuck, and pretty perceptive in some cases. A bit of childish name-calling, especially when it’s spot on, is a very nice counter point to all the tragedy and corruption we hear about on a daily basis. More Bro 留 please.

  • Terrik

    I love these articles.

  • wha–

    “Now look at the picture below, that’s your true selves in 10 years, have thrown off what the world thinks of you, no longer pursuing pretentious fashions, being who you are, and having your own styles.”

    absolute genius.

  • http://www.chinasmack.com/ MrT

    zero all of them.

    • Mighty曹

      ‘Zero’ without ‘fuck off’ is just wrong.

    • SuperHappyCow

      Bullshit.

      • http://www.chinasmack.com/ MrT

        you see something you actually rate above a zero?
        We on a 1- 10 scale here, as used, tested and proven sitting out side many bars , Laowai and Chinese dudes doing the scoring.

        • SuperHappyCow

          I reiterate. BS. Many of the girls are attractive save for about 10 in the group pictures, and the paper pale girl.

          Even the lumpy European chick is datable, but that depends.

          • http://www.chinasmack.com/ MrT

            OH sorry my beer goggles must me on the blink best get another drink.
            or we looking at different websites.
            or you not seen anything better in your time here, in which case i offer my condolences for your loss.
            or you like false stereo types “fashion” women, just like Chinese men do.
            or well the possibilities are endless

          • SuperHappyCow

            They’re not ugly is my point. You’d roll her in the mud just as fast as any guy.

            Wtf does “roll her in the mud” mean?

          • http://www.chinasmack.com/ MrT

            oh yea not real ugly, more plastic false looking.

            Some like that look.
            but do nothing for me, I got to this stage where its got to be hot or i get bored in a few minutes and fire the computer up to play games instead. Maybe I been spoilt on occasions.

            “roll her in the mud” i suspect so you cant see their bat sht ugly mugs.

          • http://www.chinasmack.com/ MrT

            off to Ecuador, see what the birds are like there.

          • Mighty曹

            I thought you got tricked into flying from Moscow to Cuba only to get tossed into Guantanamo.

          • http://www.chinasmack.com/ MrT

            no, I’m double agent, no one can toss me.

          • SuperHappyCow

            That’s weird. I think the girls in the individual pictures don’t look incredibly like plastic, despite however much posing annoys me.

          • http://www.chinasmack.com/ MrT

            you are joking? Most of them have had the standard “this is how a Chinese girl should look” nose and eye jobs.

            You know, the ones you see with QQ pages whoring it up for big dollar.
            Its all part of the mass brainwashing of the gals here to sell them over priced “face jobs and products”

          • SuperHappyCow

            I used to hate on plastic surgery, but now I’m kind of split. I just can’t be bothered to give a shit if someone feels a need to change a facet of their physical appearance.

            If you want to know why I can find quotes by you and certainly by me, and probably by everyone on this site that’s judgmental and discriminatory about people who have the most mild physical abnormalities.

            All that said, I’d plug them, surgery or not, and that’s basically my entire point.

          • Dr Sun

            on what, how many beers you have had ?

  • BiggJ

    Black wood ear fungus [referring to a promiscuous woman’s vagina, a slutty woman]….

    Classic.

    • Dr Sun

      whats the thing for a slutty man ? goat cheese fungus meat

      • mr.wiener

        Maybe “deep fried stinky tofu roll”

      • http://sinopathic.com/ terroir

        Rancid yangrouchuanr, skewer included.

  • Dr Sun

    not a pretty girl there, all trying to look like Japanese Emo

  • POS

    A third (closer to 4th) rate lady boy talking shit, can he not jump off a bridge already?

    • mr.wiener

      And deprive China of his acidly witty tongue? I think not.
      A societies most bitter and articulate critics often have feet of clay, but embolden others to use their voices.
      Would you have seen Ginsberg, Zola, Swift and Voltaire silenced?

      • the ace of books

        “feet of clay”

        Been reading too much Pratchett lately, since this automatically makes me wonder how either 1) Brother Hand would rate Dorfl, or 2) how Dorfl would rate Brother Hand.

        “You Are An Acerbic Human Being, As It is Your Right To Be. Some Things You Say Might Be Construed As Funny By Creatures Whose Sense Of Humor Aligns With Yours. If I Were To Abide By An Arbitrary System Of Points I Might Award You A Predetermined Number Of Them And Suggest You Leave And Enjoy The Reasonably-Priced Services Of Mrs Palm’s Girls (Unless You Are More Inclined Toward Mr Harris).”

      • POS

        I found his analysis of mediocre entertainment value, and the fact that these girls submit themselves to abuse by some internet lady boy nets them all negative points in my book :P its the kind of crap they spill all over American reality TV nowadays, tasteless and crass IMHO.

        • http://sinopathic.com/ terroir

          What’s amazing about the Hand is not whether you enjoy his brand of comedy jam, but that so many people are listening to his analyses. When no one is making any analyses.

        • Germandude

          I agree. The retarded are in the majority (also refering to terrroir’s comment: “…but that so many people are listening to his analyses.”)

          Idiot flames idiots online and what happens? More idiots come and post their pics to get flamed. Yeah, call that entertainment. Meanwhile, the audience is applauding to the idiocy of others. Way to go…

          • POS

            Thats the heart of it right there.

        • mr.wiener

          For your edification [and Germandudes] I have put a link to Jacob Burckhardt’s “History of the renaissance”, in this instance his chapter on the developement of the individual: Ridicule and wit.
          It is a cracking good read and still as relevant as when he wrote it over a century ago. Enjoy.

          http://historymedren.about.com/od/burckhardt/a/cri_ii3.htm

        • http://simplydesigned.tumblr.com/ maybeabanana

          Equivalent to Hot or Not.com. or think of Harvard’s initial seed to facebook.

    • bipolarbear

      It’s *not* his photo, just his profile picture.

    • MAX

      considering how bitter you are, i’m surprised you yourself haven’t done so yet. remember it’s always an option.

      • POS

        Show me a good one, then I can use you to test the waters. Wanker.

        • takasar1

          i’m visiting san Fransisco, do you mind?

          • POS

            Sure please toss him right in, thank you so kindly.

  • Nilerafter24

    This guy is hilarious. He needs to do more of these.

    4th last is the best.. What a pretty face.
    The rest are ….. meh.

  • Washington Bullets

    I love how blunt and scathing his ratings are. They bring a smile to my face :)

  • Mr. Guest

    Why the need for the Chinese asking to be bitch slapped by that nasty little faggot? Little or no self esteem?

    • The Enlightened One

      Because they like it rough. Don’t fall for the little-girl-I-am-so-innocent act.

    • Xiu

      found your sense of humour all withered and useless of late? Try some viahahahagra!

  • tonkotsu

    MOARRR

  • Middle_Kingdum

    This man is hilarious. He is the Chinese Ricky Gervais. What’s even better, is that empty-headed and starry-eyed Chinese girls send their photos for him. He has an easy job.

  • Mighty曹

    Not as good as the previous one but Brother Hand is still my hero!

    LMAO@ “You are just like a paper figure during funerals, like someone who wants to die but can’t, a figure of ghastly darkness, and it’s a miracle you haven’t scared yourself to death when looking in the mirror.”; “advises you not to walk outside at night. Looking this way, if you get beaten to death, even the courts would have to rule it justifiable self-defense.”

    • http://simplydesigned.tumblr.com/ maybeabanana

      No amount of makeup will save her from a flat face… *psst…it’s secretly a he. Ok, I’m being mean instead of funny.

  • lonetrey / Dan

    I laughed a little at the last one, with the reverse psychology thing

    Nice article to read for fun

  • TheOrz

    I can’t believe there’s still *nothing* on the Snowden affair.

    • The Enlightened One

      Yeah, he left Hong Kong. The Chinese government (obviously annoyed with the confessions of U.S. hacking their system… but I am sure they do it too)… weren’t really partial of giving him up to the U.S, understandably.

      He left for Russia, then possibly Cuba, Iceland or some other country in South America. Russia offered him asylum. Even the Americans are pissed, and some were even suggesting the people take their government to court and sue them lol.

      • TheOrz

        Yeah, I’m following the news on real news sites as well. What I’m saying is I can’t believe there’s not a single “popular thread” about it in China worthy of ChinaSMACK’s attention.

        • Kai

          Here: http://huati.weibo.com/202383

          Look at the numbers. There’s arguably a diffuse amount of mentions, but so far no one thing getting big.

    • Mighty曹

      Yeah, I’ve been waiting for my chance to talk shits about the US gov’t.

  • The Enlightened One

    I think he was right about most of them. Obviously, that’s why he is so popular is because he is right 80-90% of the time and these fools know it!

  • Germandude

    I hope that in the next days cS will have something about the guy that shot 6 people in Shanghai yesterday.

    • mr.wiener

      I hope they have something on the kid with a tail, but there is no telling as to the whims and fancies of the Chinese netizins.

      http://imgur.com/CSfyngq

      • http://simplydesigned.tumblr.com/ maybeabanana

        Kid x platypus

        • Mighty曹

          Platypus on the wrong ‘end’. Pun intended.

          • http://simplydesigned.tumblr.com/ maybeabanana

            Oxo

          • http://simplydesigned.tumblr.com/ maybeabanana

            He is 1up on me with +swim skillzzzzz.

          • Mighty曹

            Evolution played a cruel trick on the poor fella. Being either a sea otter or a beaver is better than a combination of both.

      • Mighty曹

        Speechless.

    • http://sinopathic.com/ terroir

      I’m thinking the runaway killer trolley story just because of video evidence and the inversely-proportionate reaction from bystanders.

      (bystanders stopped and stared, or ran over to stop and stare)

  • http://simplydesigned.tumblr.com/ maybeabanana

    ” The wind blows through your beautiful hair, and a watermelon seed you haven’t yet wiped away remains at the corner of your mouth,”

    Validate me!

  • http://simplydesigned.tumblr.com/ maybeabanana

    REAL GIRLZ.

    • Mighty曹

      If I must choose I’ll go with ‘Secretly Depressed’. (Not if she’s really 6 yrs old though)

      • I love Chinese girls

        I’ll go with anyone of them.

        • mr.wiener

          It remains a universal constant that he who sticks his dick in crazy pays for it in the end.

          • Mighty曹

            And STD is the only currency exchanged for payment.

        • Mighty曹

          Your ‘name’ is too broad. How about adding an adjective like ‘cute’, ‘pretty’, ‘fat’, ‘Han’, etc. before ‘Chinese’?

          • I love Chinese girls

            Good suggestion! I’ll do that.

          • Mighty曹

            Great choice! I was afraid you’d go with ‘fat’.

          • I love Sexy Chinese girls

            That’s not gonna happen.

  • filabusta

    What is it with those contact lenses? I always thought these girls were using some photo editing software to make their pupils bigger but its actually contact lenses. I think he’s too nice to the good looking ones. He should make something up instead of using points to express how many times he beat off to their picture.

    • Mighty曹

      He’s gone a bit soft this time. The previous one was hilarious.

  • http://sinopathic.com/ terroir

    Last pic:
    “On those warm and sunny afternoons, I rode a bike carrying her on the back to the hills to pluck oranges, and wove a ring for her with the Dog’s-tail glass. back then I didn’t yet know how to write poems, and could only shielded her from the wind in my arms. ”

    The king is dead. Get rid of this bleeding heart and give us back our heartless sarcastic robot spew-tickler.

    “I give you 4 points.”

    You only had three to spare, Brother Hand.

  • Peter Pottinger

    What the fuck all those girls except the 1 with minimal make up look like sex dolls, and not in a good way

  • Dumbledore

    He might have a talent for roasting (although he does seem to use a lot of the same puns) but he’s clearly not too clever if he can mistake Bali for Paris without realising that a t-shirt in romanized letters would never use Chinese pinyin. Did anyone “rate” him yet? His pic looks like it has material for a medium-sized novel.

  • fairytale

    Not real but funny

  • weiyuan

    Fucking hilarious. And blissfully free of feminist whining.

  • Xiu

    “Just one sweep of the street, and [you’ll] get a dustpan [full of girls like this]” PMSL… so true. This is why Chinese guys say foreigners Chinese gf’s are ugly… This is what they aspire to. A look at the photo below shows why these girls only rate as one night stands for foreigners :p

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