Chinese Father Makes Proposal Difficult For Japanese Man

Chinese Father Makes Proposal Difficult For Japanese Man

A Japanese man was disliked by his Chinese girlfriend’s father, who purposely made proposing difficult for him, stipulating that the man must marry into and live with his wife’s family and not return to Japan for 5 years. He didn’t expect the Japanese man to agree, then successfully propose and bring his daughter to buy a diamond ring. The old man even asked the store staff “why would you sell a ring to a Japanese person? Don’t be tricked by the devils!” Some netizens agreed with the Chinese father, but others feel that people should give up old historical hostilities.
Source:
qq

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  • David

    Why give up old hate when it is so much fun.

  • DD Bear!

    my father dislikes any guy i am with.

    • Muhammad Nabil

      Maybe he even dislikes you.

      • DD Bear!

        ha! you know better?
        muslim guy?

        • Fdom

          does your father run the brothel you work in? he should be happy you make money for him.

          • DD Bear!

            ha!
            that’s the way you were born???
            no wonder you even do not know who is your dad so far!
            fk off, idiot!

          • Fdom

            What does this even mean? Your english is so bad! hahahaha

          • DD Bear!

            coz you are a muslim dog, you do not understand anything!

          • Fdom

            Why do you call everyone a muslim dog even when they are not a muslim? You really need to learn some more english insults because it makes you look like a moronic f**ktard.

        • Muhammad Nabil

          Yes,i met your dad outside a pub and he told me,he dislikes you.

  • donscarletti

    The fact that this woman won’t tell her racist father to go screw himself suggests that she will not be a loving, loyal wife. I think this Japanese dude could do better.

    • spotty

      whoa. Filial piety is extremely valued in Asia. A good daughter or son will never say something like that to his/her father. What most likely will happen in these situations is, she knows her dad is a little coo coo in the head but not an inherently bad person. So as the saying goes, she probably knows very well that the father will relent sooner or later once he gets to know the man better, and rather than cutting off ties with her father and bring shame, have her father slowly accept and support them without the over the top arguments and dramas.
      It’s a win win situation.
      There’s a saying in Chinese; have daggers for a mouth, but a heart softer than tofu. She knows very well, that in the end he would support her.

      • donscarletti

        Statistically, parents are the number 1 cause of divorce in China. Even if you can comply with every single demand from a set of parents, you cannot comply with the demands of both sets since they are bound to conflict.

        What you say about slowing coming to accept a situation runs contrary to experience. I have found the more you comply, the more that is expected and the less that is appreciated. Older Chinese can be proud and stubborn, but they are excellent at taking a compromise when presented with a far worse alternative (like losing the daughter completely). This is the case both in the north and in the south, although southerners are easier to negotiate with.

        A happy couple must take a firm hand. Often distance can make a relationship happier, I know of more marriages hurt by the man’s parents than the woman’s, since they tend to have closer proximity. I have never heard of a Chinese marriage fail because of parents in another city.

        • guest

          Personalty, I think the Japanese man called her fathers buff when he said yes I be happy to live with you for 5 years. If he was so anti-Japanese it would make his heart turn a 1000 times more and drove him a little more insane. Looking at the photos from the site I think the mother has some sense in her.

          But sometimes the parents need to learn though experience (although I can relate to your last sentence) I was in an on off relationship back in 2009 with a a girl form Nanjing. Their parents didn’t really like her being interested in me so they sent her to New Zealand to do some one year postgraduate diploma in the hope of she would forget me. Well within a year of coming back to China she got married to some guy her own nationality and her parents where happy at first. But after like 9 months they got divorce because she worked out that she wasn’t really into him, also her parents ended up hating him as well, something along the lines of being a weak man…….

          Anyhow, to cut the story to the end, shes now getting married to some Japanese guy shes into, her parents are ok with that (they have accepted it), and also her parents also apologize to her for interfering with her relationship(s) and that they should accept her choices.

    • Realist

      I hope you raise your children with those values LOL But do keep them away to wherever you’re from.

      • Teacher in China

        See that’s the difference between our cultures. We’re not afraid to tell someone they’re a fucking bigot just because they’re older than us or our parents. A bigot is a bigot, and if their biased asinine actions are directly and negatively affecting my life, I’m not going to put up with it no matter who they are. I personally think this is a good thing.

        • really

          Well, that’s your opinion. You were raised with different values and just because it’s what you are used to doesn’t mean it’s the only way to approach it.
          Also, for your information, we don’t tell our parents they’re f-ing bigots etc because we are afraid, we don’t say things like that because we respect and love them.
          Instead of forcing a clash, where you could severely hurt your parents, or corner them into a place where it’s difficult for them to back out of. We, being the younger generations, chose to smooth things out slowly, like water by molding them softly into seeing what we see, and eventually for them to give us their blessings.
          You don’t know the dynamic of this girl’s family or her history, you don’t know what the father is like personally. She does, and, like someone else said, she knows that her dad wasn’t a bad person, and that he will most likely change his views for her happiness (heck maybe even a 180 degrees turn, if her husband is really that wonderful). So rather than having a big fight with the man who raised her for so many years, she wants to go at it slowly and let him come to his senses.

          • Teacher in China

            Being afraid to tell someone when they are acting inappropriately is not love, in my opinion. Those who love us will and should tell us when we were are doing things that are negatively affecting our loved ones or society as a whole, regardless of whether the people are our parents or whether it may hurt their feelings. We do this because we love them and we want them to change themselves into better people. I prefer this way instead of the typical traditional Chinese way of cowering in front of someone just because they are older and (supposedly) wiser than you. Age does not always equal wisdom, and in the case of older Chinese generations’ feelings towards Japanese people, often the opposite is true.

            Granted, I don’t know this woman’s situation, so maybe for her this was the right way. My reply was mostly in response to Realist’s comment that the OP’s values were somehow wrong.

        • Realist

          Being older is not the same as being your parent, and being politically correct is not something you usually need to worry about in your own family. It’s something you do at work to not get sent to sensitivity training. I don’t know about you, but I will absolutely not spend my time and money raising a little guy from birth to adulthood for him to grow up and tell me to screw myself; I’d rather abort him and spend all that time and money enjoying life.

          • Teacher in China

            I don’t think you’re ready to be a parent then. Best stay out of the whole situation if that’s your attitude.

          • Realist

            No, I think I will raise a filial son and you raise one who tells you to screw yourself and eat a sack of nuts when you instruct him. To each his own.

          • Teacher in China

            “eat a sack of nuts”…..? If my son actually said this, I would laugh out loud. I would have no problem if my son told me to screw myself if for some strange reason I became a bigot or a racist. That would show me that I had done a good job. Keep your “filial” son with his mask of respect, I’d rather always know exactly where I stand.

          • Neobooper

            You must be Japanese

          • Alex Dương

            Because?

          • Neobooper

            I dont know, God create him that way?

          • Realist

            Your mother

          • Neobooper

            definitely Japanese, cant even complete a sentence properly

          • Alex Dương

            Please ease off the anti-Japanese sentiment.

          • Neobooper

            why?

          • Alex Dương

            This is not a place for people to bash any nationality etc.

          • Neobooper

            and you are…. the world police?

          • Alex Dương

            Nope. But as a mod, I do ask that you follow the comment policy.

          • Neobooper

            and how do you know I’m not Japanese? I’m within my right to say things about my heritage

          • Alex Dương

            Not relevant.

          • Neobooper

            Sure it does, you are being racist and picking on me, go mod the other people that been a constant ass for the last few years. If you are a real mod that is

          • Alex Dương

            Um, no. Asking you to follow the comment policy is not being racist, nor is it picking on you.

          • Neobooper

            Don’t see you asking the others, Mr. Mod Commentist

          • Teacher in China

            Because most people here follow the comment policy. If you want to be a racist jerk, go back to the Shanghaiist.

          • neobooper ver.2

            Wooo…. Santa Little Helper……

          • Teacher in China

            Do you want to sit on Santa’s knee little boy? It can be arranged. ;)

          • Realist

            Says the person who didn’t capitalize the first letter or put a period at the end…

          • Neobooper

            Only Japanese put special attention to small details

  • WghUk

    Japanese are still human his guy proves his love is real! Hope this turn out well.

    • KamikaziPilot

      Maybe but what it proves more is the father is your garden variety in China ignorant dumbass who can’t let go of the past, and not even his past as he probably wasn’t around when the war was going on, and wants to live his life through his child. Probably doesn’t even have his own life so his daughter is his life. Yes I wish the couple good luck too but as for the father I don’t care about him at all.

      • Realist

        He’s a garden variety dumbass because he counted on the other side declining his conditions, thus leaving the final word for someone else to say. There’s no reason to forget history. He should have just said no and if he raised his daughter right, that would be the end of it. It he didn’t… well, you can’t cry about not having a harvest now when you should have been watering your crops for the last 6 months.

        • KamikaziPilot

          That and he can’t judge people individually. I never said to forget history, I said he can’t let go of the past. And that past most likely didn’t even involve him living through it personally (probably born after the war). Well I guess “raising his daughter right” would depend on the individual assessing that statement. Just because someone gave birth to you doesn’t mean you have to be blindly obedient to their every wish, at least according to my values.

          • Realist

            Judging people individually is for finding drinking/fishing buddies. When your families are going to combine, you must consider many more factors including family background, politics, culture, etc… or you’re only asking for trouble later.

          • KamikaziPilot

            So in essence you’re saying family acceptance is more important than finding a partner you love for who they are. I won’t argue with you about which is right or wrong but I rather have a wife who I love as a person rather than someone who my family accepts. I know it’s just a cultural difference and we’ll never agree but that’s just my opinion.

          • Realist

            Finding someone you love is the most important thing in marriage, but it does not mean that family compatibility must be sacrificed for it because you can find someone else who you love and is compatible with your family. They may love each other now but if they broke up, they will love some one else soon enough.

          • KamikaziPilot

            It is possible to find someone you love that is also compatible with your family but that doesn’t always happen. Put simply you can’t just say “they will love someone else soon enough” because that’s not the way it always works out. What if you love someone who’s not compatible with your family so you break up with them and then you never find someone you love ever again. You’ve just missed your chance because you’ve put family compatibility over your personal love. It’s a personal choice but you can’t just assume everyone will eventually find someone who they both love AND is compatible with their family. Sometimes you have to chose which is more important to you, love or family compatibility.

          • Realist

            I believe in myself; I trust that my next girlfriend will surpass my last because I am constantly better than I was yesterday. I am personally never scared to lose what I have to get a chance to chase something better. Of course, if a person has a serious issue and takes 6 years to find 1 relationship because of constant rejection, and the situation is not improving, then settling for something less than ideal may be a consideration. His/her family should consider it as well, which is possibly why her father simply set conditions as opposed to outright rejection.

          • KamikaziPilot

            But if you lose what you have because of what your family thinks, to me that would be a tragedy, especially if you never find someone that special again. I get what you’re saying and I understand Chinese values when it comes to relationships but I just disagree on the family acceptance part.

          • Realist

            I used to believe in meeting that special person too, but after enough relationships, you just believe in finding someone better, not someone special. When I was 21, I nearly cut off ties with my family to be with a Korean girl. I didn’t understand why they kept saying it wouldn’t work. But when they saw me get crazy and threaten to leave the family, they backed off, even bought me a ticket to Korea to see her during Christmas (she was a study abroad student when we met). On that trip, I saw what they saw; she wasn’t fit for marriage. When I came back, my father looked me in the eyes with a teeth-bearing grin and growl/whispered into my ear, “Your parents are always right because you are stupid and we are smart.” LOLOLOL Oh fond memories!

          • KamikaziPilot

            Better, special? We’re arguing semantics now. All I’m saying is that it’s YOUR life. I know for many Chinese their family is their life but for many foreigners it’s not the same. I’ll just chalk it up to different cultural values. Nobody is right or wrong. Maybe for you having a happy family makes you happy as well and you think you’re obligated to please your family just as much as to please yourself, but I don’t feel that way, at least not to the extent you do. I respect my family, I want them to be happy but not at the expense of my happiness. As for that Korean girl, it doesn’t prove your father knows more than you, it just proves that you both saw the same flaws, it doesn’t happen all the time.

  • KamikaziPilot

    I guess it’s ingrained in Chinese culture to live your life according to your parents wishes. Too many parents live their lives through their kids and the kids just let them do it while being suffocated by their parents. You think your parents love you unconditionally, try telling them to stop butting into you life at every possible moment, then see what they say.

    • Realist

      They say, “You wanna set out to be a UFC champion? LOL OK, Don’t come back to me in 10 years and blame me for why you’re a garbage picker with a limp when you could have been a rich doctor following what I tell you.” They’re right. Most people flipping your burgers and bagging your groceries didn’t listen to their parents.

      • KamikaziPilot

        If you want to live to please your parents be my guest, I refuse to live my life that way. I’ll take into consideration their advice but that doesn’t mean they always or even usually know what’s best for MY life. Maybe what’s best for THEIR life but not MY life.

        • Realist

          I wish to live to please my parents because my parents are only pleased to see me do well and raise the family name. They’ve made it clear that if there ever was a choice between me and them, they’d pick me without even thinking. Same team, only fools don’t realize that and try to fight against those willing to die for you.

          • KamikaziPilot

            Well that’s the difference between you and me. It’s cultural. If I grew up in China I”d probably think the same. I don’t care about my “family name”. I personally think a lot of Chinese parents think more of themselves than their children but obviously you disagree. I never implied that me and my parents aren’t on the “same team” but I don’t pledge blind obedience to them just because they’re my parents because I know I have my own life to live, and thankfully they realize that too.

      • donscarletti

        Rich doctor?

        I’m not sure how many mainland Chinese parents you know. Mostly they just want their kids to give up on their career in BJ/SH/SZ to go back to their hometown to drive their parents between majiang games.

        I’m in China, most people flipping _my_ burgers dropped out of university to support their deadbeat parents.

        • Realist

          I have no idea who you hang out with. All the Chinese (or Asian) parents I know, rich or poor, go to great lengths to send their kids to medical school, law school, business school, etc… They’d rather die from illness than take their kid out of school to be their caretaker. I’ve never seen any Asian parents try to mess up their kids lives like that before but I guess it all depends on what circle you travel in…

          • donscarletti

            Mainland Chinese. They don’t have much in common with the “Asians” you refer to but facial shape. Firstly, for someone to be willing to cross the pacific to become an “Asian”, they need to be willing to abandon their ancestral home, a sin according to traditional Confucian values, the “Asians” you see are the ones that defy this themselves and thus cannot expect the same from their children. Secondly, migration is either done for their own career or that of their children, “Asians” are a self-selecting group that considers this advancement to be key, Mainland Chinese however largely consider stability, an iron rice bowl, to be key.

            This is an apples to oranges comparison.

  • bluh

    Anyone have links or sources for the original article?

  • Vance

    To be fair, if he is old enough, he may have actually experienced some of their crap back in the day. I hear that even American soldiers who served in the Pacific Theater have trouble accepting them as friends now.

    • donscarletti

      If he is old enough to remember WWII, his daughter would probably be old enough for him to be willing to kiss the Emperor’s feet for sending a man willing to marry her.

    • Zappa Frank

      he should be around 80-70… while he is more likely 50

      • Mihel

        Average 80yo in China looks like 50yo due to healthy diet and simple lifestyle.
        I read that on the internet.

        • Zappa Frank

          i’ve read on statistic that average 80yo in china usually live in the graveyard

  • vonskippy

    They should move to the States, most people here don’t give a flying fck where you’re from – for the average folk, you’re judged on what you do and how you act, not where you’re from. I’m German, my wife is French, our parents are cool but the aunts/uncles etc still had a grudge. So we moved to the States, our kids are US citizens, and the relatives that still have a pole up their ass about national differences are to pinch penny to come visit – so a win for all.

  • KamikaziPilot

    When did I say that I’d tell my parents to “screw themselves”? I never said that. I would never say that to my parents unless they were totally out of line, such as telling me I shouldn’t marry someone because of their race or the way they look. I won’t argue whether parents love their kids more than themselves, that’s up to each person to decide. Yes I realize more life experience can mean they’re more knowledgeable than me in certain areas but you also have to remember this same age difference means parents may not think the same way or have knowledge of the same things you do (ex. social media). I used to lift weights too, and if my parents told me to stop because it was too hard on my joints I’d ask for evidence, such as articles or medical research papers to back up their theory. I’d also research it myself but I wouldn’t just take their word for it without any evidence. Just look at the Chinese belief that a woman must rest after giving birth. Where is the evidence that it’s helpful?

  • Googleisblocked

    As a Chinese from mainland China, I am oblidged to deliver my appreciation towards you, Rich Doctor, I am truely ammused, it was indeed a previlige.

  • hess

    I really hope you fall in love with someone, and when he/she takes you to his/her parents home the father looks at you in disgust and says something along the line of “my daughter/son aint gonna marry no god damn *insert racial slur of whatever ethnicity you belong to*. And then you just shakes his hand, tells him you agree but he obviously raised his child wrong for even dating you. Also, I’m pretty sure you mean an Isreali, not an Iranian.

    • Realist

      Yes, I meant an Israeli.

      That would never happen to me, unless of course, a Chinese father was racist against his own race… then he’d have proven he’s insane. But in any case, I’m no cradle robber; the father raised her for 18 years and I just met her. If I can’t convince him, I’ve failed and should leave. She should never betray him for me, or anyone. For him to look at the face he raised for 18 years and be powerless as she betrays him, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I’d beat a man to death in an altercation before I stole his daughter cus the latter is just disgusting.

  • KamikaziPilot

    Okay if he saw the flaws earlier than you than this particular time he was right. So what? Doesn’t prove anything. He could very well be wrong the next time. As for you being a doctor, are you sure it wasn’t just a case of you accepting your fate? How do you know if you didn’t listen to your parents you would have regretted it? You don’t know because you’ve never taken that path. Your individual story isn’t the rule. I’m sure there are plenty of stories where kids tried to please their parents but ended up regretting it in the long run. The difference is that you place a much larger emphasis on family harmony and obedience than I do. If it works for you than good for you, I know it’ll never work for me though. Different values, different lives. I think the biggest problems arise when cultures clash, like when Asian immigrants come to western countries. Then their kids are conflicted and sometimes it doesn’t end well. Here’s an article about a Vietnamese immigrant to Canada and how the culture clash resulted in tragedy. I guess it just shows that each side thinks their way is better but what’s better really depends on the individual.

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2015/07/27/tragedy-of-golden-daughters-murder-plot-against-parents-resonates-with-asian-immigrant-children/

  • KamikaziPilot

    Well my parents can tell me who I can and cannot marry but that doesn’t mean I have to listen to them. Genetics have nothing to do with this. Culture has everything to do with this. If somebody wants to kill you just because you’re Chinese and another Chinese person did something bad to him, would that be justified? After all aren’t all Chinese considered the same person? One is guilty they’re all guilty right? Life is full of issues, I’d rather face them head on than run away from them and keep hatred alive. We aren’t living in 1930 you know. Just because your parents do something one way doesn’t mean you have to do the same. Do you think blacks and whites shouldn’t marry because of history?

  • Teacher in China

    You have a very rosy view of what most families act like in China; I’m sure it’s not always so well-reasoned and intellectual as you make it out to be, but fair enough I get your point. I also should clarify that my first response would not be “fuck off you bigot!” and then taking off immediately and cutting all ties; but if reason doesn’t work, you can bet my dad would get an earful from me because in no way could I suffer such a lack of respect.

    We have a saying in our culture: respect is a two-way street. If you want respect, you also have to give respect. This girl’s father is basically telling her that he doesn’t respect that she has the ability to choose someone appropriate to marry; he’s also telling her that the person she loves is basically a piece of shit, which also shows a complete lack of respect for her as a person, and a lack of respect for her future husband who very possibly just might be actually a good person since maybe not everyone from Japan is exactly the same. So what I’m saying is, given that his behaviour is so obnoxious, he would deserve it if she did just go off on him and storm out of his life completely.

    Anyway, interesting discussion. We clearly have two different views on family and life, but I think we can both agree that this is a fucked up situation for the family to be in. Hopefully it all works out ok for them in the end.

  • Teacher in China

    I’d LOL because no one has said “eat a sack of nuts” outside of a 1960’s Archie comic; didn’t realize there were actually people in the world who would unironically use such a phrase.

    I also “love” how in your twisted logic, society moving away from hanging black people will eventually lead to people being able to marry their dogs.

    As for all your other ad hominem attacks, I clearly struck a nerve somewhere – why so mad, bro? Some pent up anger from family issues?

    • 白色纯棉小裤裤

      I also “love” how in your twisted logic, society moving away from hanging black people will eventually lead to people being able to marry their dogs.

      Your grandparents would also think the logic that the society moved away from hanging black people would lead to people being able to marry a person of the same sex is insane.

      Interspecies marriage sounds ridiculous to you, but that’s just how your grandparents feel about gay marriage.

      • Teacher in China

        Interspecies marriage is ridiculous, and anyone who thinks that not hanging black people or allowing gay marriage will lead to it is retarded.

        • 白色纯棉小裤裤

          I know that you think Interspecies marriage is ridiculous, you don’t need to re-state that.

          My point is, you grandparents also think gay marriage is ridiculous and anyone who thinks that not hanging black people will lead to gay marriage is retarded. The fact that you think interspecies marriage is ridiculous doesn’t mean that its not going to happen. Your grand parents had the same opinion about gay marriage when they were young, but now we all see whats happening.

        • donscarletti

          I agree with pantieman, social mores are both progressive and cyclic. Either future society will be liberal in a way that will shock today’s liberals, or will snap back to a conservatism that will make today’s conservatives feel stifled.

          As the world changes, people born in that world change and their values change. Even if you agree with gay marriage, you are still a product of a time when it was forbidden, future generations won’t be from this time and will form a different set of values based on it. It is inevitable that they’re going to want it either expanded or curtailed, depending on their experiences. It is simply a repeated arrogance of each incumbent generation in history that leads them to believe that any social matter has been taken, or can be taken to a logical conclusion.

          There will come a day where our grandchildren will demand something that we today cannot fathom. Whether it is inter-species marriage or something entirely different, only time will tell.

          • Gerhana

            SJW would probably disagree with you since you mention a possibilities of future generation not agreeing with their current view. To SJW, their view is the best and will be universal and normal in the future :p

          • Teacher in China

            I agree with that. I just don’t like the Conservative knee jerk reaction of “The gays can marry?! What’s next, people marrying dogs?!” as if one is directly related to the other.

  • Teacher in China

    “you can be out of line; your parents are not”

    Do you honestly believe this? You are unbelievable. So if your parents insist that you marry a 55 year old, 400 pound woman who was the victim of a horrible attack that left her with reduced mental capabilities and the inability to think or talk properly because it’s good for the family (i.e., maybe she is rich), you would do it without question?

    “You marry someone ugly or diseased, that carries on to your son”

    So if your parents said the girl you wanted to marry was too ugly, and they wanted you to break up with her just for that reason, you would do it without question?

  • Teacher in China

    Ok, fair answer. You seem slightly more reasonable now ;)

  • Teacher in China

    If “eat a sack of nuts” is your idea of “hurling profanities”, you must have an exceedingly polite and naive family. If my kid hurled actual profanities at me, I obviously wouldn’t be happy about it if it was completely unprovoked, but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t raise the kind of kid that would do that. So the only other logical reason is that I’ve betrayed him so deeply and/or acted so inappropriately (i.e., maybe called his girlfriend a stupid Jap slut or something) that I probably deserved it. Being old does not automatically equal being right, and I think that’s where you and I have a major difference; one that I think we won’t resolve in some never-ending internet message board conversation. Good day, sir.

  • Neobooper

    sure, re ass lit

    • Necrogodomega

      I’m not entirely sure Realist is a real person. He’s comments are so asinie and baiting they can’t be for real.

      Also, he (she?) mentioned keeping his family “pure Chinese”. Yeah, that’s a fair bit racist there bub.

      Also, I’ve lived in China for over a decade. The modern youth are not nearly the blind puppets you are implying. Most of them in large cities do what they feel is best (within reason). In T2 cities (like Ningbo) you do find that many parents totally control their children, but their children hate it and develop a deep hatred of their parents in the process.

      Look, you can think whatever you want. But, luckily, the world no longer agrees with you. Intercultural marriage is on the raise. Racist are being put on the spot as they should be. Or planet is heading towards destruction unless we one day get our shit together and work together as Humans to make a better world. Instead of just better ways to kill each other.

      • mwanafa

        That’s exactly what I observed, this all filial piety thing is a big illusion. It happens, but not on the grand scale, at the end of the day most of these children don’t care what their parents thinks, and throwing insults to parents and parents insulting their kids is as common. There is a big difference between what should be done and what is being done.
        A friend of mine was asking for volunteers to go to see those elders in a nursing home, at first most of the foreigners were surprised that there are nursing homes for elders in China. When we were there, most of those elders in their 70+ were telling us how they miss their children, some of them didn’t even see them for years.And most of their kids were doing ok, living a good life in the cities but they don’t care about them. There was a story in Wuhan, in which an older woman( I don’t remember how old she was) who was renting her apartment for free, just to have someone to have conservation with, her kids don’t care about her. Go figure.

        • KamikaziPilot

          Interesting observation from someone who actually sees firsthand what’s going on. I’ve heard stories like what you’re saying before so I’m not all that surprised. Seems like a lot of this filial piety is just a concept that isn’t practiced as much as some would believe. Kind of like how divorce is becoming more common. I still believe that obedience to parents and parental involvement is stronger in China than Western countries but that gap is probably getting narrower. I wonder if there are certain areas like rural where this filial piety is stronger than other areas?

          • mwanafa

            I believe there are some areas where it’s stronger than others, but I haven’t put much effort to figure out where exactly, someone who understand better might give us some more insight.

  • KamikaziPilot

    Here’s my approach to parental advice. I listen to them, I take their advice into consideration, then I do my own research because I realize that despite them being older than I am, there still are a lot of things I know about that they don’t, and vice versa. Even more importantly I take into account our different values. Being my parents are about 30 years older than me and grew up in a different time, I’m sure we don’t share all the same values in life. Ex. they may think being a doctor and making a lot of money is a great life, while I think being an artist and enjoying what I do despite making a lot less money is what makes me happy. Now if you say you share all the same values as your parents then you’re advice to always follow your parents advice would be more valid but I realize I’m not my parents, I’m an individual, with my own goals and values. Just like my father likes to go to karaoke and sushi, while I hate it.

    As far as marriage, same thing. I’ll listen to their advice about individual characteristics (ex. temperament) about any potential wife but if they ever bring up things like race I won’t listen at all. I know their reasoning is that bringing in someone of a different race may affect “family harmony” or there may be cultural clashes, but if people judge someone else based on their race, I don’t want to associate with them anyways, even if they are family. To me excluding someone because of race is the same as physically attacking someone because of their race. It’s the same concept.

  • KamikaziPilot

    If you really think there’s nothing wrong with judging someone because of their race without even knowing anything about them as an individual then there’s really nothing to argue about. I’ll just say I totally disagree and think it’s wrong. And if everyone believes that it just fosters conflict, not peace. Reason being is that like it or not, we all have to live in this world together, and the world is getting smaller all the time. In the future there will be more and more intercultural relationships so we might as well try to bridge differences instead of clinging to old ideas of who can love who. Listen to my parents and obey them unconditionally? Yes it’s simpler but so is never taking risks and living a boring, dull life. I’d rather be my own person with my own values instead of someone else (parents) deciding what’s best for me my whole life. If it doesn’t work out and I’m unhappy, so be it, at least I know I’m the one who chose my path, not someone else.

  • mwanafa

    I think I’ll add just this one thing, the kids in China and their parents have the worst conversation/arguments like everywhere. My classmate used to tell me stories like her cousin’s mother would call his son “婊子养的“ meaning “Son of a bitch”, and the the son would also call her “婊子“ meaning “bitch”. And he told me it was common in their society. So may be it’s just their cirlce not allthe people in China does that, but if you put it that way then that’s just about the same everywhere.

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