From Tianya, “Share your heart’s darkest secrets…do you have the courage?”:
At the time, I had not yet begun elementary school, and I lived at my grandfather’s home. At the front of the house were two potted plants, and either my uncle or someone told me you can put the eyes of a dragonfly underneath them and change them into pearls. So I squatted on the road and used a brick to smash a red dragonfly I had caught to pieces, but was not able to get its eyes off. Around the same time, I also buried an unknown dog that had somehow fell to death at my grandfather’s front door, which could be considered a good thing, but I am always thinking about that dragonfly.
Also, when I was a little bigger, I saw a fish in a pond that was swimming very slowly because it was about to lay eggs, caught it, and killed it. The fish’s belly was full of egg. That fish was truly helpless when trying to avoid me!
I have also cursed a person to die before, and that person died within 3 days from a heart attack. Later, I dreamed about him several times.
There were several girls who candidly told me that they had encountered sexual predators when they were small, and asked me [if I have], and I always say I have not but actually I have also encountered before. The darkest secret of course cannot be said, otherwise it would not be called darkest, right?
Of course, I have encountered many extremely bad people, but even more are those who cannot let go of the things they did when they were not mature.
Male, selfish, cold, no advancing, petty/stingy.
In reality, I do not really know how to get along with females. Also, do not really have people skills.
All my one night stands were found through the internet. At first, I kept count, but after 30, I stopped remembering. I have had a “4P” [sex with four people] before, and have taken sex pictures.
Amongst these have been those that liked me. Afraid of inconvenience, I am not willing to marry, and am very clear about it, but I still feel bad when breaking up
I am disillusioned with love, and now want to find someone to marry but am afraid of being deceived, not willing to give, yet still pretend to be deeply in love.
1. When I was young, I was molested by my male cousin. One time when I was having my afternoon nap, he took off my underwear and rubbed me. Actually, I had awaken, but I did not make any noise. Another time there was a banquet, and there were so many people that there was nowhere to sleep. In the middle of the night, I felt a hairy thing that scared me awake, and only then did I find out that my damn cousin had come to sleep on our bed.
2. I have also taken off my clothes with various sisters, brothers, nephews, and nieces and touched each other (seeing that there are many people who have done this before above, I feel much less guilty).
3. My last boyfriend and I reached third base. At that time, it was the first time I encountering a mature man’s “thing.” Very curious, I ducked my head under the blankets to take a look. Because we were both “CNCN” [处女处男, “chu nv chu nan”, virgins], so we did not know to continue. However, later, I was dumped. Now I want to erase that person’s memory, and killing him would be even better, because I am so afraid that he thinks I was going to give him KJ [口交, “kou jiao”, blowjob].
4. I have been with my current boyfriend almost four years, and again it was because of curiosity that my first time was given to him. I really regret it. With him, I have never had any desire, and to this day, ever time we ML it is very miserable. Maybe it is because his ability is not good, but because he is very good to me, I cannot be so heartless to break up with him because of this. My entire life, the only time I have ever felt desire was that one time with my previous boyfriend. Perhaps my entire life I will not have sexual happiness.
When I was small, I was sexually abused by elders.
Aside from the very last thing [intercourse],
everything else I have done.
Now, I am very insecure, afraid to date/fall in love with others,
do not want to marry, want to be alone.
If it were possible, I want to find a “GAY” to marry. However, so far, I have not encountered any “GAY.”
In university, there was a class called Marx Philosophy that I never attended or turned in homework once. After the last class, I wanted to turn in the homework I was supposed to do, and chased the teacher out the door to say: “I am your student, have skipped class before, and there were some homework that I did not submit. The teacher paused for a moment, looked at the homework and said to me, “oh, so you are **, you are very strong, very violent [very daring], having never attended once, right?” I pretended to be confused, saying, “no, that is not true, the last few times I have all came!” The teacher said: “**! (there were bad words, but I left them out to protect the teacher’s image) I teach electromagnetic fields of electromagnetic waves!!”
It turned out I had saw the wrong teacher when running out to chase him down.
Sigh, this has been my heart’s pain…
In primary school, an old man I knew touched the my lower body.
From childhood until high school, my own father molested me (did not have intercourse). As a child, I did not understand to be ashamed, but after high school I began to feel very disgraced. I did not have the courage to tell my mother, and now I am very cold to him. Every time my mother blames me for not being good to him, I get furious, but I cannot explain. When he gets old, I will just send him to an old person’s home. Money I can give him, but I absolutely will not take care of him. I have fantasized many times of denouncing him as a beast in front of my mother.
I have had an abortion twice for my first boyfriend, and almost could not graduate.
Married for seven years, my husband is crude and cold, my heart is desolate.
At the start of the fifth year after marriage, I had an extra-marital affair, thinking I had met true love. Later I discovered he was a playboy, and we drifted for a year until finally breaking up. I loathe him each time we occasionally see each other due to work.
Now I have a distant boyfriend, exceptionally considerate and gentle, very warm, so my heart has temporarily been calmed.
PS: In my colleagues’ eyes, I am an open an bright, amicable woman.
Parents with daughters, perverted/deviant men are too many, take good care of your own babies.
Sometimes I feel there are too many secrets weighing me down that I want to go crazy, but most of the time I encourage myself to continue on, using a smiling face to welcome every day’s sunrise.
When I was small, I once discovered that my mother had an affair. My mother also knew that I had discovered it. I did not tell my father, and afterward for a very long time I did not want to speak to my mother. I know at the time I had discovered it, my mother no longer had contact with that person ever again. Now 10+ years have passed and I have long ago forgiven my mother, and my parents are very good now. But discovering this has continuously been my heartache, concealed for so many years in my heart. Starting from that moment, I think my personality became introverted, and I am always thinking too much!! When I was small, I was like a tomboy, very extroverted!!
I have said in my heart many times now, mother, I really do not blame you anymore!!
Starting when I was 11-years-old, I really liked sex, once gang-raping a 10-year-old little girl with a 14-year-old neighbor, and it really went in. After this happened, I was very scared, and just hearing police sirens would scare me to death, afraid the police were coming to arrest me. After growing up, I ran into that girl, and upon seeing me, her face was red like cloth. I also felt extremely guilty, and after looking at each other for a moment, I hastily walked off. I very much regret what happened.
1: I am a “LES” [lesbian], but do not dare tell my parents, and what more, slightly like older women.
2: A moment of indiscretion led to my grandmother’s illness and death, and I have always felt very guilty, especially when seeing my mother be hurt for so long because of this. I am so sorry to my grandmother, my mother, my uncle, and my cousin. I always feel that I do not have the face to go face them. Every time I think of this, I want to cry.
3: I have secretly read another person’s diary before, and secretly look at the text messages of the person I like, to determine my place in her heart. Very despicable behavior.
4: I have fantasized being tied up by the person I like, and be strongly kissed.
5: I have played with someone else’s emotions. I clearly did not like her, but pretended to like.
6: I am very mean to a friend who has fallen in love with me, and it appears that some things that happened between us led to some problems in her heart…
7: I have thought of opening a gambling house, becoming an assassin killing detestable people.
8: After studying some Buddhism, I clearly warned myself to never eat meat or kill animals, but upon returning home I still eat a fish and meat. Even though I know fish eggs can become so many lives, I still eat a lot of them. It makes me feel shameless.
1 and 2 are the most serious, having wronged my parents and grandmother, hoping one day they can forgive me.
Note: Many of the these usernames are the same because people are using a public/shared account to post their secrets so no one knows their normal Tianya username.
To be continued…
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