From Tianya, “Share your heart’s darkest secrets…do you have the courage?”:
走过留香: [she is the “LZ” or topic starter]
Be brave, even when facing strangers… [she is talking about sharing secrets with strangers]
Let me first share. When I was in primary school third grade, I had an especially amicable friend whose family ran a store. We played together every day, and by chance I discovered where her family keeps their money. I stole their family’s money, several times, until one day the place where they kept their money had a piece of people that was filled with the word “偷” [steal/thief]…to this day, we are still the best of friends, and I very much appreciate that she did not tell my schoolmates and friends about this matter. However, this matter has become my biggest disease of my hear. After over ten years have gone by, I have already become a mother, but this matter is still the most painful scar within my heart. To say I was small at that time is not an excuse. Now, I try hard to compensate, but I still cannot eliminate the feeling that I am that kind of low-level person in front of her family members. This matter I have not even told my husband and today is the first time I have said it out, the first time I have faced it…
When I was young, I encountered a supernatural incident, but no one believes me.
That time, I came across it with my younger brother, and we were fled in terror.
Nowadays, my young brother has basically forgotten it all, and only I remember it the most clearly, but still no one believes me.
When I was a child, someone asked me to go out and play, and as I was running out, my foot slipped and I almost fell. I turned around to see what caused me to slip, and it was a little chicken my family was raising. There was a long bloodstain, about 4cm wide.
I picked it up and saw that the stomach had burst but it was still alive. However, at the time, I was in a rush to go out to play, so I just threw it in a trash can and went out to play.
It has been at least 20 years now, but every time I think of it, I have an extremely strong feeling of guilt.
Everyone go ahead and BS [鄙视, bi shi, “despise”] me.
I am gay…
But I do not have the courage to tell my parents. I really want to tell them…
Ever since elementary school up to high school, I have been continually sexually harassed by my uncle [husband of mother’s sister], but I do not dare tell anyone in my family, afraid the entire family would collapse. He is normally very polite to people, so it is impossible to tell that he is actually such a beastly person, frightening!!
At the time, I was in the canteen/cafeteria getting food,
and the husband of a girl in our department cut in line in front of me.
So, I deliberately went to get a needle,
found that girl to have a talk, and while she was going to the WC [restroom],
I rummaged through her purse~~
and poked many holes in the condoms that were inside~
1. When I was in high school, our class had a group secretary (me), an organizing committee member, and some other member. Together, we were supposed to be the “outstanding” group. Every time the vote chose me [for recognition/honors], but I would never give the other two anything. Amongst us, one classmate other than writing announcements on the blackboard for three years, he never got a single benefit. — I always feel I value glory too much. I hope one day I can apologize to him directly.
2. One night after studying in the third year of high school, my boyfriend and I went for a stroll. After separating, I ran into the head teacher (at the time, there were already not that many people). I was afraid he would suspect [me], so I “voluntarily” changed the subject to my best friend, saying she recently like to study alone and seems distracted. (even though I later think it was very probable that the head teacher already knew). — If this could happen again, I would rather have not said a word.
— The above two I have told my boyfriend before.
3. In university I went to a tutoring student’s home. At the time, I was no longer teaching that child, but I felt her father was a good person. After returning to school from winter vacation, her father called me inviting me to go play. At the time, my brain was too simple and thought that it was very normal to meet elders during the first month of the new lunar year. But then, he actually wanted me to be his lover. At the time, I was scared out of my wits. Afterward, I rushed to get away. After getting back to school, I called my boyfriend (we are living in two different places). He later said he was in the library trying to find some place to take my call, but anyway I blamed him for not caring about me, he probably blamed me for not giving him a chance to explain, and so he then ignored me. Then, no matter how I called him, he would ignore me.
Exceptionally scared, especially with no one to turn to. I do not know how I made it through that time. Even when I recall it now, it still feels like a nightmare.
— This one thing I only told my sister once. She said I should have immediately left the moment I realized there was something peculiar with what that child’s father was saying. I said I did not think of so much [at the time].
When I was a child, I stole 20 RMB from my grandfather [maternal], and I feel I exceptionally wronged him. I feel exceptionally, exceptionally guilty. My grandfather does not really have a lot of money. At that time, 20 RMB is like 200 RMB today. “Lei” [tears/teardrop].
I am bisexual, and I like my best friend. I once had a dream where I kissed her. When I was small, I was sexually assaulted by the “uncle” next door, as well as once on the streets when walking home. Thinking of all of these things, I cannot even cry if I wanted to.
I did something bad and was discovered by a classmate who reported me. The teacher lectured me and I could only cry but not explain [why I did it]. I now feel I was really shameless when I was in elementary school, not afraid to do something but afraid to admit to it. I would eat other people’s food because I was too hungry and because that food was so delicious.
There is also an even darker thing that I will remember for the rest of my life, something my family also knows but considers as something that I did because I was really small and did not know any better…nevermind, I will not share it.
Note: Some of the these usernames are the same because people are using a public/shared account to post their secrets so no one knows their normal Tianya username.
To be continued…
See more Chinese People’s Secrets.