From Tianya, “Share your heart’s darkest secrets…do you have the courage?”:
In front of everyone, I pretend to be very simple. I even let my best friends think I am so simple that I am completely ignorant. In reality, I am not simple at all in my heart. Even a little evil!
First let me say that I am a girl, but I like children, and especially like playing with little boys! I have succeeded many times, and was scared and nervous!!
When I was small (before school age), I once played sexual games with a neighbor’s child, the kind where we took off our clothes and just randomly touched each other. I tremble just thinking about it…and even more frightening is that last year he suddenly asked me if I still remember, and I could only pretend to be stupid and say I forgot it all, and be disgusted for so many days…
In elementary school, I used to steal the pretty erasers and pencils from classmates because I did not have money…
I have never had a sexual climax, every time was faked.
My mother treats me very well, truly very well, but I just cannot feel love for her.
Others all think I am gentle and pure, but in reality I am not at all.
I really like to play hard to get with boys, but in reality I do not like them one bit, and feel they are very disgusting and annoying, but I like to drag them along.
I do not know if this is inherited, my father divorced my mother when I was in junior high. He was very promiscuous/unfaithful, changing one girlfriend after another.
Although I am about to be 25-years-old, I have not yet had a boyfriend, but I definitely enjoy playing them in circles.
Actually, I know I am very insecure, I do not know how to get along with people I like. At first there is nothing we cannot talk about, but once I start to like him (her), I lose confidence in myself, and feel that they will leave me, and the relationship between the two of us will become very worrisome.
I think I will probably be single for the rest of my life. but actually this is no big deal. I hope I can make a lot of money in the future, and live a comfortable life by myself.
When I was small, my grandmother [paternal] was not good to both my mother and I.
So when she left [died], I did not shed a single tear. Watching my father, mother, uncle [paternal], and aunts [paternal] all crying so painfully, I surprisingly snickered a little…
Many times, I really dislike my mother, extremely so. But at the same time I also feel she is really pitiful.
The reason I dislike her is because her temper is too bad, always thinking she is right, and is unwilling to listen to reason. But as I have discovered that as I get older, I am becoming more and more like her. Now I do not know if I dislike her or if I dislike myself.
When I was at home during summer break in junior high, the son of a Sichuan auntie neighbor downstairs was not yet 1-years-old, could not yet speak, and was especially fun to play with.
On morning, several neighbor kids and I together asked the auntie to let us carry her child home for us to play with. Auntie agreed.
We carried that child back to my house, and took turns holding and playing with him. When he became my turn to hold it, I sat on the sofa, and carried the baby in my hands. Suddenly, the kid’s head tilted back and I was unable to hold his body in time, so the child’s head hit the ground!
The child immediately began crying loudly, I picked him up in a panic, and fortunately he was not bleeding on his head. The child would not stop crying loudly, and no matter how we tried to calm him, he would not stop crying.
The sounds of the crying alarmed the auntie downstairs, and auntie asked loudly from downstairs: What happened? Why is the child crying so terribly?
I and several other children were all a little at a loss, and at once yelled lies back: “Nothing! He just peed! (he did indeed pee in his pants before)
After auntie heard this, she at once yelled for us to bring the child down.
After that, I continuously wondered, did the child become retarded after hitting his head??? Because he could not yet speak, it could not be known. But who would know later when he grows up?
Not long later, that auntie’s entire family moved back to Sichuan, and my family also moved to a new house, and we never saw each other again.
Over 20 years have passed, and I often think: that child has grown up by now, has he become an idiot? If he really became stupid after being dropped, would not that auntie be in so much pain? And I would be that one person who was most responsible!
This thing has been continuously buried at the bottom of my heart. I have never dared to tell anyone before.
My boyfriend is unfaithful to me, so I vow that I will definitely marry him, and make him wear a green hat [be a cuckold] for the rest of his life.
We will be getting our marriage license in May this year.
When I was small, I was sexually harassed by my stepfather.
At that time, I was in fourth or fifth grade, and my breasts had begun developing a little.
During summer vacation, I went to my mother’s place to spend the holiday.
He was always touching me, lifting up my clothes and sucking on my nipples.
He would also often stick his finger into my private place when I was sleeping and jerk it around. It hurt and was uncomfortable.
But throughout my memories, he never raped me.
I was scared, and did not dare to tell my mom.
Later after starting junior high, I resisted. The moment he touched me, I yelled at him, threatening him that I would tell other people, and he never touched me again.
10 years have passed since this matter, and I have been continuously distressed with whether or not I am still a virgin.
And I also especially hate him. My mother also kept yelling at me, saying I treated him badly, saying that he treats me very well.
But even as I cried and said I hate him, I could not speak out what he had done to me.
I think my mother still thinks the reason I hate him is because he caused my parents’ divorce.
Now I also have my husband and the first time we did it, I discovered that I was still a virgin.
It was very painful and I bled a lot, but the stress/pressure in my heart did indeed lessen a lot.
But I still hate him [the stepfather], and also am still very wary of men. Of course, except for my husband.
Another thing [secret] is that I hate my mother.
She betrayed my father, found such a piece of trash, who even wanted to violate me.
Ever since I was small and as I grew up, she never looked after me, always throwing me to my [maternal] grandmother’s house and would not come to visit for long periods of time.
Later, they [mother and stepfather] had their own son, and she cared even less about me.
All of my life’s biggest decisions were figured out by me, she never once cared.
When I had fevers and got sick, my grandmother [maternal] would ask her to come, and she would avoid me, afraid I would infect her.
I hate her, but now…
I am still afraid of affecting her family and thus suffer in silence, and she still yells at me for not having a conscience/being sympathetic.
As a mother who never cared for me from the beginning, how can you expect me to be affectionate to you now?
This is my suffering, I cannot share.
I can only bear it alone.
No matter how close the friend is, none of them know. They all think I have a happy, whole family.
So while I am cheerful and lively in front of people, I am always very depressed when I am alone.
There were many times I wanted to commit suicide,
but I was always afraid of worrying my [maternal] grandmother, so I constantly and painstakingly tempered myself,
taking my introverted personality and changing it to be very extroverted and humorous.
But when I am alone, my mood is still very low and depressed…
and I cannot stop crying.
Right now my problem is that I cry too much, and I easily lose control and start crying.
I still think I need to go see a psychiatrist.
Note: All of the these usernames are the same because people are using a public/shared account to post their secrets so no one knows their normal Tianya username.
To be continued…
See more Chinese People’s Secrets.