More translated secrets of Chinese people…
From Tianya, “Share your heart’s darkest secrets…do you have the courage?”:
When I was small, I never lacked money, but for some reason at the time I liked to steal money from my house. The craziest was when I stole money from my mother’s purse almost daily. Later, when I discovered where she put her money, I would steal money directly from there. This went on for a very long time, and I thought she never knew, but she later told me that she knew.
I am very thankful she did not lose hope in me at that time, or blame me, and her reaction instead made me feel guilty.
Nowadays, I have never again taken money from my family, and instead have given money to my family. Other than my mother, I have never spoken about what happened in the past.
I worked in a forensic medicine department. One time, there was a girlfriend who was curious and wanted a tour of our place, so I took her there at night, and later QJed her on the autopsy table. Finally, I killed her and soaked her body in the corpse soaking tub. Every time, I secretly take out a piece of her to throw away. I have even SYed once to her incomplete corpse.
It is very difficult to talk about my secret. I used to have constipation, and it developed to the point where I would have to use my hand to pick it out. Yet, it was not the very serious type, because if I did not do anything, it would still come out about once every three days. However, I cannot endure the feeling of my belly having a lot of things. Right now, I defecate about twice a day, sometimes 3-4 times. After reading this much [secrets], I think I am the most BT.
I was sexually molested before when I was young by my neighbor’s older brother. After growing up, I one day suddenly thought of this. At that time, he had already gotten married, and whenever I saw him, I would remember. I think he would also definitely remember. Therefore, I am very scared of seeing him. However, he is normally a very good guy, and also very honest (it is true honesty, not faked), so I really do not understand how he could have done such a thing at that time.
Later, I secretly hoped in my heart that he would die, but I never expected him to really die not long later. I cried for a very long time. I did not think that it would really come true. Later, this became my secret. I have always believed it was I who killed him, and whenever I see his parents I still feel very guilty. Fortunately, they still have a child, otherwise I would really blame myself to death.
This has been buried in my heart for 7 years, and speaking out makes me feel much better.
My double eyelids are fake, but I have never admitted to it to save face.
When I was in high school, I went behind my current boyfriend’s back and kissed with my classmate, and he also tried touching me, but I prevented that.
When I was small, I used to be very curious about sex, so my older sister and I took off our clothes and tried it~~~the feeling was a blanket/quilt that stank of piss. (I am a female)
I am outside of the country [outside of China] and my first time was with a foreign boy, and he is not my boyfriend. At that time, I was slightly depressed, appearing cheerful and open on the surface, but really lonely in my heart… I remember that my first time was when I was celebrating my 21st birthday. He carried a cake to my home door. 21 is a very important birthday in the West, and for him to remember, I was a little moved… Afterward, we maintained sexual relations for over a year, but he is a very good person. Later when I found a boyfriend, I stopped talking to him…
But later on, every time I dated boys, as long as I felt the feeling was pretty good and there was a chance of developing further, I would have [sexual] relations with them…because I feel that if two people’s sex is not harmonious then there could not be much development in the future. However, this kind of behavior apparently is a little too casual in foreigners’ eyes, especially since I have not yet established a clear relationship with the other party yet…but I have actually discovered two guys to be not good enough after going to bed with them, so might as well not continue with them…
Other people all think I do not have a boyfriend, but I have on and off had these relations I am not very willing to share…I still hope for a true love, but it always appears that I will not have this kind of luck. Is occasionally having this kind of “sex friend” very immoral???
I am not a good person, not willing to speak the truth, but also not willing to lie, so I often ignore people, but I still have friends who are good to me. However, to me, they are like a heavy burden. I do not want her to be good to me, but with her being so kind-hearted, I feel a forced feeling. Every year, she will give me gifts, and every time I will feel pressure and want to kill myself. I do not know what qualifications I have to bear this kind of clean friendship. I feel I am a filthy person. I am a disease, and am a very ugly person, and am an impulsive person, and am an immodest person. Actually, I am a very introverted person, and do not like lively environments one bit. I do not like a big group of friends. My possessiveness is to the point where I do not dare associate with friends, nor associate with anyone. If anyone has relations with me, she/he will definitely be suffocated by me.
I hope everyone will all desert me. I hope my suicide will be successful. I even hope I have a traffic accident, so I can die quickly. I do not want to continue living in this world one bit. I am very tired, very tired. I long for God to kindly take me back. I would be eternally thankful. Let me die.
The dorm leader/boss would say bad things about me behind my back, and would attack me with insinuations in front of me. So for three continuous days, before lunch and dinner, I would take his spoon to the bathroom and rinse it with urine before returning it. Then I would go with him to get food, come back, and watch him eat…
- My first boyfriend stole my money so his outside woman could get an abortion. Of course, later he also got his just deserts, and I had also thoroughly given up on him. Those who know of this matter do not dare to speak of it in front of me. I never thought I too would have my foolish moments.
- I have been hurt by a guy I really loved before, so I no longer trust men. For a very long time, I would spend time with fair-weather friends [friends you play with only] to get drunk and do K [“king-fen” or ketamine, a drug]. I also lost my job, and even spent a full year with a guy who came out of prison. For him, I had an abortion. At the time, my family did not know what I was doing all day, and was very disappointed in me. Now when I think of it, I feel that I was really stupid at the time, and did them wrong.
- When I was with the prisoner, I was even a drug dealer’s lover, and a black society’s big brother’s lover. Other than a very dependable good friend, no one knows about this.
- I have had several one night stands, very stimulating but I did not climax/orgasm.
- Later, I suddenly woke up, broke off contact with that group of people, my life also got better, and later I found my current husband. My husband knows that I used to be very fond of playing, but does not know I had played so excessively. Watching him trying hard to make money to raise our family, I feel like I have wronged him. However, I also know that only by covering up everything will he not be heartbroken about me having been like that.
Finally, I want to say again: I am sorry, dad and mom. I am sorry, my husband.
For the past few years, I lived in half of a big house (two houses, one living room). The other half of the apartment was one room and one living room, rented by a Canadian-nationality Macau person. The two halves only had their own doors, but the lock was like those in hotels that can be opened with a hard card.
During the time of SARS, that Canadian was scared and went back to his country, and I stayed in Beijing bored. Maybe because I had seen too many European art films, I always think of doing some strange, outside of the norm things, until one day, I used my national identification card to pry open the other person’s door, went in, walked around, saw on his wall a picture of him with his children, and then suddenly had a strange idea…
I took his picture home, scanned it, used PS [Photoshop] to erase his son from the picture, printed a new photo on the same kind of photograph paper, then returned to my neighbor’s home, and stuck it back in the original place. After a few days, my neighbor returned. When he sees that flawless picture, what kind of thoughts will he have? Why did his son disappear?…
Note: Many of the these usernames are the same because people are using a public/shared account to post their secrets so no one knows their normal Tianya username.
To be continued…
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