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Men vs. Women, Money and Polygamy

TV show The Deer and the Cauldron

When a woman says she has no clothes to wear, she means she has no “new” clothes to wear; when a man says he has no clothes to wear, he means he has no “clean” clothes to wear…

a woman's wardrobe

One guy’s unique signature [online status message]: “The strongest voice from the Chinese men: Today is March 8th Women’s Day and today I won’t watch AV [Adult Videos, particularly Japanese porn movies], to give the girls in my hard drive a day off.”

Japanese porn star Kana Tsugihara

My husband had drank too much. I asked him what he would do when he gets rich in the future. He said he would marry five women. I asked why not marry seven women like Wei Xiaobao [the main character in the Chinese novel The Deer and the Cauldron]?” He said, “Too tired. I need to rest on the weekend.”

TV show The Deer and the Cauldron

“Both of my marriages failed, my first wife left.” “What about the second one?” “She doesn’t want to leave…”

Xuanzang from the movie The Chinese Odyssey

“Last year we had a Zoology field trip and went to the zoo. The teacher said: “Look, mandarin ducks!” A brother [guy] sighed: “Envy only the pair of mandarin ducks, envy not the gods” [a Chinese proverb suggesting that love is more valuable than immortality].” The teacher said very professionally: “Actually, mandarin ducks are polygamous. They change partners each year.” That brother responded without skipping a beat, “That’s exactly what I envy them for…”

Male and female Mandarin Ducks.
Male and female Mandarin Ducks from Shutterstock.

Brother [referring to self] suddenly understood: Actually our country does not practice monogamy, but rather a “One House, One Wife” policy: To be houseless is to be wifeless, while having multiple houses means multiple wives. In the past I had always failed to understand why wives were called da fang [Big House] and er fang [Second House], but today I finally understand, the people of the past do not lie…

Er'nai (aka second wife) Village in Shenzhen
Er’nai (aka Second Wife) Village in Shenzhen

A “goddess” [slang for the dream girls of guys who are poor or think they are poor] posted on her microblog: “When going out, don’t always let the guy pay the bill. Don’t you know that parents all “raise the son in poverty and raise the daughter in prosperity” [a saying that means sons should be given less financial support so they grow up to be independent, while daughters should be pampered so they won’t give their hearts away simply because guys buy them gifts], so how can they have more pocket money than we do? They are all slapping their faces to make them swell as if they were fat people [Chinese proverb meaning to do something beyond one’s means in order to impress others], treating you out to a meal just once means they’ll have to forget about eating meat for a month.” The next day, the “goddess” blocked all the guys who forwarded this microblog post.

pretty woman on the bed

Today at the school library I came across a MM, her appearance average. After reading and studying for a long time, she put her head down to doze on the desk. Then she forced herself to sit up and took out a mirror she carried with her. I saw her stare at the mirror for a long time and then say: “Look at you! Not pretty and still you don’t study hard!! What are you going to do in the future!!” After saying this, she once again vigorously began studying.

Plain looking girl.

To all the guys out there, no matter how NB the photography equipment you have in hand, the most important thing is to make your girlfriend look good in the photos. If her nose is flat, don’t take photos of her profile; if her face is big, don’t take photos of her from a lower angle; if she doesn’t know how to pose or is shy, then you should not take your sweet time calling out “1, 2, 3” before pressing the shutter button only to photograph her stiff smile. Figuring these things out is 100 times more important than figuring out exposure and white balance! Who cares if can you take beautiful photos of Yellow Mountain? It’s not like Yellow Mountain will ever marry you!

Yellow Mountain
Yellow Mountain

There’s a couple, who worked really hard, then bought an ocean view villa. In order to pay the mortgage, they are under great pressure every day, leaving early in the morning for work and coming home late. And then, the thing their housekeeper does most every day is hold their dog on the balcony, watching the ocean and drinking coffee…

An ocean view villa in Hainan

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Written by Rensi

A translator of trending Chinese Internet humor and Chinese pop music.

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