Men vs. Women, Money and Polygamy

TV show The Deer and the Cauldron

When a woman says she has no clothes to wear, she means she has no “new” clothes to wear; when a man says he has no clothes to wear, he means he has no “clean” clothes to wear…

a woman's wardrobe

One guy’s unique signature [online status message]: “The strongest voice from the Chinese men: Today is March 8th Women’s Day and today I won’t watch AV [Adult Videos, particularly Japanese porn movies], to give the girls in my hard drive a day off.”

Japanese porn star Kana Tsugihara

My husband had drank too much. I asked him what he would do when he gets rich in the future. He said he would marry five women. I asked why not marry seven women like Wei Xiaobao [the main character in the Chinese novel The Deer and the Cauldron]?” He said, “Too tired. I need to rest on the weekend.”

TV show The Deer and the Cauldron

“Both of my marriages failed, my first wife left.” “What about the second one?” “She doesn’t want to leave…”

Xuanzang from the movie The Chinese Odyssey

“Last year we had a Zoology field trip and went to the zoo. The teacher said: “Look, mandarin ducks!” A brother [guy] sighed: “Envy only the pair of mandarin ducks, envy not the gods” [a Chinese proverb suggesting that love is more valuable than immortality].” The teacher said very professionally: “Actually, mandarin ducks are polygamous. They change partners each year.” That brother responded without skipping a beat, “That’s exactly what I envy them for…”

Male and female Mandarin Ducks.
Male and female Mandarin Ducks from Shutterstock.

Brother [referring to self] suddenly understood: Actually our country does not practice monogamy, but rather a “One House, One Wife” policy: To be houseless is to be wifeless, while having multiple houses means multiple wives. In the past I had always failed to understand why wives were called da fang [Big House] and er fang [Second House], but today I finally understand, the people of the past do not lie…

Er'nai (aka second wife) Village in Shenzhen
Er’nai (aka Second Wife) Village in Shenzhen

A “goddess” [slang for the dream girls of guys who are poor or think they are poor] posted on her microblog: “When going out, don’t always let the guy pay the bill. Don’t you know that parents all “raise the son in poverty and raise the daughter in prosperity” [a saying that means sons should be given less financial support so they grow up to be independent, while daughters should be pampered so they won’t give their hearts away simply because guys buy them gifts], so how can they have more pocket money than we do? They are all slapping their faces to make them swell as if they were fat people [Chinese proverb meaning to do something beyond one’s means in order to impress others], treating you out to a meal just once means they’ll have to forget about eating meat for a month.” The next day, the “goddess” blocked all the guys who forwarded this microblog post.

pretty woman on the bed

Today at the school library I came across a MM, her appearance average. After reading and studying for a long time, she put her head down to doze on the desk. Then she forced herself to sit up and took out a mirror she carried with her. I saw her stare at the mirror for a long time and then say: “Look at you! Not pretty and still you don’t study hard!! What are you going to do in the future!!” After saying this, she once again vigorously began studying.

Plain looking girl.

To all the guys out there, no matter how NB the photography equipment you have in hand, the most important thing is to make your girlfriend look good in the photos. If her nose is flat, don’t take photos of her profile; if her face is big, don’t take photos of her from a lower angle; if she doesn’t know how to pose or is shy, then you should not take your sweet time calling out “1, 2, 3” before pressing the shutter button only to photograph her stiff smile. Figuring these things out is 100 times more important than figuring out exposure and white balance! Who cares if can you take beautiful photos of Yellow Mountain? It’s not like Yellow Mountain will ever marry you!

Yellow Mountain
Yellow Mountain

There’s a couple, who worked really hard, then bought an ocean view villa. In order to pay the mortgage, they are under great pressure every day, leaving early in the morning for work and coming home late. And then, the thing their housekeeper does most every day is hold their dog on the balcony, watching the ocean and drinking coffee…

An ocean view villa in Hainan

READ  Elite Beijing 101 High School Holds Coming-of-Age Ceremony

Written by Rensi

A translator of trending Chinese Internet humor and Chinese pop music.

  • UpRising

    I’ve read better, but the first one is so true.

  • Barack Obama

    sofa. hehehe these are pretty funny

    • Barack Obama

      so close ><

  • eattot

    wish I can have a big and pretty change room too…
    many many pretty shoes and skirt…hahahahahaaha!

    • cc

      Soppy tart

  • jeffli

    and the moral of the stories are…… ????

    males – screw around as much as possible.

    females – spend (his money) and screw around as much as possible.

    If the baby is not his just insist the looks follow his great grandfather or something,
    interracial babies is another thing. – blame it on the stork or magic frog or something Taoistic or feng shui (south wind blew up the wrong way).

    • Mister X

      Interracial babies blame it on Chinese herbs !


  • El Puma R.

    blablabla and those bitches can’t respect themselves.

  • linette

    One House, One Wife” policy…………..

    hahha…that’s a good one. lol.

    • Middle Kingdum

      Yeah. That one was pretty clever.

    • 1 wife can have 5 husbands policy. I just solved China’s gender inbalance problem. Provided that non of the husbands come from foreign AIDS filled countries .Hear that CCP???

    • donscarletti

      One house one wife was law in Hong Kong until 1971. The British government proclaimed that they would enforce Qing law, minus the torture, and they did that for 100 years. It blows my mind too.

      Are polygamous marriages still recognised in HK? Anyone know?

  • Cleo

    You shouldn’t have a dog nor a maid then you won’t have to work so hard to pay the maintenance on your penthouse.

    • Barack Obama

    • Winter B4 Spring

    • mr. wiener


    • elizabeth

      Words of wisdom.

    • 404namenotfound


  • don

    “Both my marriages failed” -that’s a good one!

  • Yesway

    That last one is pretty funny. Don’t buy a house unless you have some opportunity to enjoy it.

  • wafflestomp

    I was waiting for the joke that called Chinese women whores

    Still waiting….

  • pokosan

    Funny and so true.

    T reminds me of my ex who is a chinese girl while im reading these things.

  • patko

    The last one is so good. Here is a similar story.

    The businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The businessman complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.

    The businessman then asked why he didn’t stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The businessman then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time? The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos; I have a full and busy life, señor.”

    The businessman scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and I could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats; eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor and eventually open your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City where you would run your expanding enterprise.”

    The Mexican fisherman asked, “But señor, how long will this all take?” To which the businessman replied, “15-20 years.” “But what then, señor?” The businessman laughed and said, “That’s the best part! When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions.” “Millions, señor? Then what?” The businessman said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

    The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, “Isn’t that what I’m doing right now?”

    -Author Unknown

    This story shows me that people run away from the present moment always seeking pleasure in the future. Doing things to be able to be free later in time. But life is not a race where one should run to the finish line instead (as Alan Watts says) its a dance and the point of a dance is not to move your body from a certain point A to a point B. A dance is where you celebrate the music with each passing note in the moment. Life is like a composition and you should dance rather then run to the final note.

    • jeffli

      This smells like one of those funny books from the US.

      I think write a book,join a goth band,mess your life up a little, screw Marilon Manson (or look alike), make a budget B horror movie.
      party hard dude! sweet!

    • Strangerland

      But there are big differences when you’re enjoying life as wealthy man versus enjoying life as dirtpoor guy. Like it or not, money talks. You can be dirtpoor guy who boasts about enjoying life like the fisherman, but when downturn economy comes or whatever shitty happenings in personal or large national scale happen, you would still suffer more than if you belong to the wealthy and powerful class. I personally think that all of such “money can’t buy happiness” talks are just created to pacify the lower strata of the classes. I think most people, if they’re honest, understand that- that’s why most struggle to social-climbing and would rather be “crying in a big house, with silk clothes and glittering jewelleries” than “laughing in bamboo hut, with no clothes or jewelleries”. You never know when those laughters would turn into tears. Like it or not, being that of higher social economy status gives you better chance at laughing in today’s world, compared to being that of lower class….

  • andywattbulb

    Ok…this shit has to stop. These jokes suck.

  • Jennster

    the second wife or > 2 wives is for qing dynasty emperors and their sons not for ordinary peasants. why are ordinary pig farmer chinese thinking they are lords in 2012. hilarious.