Mothers, Funny Children, Parenting, & Vengeance

Do you know how gross you are? When your mom felt your existence for the first time…she puked…

A son was spanked by the father, ran to his mother mother and complained, “What would you do if someone hit your son?” The mother said, “I’d hit his son for revenge!”

“Mom, my classmates say I’m flat-chested.” “Oh, you must have inherited that from your dad.”

Son: “Mom, if I got 100 points on the exam, what would you give me as a reward?” Mom: “10 RMB.” Son: “Okay, then first give me half, I got 50 points.”

My daughter had a fever, so my husband and I took her to the hospital. The doctor said, “A shot will help her get better faster.” Hearing that, my daughter began crying, but seeing the number of patients waiting behind us, my husband forcibly held her still. The 30-something male doctor then quickly gave her the shot. Our little girl took turns looking at her father and the doctor and said in tears, “There really are no good men in this world!”

One time I was driving, a 12-year-old girl called the radio requesting a song for her mother. “Auntie [a friendly way of addressing any unrelated woman older than oneself], I want to dedicate a song to my mom.” “Which song do you want to dedicate to your mom?” “I want to dedicate a song by Auntie Xin Xiaoqi [Winnie Hsin] called ‘Women Shouldn’t Be Hard on Women‘.”

Had an argument with my wife. She was very upset, and crying bitterly. I didn’t know what to do… but then our four-year-old daughter suddenly said something that cracked both of us up: “Mom, stop crying. It was you yourself that found this husband, so you have only yourself to blame.”

Today I visited a friend who has a little MM [girl] who cheerfully asked me, “Do you have a little kid in your house?” I lied, “Yes.” Then she tilted her head and asked, “Really? Is the kid in your home also from Taobao?” [Taobao is like China’s eBay.]

A little child asked a pregnant friend of his mother’s, “Auntie, what’s inside your belly?” “Ah, there is a little monster!” the friend joked. The child immediately gave her belly a whack: “Auntie, is it dead?”

When you have a son,

and you don’t raise him well,

you harm your own family.

When you have a daughter,

and you don’t raise her well,

you will harm someone else’s family.

So, if you have a grudge with someone–

it’s really simple–

just spoil your daughter rotten,

and then marry her to your enemy’s son,

and his whole family will be screwed.

Revenge accomplished.