Parents: Pay For Your Brother’s Wedding Or Be Disowned

more-littleredbook-125x125From littleredbook:

“Blackmailing your family… Confucian style.”

Chinese wedding.

From Tianya:

Younger brother is getting married, parents want me to provide 200,000 RMB, or they will disown me!

I wanted to post this a few days ago, but I was too busy to do that. I am on a business trip today, having some extra time, so come to write this.

My brother is getting married – found a girlfriend by himself. My parents are very happy, saying that he finally did something a right thing, which is finding such a good girlfriend. So, they really hope him get married ASAP. But my brother is extremely poor, and my parents only have 10,000 RMB, so they expect me to pay for the rest expense. Please note that it is pay for, not to lend.

Expense include:

1. Build a house for my brother in town. The land is readily available – my parents’ old house, located in between the town and rural area, also considered as shop front. They request that there should be three shop front rooms on the first floor, one living room and one bedroom with a bathroom on the second floor, one master bedroom and one bedroom on the third floor, each with a bathroom. In the back of the house, there should be one kitchen and one pigpen. According to the above construction, my parents’ anticipated expense is that 110,000 RMB for construction, 20,000RMB for decoration, totally 130,000RMB. Furniture and home appliances will be brought by the bride as marriage portion.

2. Betrothal gifts: 60,000 RMB.

3. Wedding expense: 20,000 RMB.

Totally 210,000 RMB – 10,000 from my parents, 200,000 from my side.

Building a house and betrothal gifts are the bride family’s requests, which is out of a long time bargaining. If we do not agree with it, the bride’s parents won’t marry off their daughter. Her parents were not very satisfied with my brother, and even rejected him at first. But the girl insisted, so they finally agreed. My parents are very satisfied with this girl, so they have to accept their request.

I did not agree with my parents to pay 200,000 RMB; I promised to spend 50,000RMB. But my husband did not agree that either – he asked me to provide 10,000RMB, and then lend 10,000 to my brother.

When I told my parents this, they got mad at me. My father even suffered from high blood pressure and went to the hospital. Parents told me seriously that if I provide the money, they would cast me off.

Comments from Tianya:


Your parents asked you to offer 200,000, then they must know you are able to do that. 200,000 means nothing to you.
Parents are not able to help their youngest son; they just hope you can do something as the oldest child. Moreover, this is your brother’s marriage for life. Just treat it as spending 200,000 on honoring your parents, please?


[Responding to above comment by 在这看小说]
Is it fair to the LZ‘s husband?
Do not raise a daughter as a money tree.
And disowning?
If they want to disown then disown!
When the parents do not treat their daughter as a daughter, why should the daughter still treat them as parents??
Don’t say that parents are people too, that children should not argue with parents. That kind of bullshit, is just blind loyalty and piety.


Lou zhu‘s parents are so shameless! Even able to make this kind of a request! If he is your son, raise him yourself, and only do what you have money for. On what grounds should you suck the daughter’s blood to feed the son?


You brother is also wrong. Without money, why is he getting married? Your sister-in-law is also inconsiderate. If you have no choice, then just give what you can give. After all, you are family anyway and it isn’t easy [at times].


I’m guessing that the lou zhu‘s herself isn’t able to give the 200,000 according to her income, so this 200,000 probably will probably have to come from the lou zhu‘s husband…


You can give an appropriate amount, but 200,000RMB is not appropriate. After all, it’s your brother’s own marriage. If he doesn’t find a way, what right does he have requesting his older sister to assume the burden? I am more in favor of what your husband said, but maybe you can give an additional 10,000, and the rest let him [the brother] figure it out.


I am wondering, these “big mouths” [other comments]who immediately open their months to say the older sister should give the money, are they all useless younger brothers of their own families???

[I’m] not saying the elder sister shouldn’t give, [because] as family, you must help when you should…but, having all of it provided by the sister, isn’t this out of line…especially when the brother is lazy and greedy and useless…is she supposed to support him his entire life???


To tell the truth, lou zhu‘s parents are indeed going a bit too far, but seeing what the lou zhu said at the end, [I] feel lou zhu is not that great either. No matter how capable you are, for a rural family to raise a graduate student, they had to pay/give a lot, and that cannot be measured in monetary terms of the time. Of course, I have no opinion of the lou zhu‘s husband, as he isn’t [originally/directly] part of your family!


Forgive my presumptuousness in making a hypothetical, but if this 200,000 was for example not being given to your brother, but rather given to your parents’ medical care/treatment, would you give it?


Your parents raised you for 20 years.
Now they need you to give up a year’s worth of income to help them accomplish a once in a life-time wish/dream.
[And] you’re not willing?


Do your parents expect you to support your brother and even his future entire family for the rest of their lives? Directly and clearly refuse. Supporting your parents is a given, but Of course, supporting you should support your parents, but you have no obligation to [financially] support your brother, and you giving 10,000 and lending 10,000 is already pretty good.
Also, seeing your brother like this, your parents will definitely expect you to support them in the future [because the son will not have the ability to].


I used to hear how selfless the parents love their children.
After growing up, I find that sometimes it is not like this.


My situation is almost the same as yours, my situation is almost the same as the lou zhu‘s, also have a younger brother, and these past days, my parents insist on my promising to be responsible for my brother’s marriage and house.
Recently has been very vexing.


Just give according to your means should be fine. After all, the principle is for you to not have regrets when you think of this matter in the future. According to you and your husband’s circumstances, your can actually give a bit more. Of course, living in Shanghai is not easy either, so you wanting to first establish your own foundation cannot be blamed.


As a man, I personally think the lou zhu has no obligation to give 200,000. Taking care of one’s parents is expected, but having the daughter pay for the younger brother’s wedding has not justification.
Moreover, isn’t this obviously cheating the son-in-law’s money to give to their own son?
Those people telling the lou zhu to pay the money are like your brother in real life!
I have a female co-worker whose situation is similar to your’s. Just after graduating, the first time she got her paycheck, her bank account card [where her pay is deposited] was taken away by her parents, saying: When you’ve collected the money for your younger brother’s wedding is when it will be returned to you! Later she found a partner [boyfriend, husband], and after her husband knew he said: “Okay, marrying me is okay, but a precondition, aside from holidays you cannot go home, and when you go home you cannot bring them things [gifts]. In the future, supporting/taking care of them in their old age will have nothing to do with our family, because you have already supported them in advance. I cannot have taken care of your brother and then take care of your parents!”
Lou zhu can consult [this example]!

more info & translated comments at: littleredbook


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