What Would Chinese Netizens Ask Paul The Oracle Octopus?

Paul the Octopus choosing between two China flags.

Paul the Octopus choosing between two China flags.

From Mop:

If the Octopus Oracle [Paul, the octopus] visited China, you represent Mop in asking a question.

Moppers gather, and let’s see whose question is the most creative/interesting.

Comments from Mop:


Little Mopper: If you were to be cooked, is steaming or braising in soy sauce better?
Octopus Paul: What media organization are you from?
Little Mopper: To those former rivals, what would you like to say?
Octopus Paul: I’m old now, but they are still young.


Q: Do you regret not having a sex life?
A: Motherfucker, I’m still a virgin octopus!


Southern Weekend: I’m really happy to meet you alive. Some have said that you committed suicide when predicting the next World Cup finals and a Chinese flag appeared before you.

Paul: Rumors stop with the wise. China is a great country, with all of its achievements and progress plain to see. What more, your land is vast, and you guys especially like eating roast squid, I love this country!

Southern Weekend: Speaking of the World Cup, can you predict the future of Chinese football?

Paul: Next question, thank you.

Southern Weekend: Okay, many people have begged me to ask you, can the Chinese stock market return to 3000 points within half a year?

Paul: Next question.

Southern Weekend: Then China’s housing prices…?

Paul: Alright, since you insist, perhaps me saying it will increase is what everyone will be satisfied with! However, based on what I know, housing prices should follow market rules, increasing in price when demand is higher than supply, decreasing in price when demand is lower than supply, why would you want me to predict housing prices?

Southern Weekend: As an oracle, Paul, do you have a lot of pressure?

Paul: I did not want to be an oracle, it was the whole world’s football fans who chose me to be one. I cannot disappoint the expectations of the world’s football fans, right? As for pressure, no I don’t have a lot of pressure, as I have lived to old age, and such things no longer matter. Moreover, I have never lied to people, so I’m not afraid of people exposing me for fraud.

Southern Weekend: What is your favorite color? Many of your fans want to know.

Paul: Many people say it is because I like red that I picked Spain, also saying that shrimp are all red, then isn’t that saying I follow whoever has the food? You guys think all the shrimp people eat in the world are red, but actually, have you ever seen a cooked red shell shrimp swimming in the ocean before? The shrimp I eat are all raw.
However, about my favorite color, it is the dark blue of the big sea, that is the color of freedom.

Southern Weekend: Sounds like you do a lot of philosophical thinking.

Paul: Yeah, one of your country’s philosophers once said, “You’re not a fish, so how can you know a fish’s happiness?” I, one, do not export terrorism, and two, do not export ideology, so why are there always some foreigners who want to cook me?

Southern Weekend: Please predict for us, will humans be destroyed in 2012?

Paul: Recently, some president also came and asked me this question. I asked in return, if [humans] will be destroyed, can he also take me aboard that ark? He said, “Definitely”, because he still wants me to help him predict whether he will be re-elected as the next president. I said, all of your people have died, and you’re still thinking about the presidential election? He had nothing to say after that. Likewise, I am worried for you guys, too simple, too naive!

Southern Weekend: Can you tell us about your love life? On camera, everyone only sees you alone.

Paul: But you guys have so many paparazzi, following my every move 24 hours a day, do you think being a star is easy? Does being an oracle mean I can no longer have privacy? And you guys keep taking nude photos of me… Let me take this opportunity to warn some of the media that freedom of the press is the freedom allowed within the scope of the law, that freedom is not without its limits.

Southern Weekend: Some want me to ask you, if you were to be cooked, is steaming or braising in soy sauce better?

Paul: What media organization are you from?

Southern Weekend: Actually, you have already made historical achievements, how about discussing your feelings?

Paul: First, I want to thank my motherland Great Britain, it was her seas that raised me, and I will always be an octopus of my motherland’s people. I also want to thank my parents! They exchanged their own lives for mine.

Southern Weekend: It is said, there is also a Singaporean parrot, an African gorilla, and other animals who are all predicting the World Cup, but only you have had a 100% success rate. To those former rivals, what would you like to say?

Paul: I’m old now, but they are still young, there are still many things to predict: When will the next economic crisis happen, how many degrees will the temperature rise next year, when will Lady Gaga get married, can [Usain] Bolt break the 5 second 100 meters, and many other questions that trouble you humans, right? When can we board the rainbow? When can be abandon war? Why can you have a house that faces the sea and yet still be forcibly demolished? Will this world get better?
So, can I ask you a question?

Southern Weekend: I would be honored!

Paul: I just want to ask you, the number one problem for you Chinese, why is it always either the stock market or the property market? Is there anything else you guys can think of?
Southern Weekend: …


What is the latest way to eat an octopus?


When will Taiwan return [to the mainland]? When will the Communist Party collapse? When will I find a girlfriend, and will she be pretty?


Q: Do you yearn for a sex life?
Brother Octopus: I have eight hands, you know what I mean!


In a China-Japan war, who would win?


Q: When will the Chinese national football team qualify?
A: Do you think I’m stupid?


Brother Octopus, do you have trouble with morning erections? May I ask which hand you use when you masturbate…?


Are you the pet of some black society [organized crime] boss? Was this World Cup rigged?


When will Sister Feng get married? Is she still a virgin?


Will Are China housing [prices] able to drop?

Paul the Octopus dies after days of refusing to eat.
Paul the Octopus dies after days of refusing to eat.


When will America surrender to China?


I have nothing to ask, just want to tell you to be careful to never go to Guangdong, otherwise your life will be forfeit.

Paul chooses chinaSMACK personals.

Challenge #07 – Paul The Octopus:

Post a comment below this post with the one question you would ask if Paul the Octopus visited your country. You must use the same name you used to entered the chinaSMACK 2 Year Anniversary Contest and include in parentheses what country you are from. 10 points. +5 bonus points if your question is the most creative/interesting. If you have not yet entered our contest for a chance to win an iPod Touch, official chinaSMACK t-shirts, free VPN service, and other possible prizes, please read the rules and enter here.


Written by Fauna

Fauna is a mysterious young Shanghainese girl who lives in the only place a Shanghainese person would ever want to live: Shanghai. In mid-2008, she started chinaSMACK to combine her hobby of browsing Chinese internet forums with her goal of improving her English. Through her tireless translation of popular Chinese internet news and phenomenon, her English has apparently gotten dramatically better. At least, reading and writing-wise. Unfortunately, she's still not confident enough to have written this bio, about herself, by herself.


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