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Qixi Festival, Relationships and Ugly Parents

Heart-shaped poached egg
This set of jokes and humor from the Chinese internet vaguely relates to the recent Qixi Festival, also known as Chinese Valentine’s Day, which fell on August 13th, as well as generally matters of love and relationships…

So what if it’s Qixi Festival? If I care, it’s it’s the Chinese Valentine’s Day; if I don’t care, it’s at most just a Tuesday!!

Chinese Valentine's Day

Baidu Tieba Q&A

[Translation of the above text]

[Original post:] Today was the first time I saw my girlfriend without makeup. I almost couldn’t recognized her. My heart immediately sank.

[Reply:] Isn’t it good to have two girlfriends?

There are three levels when it comes to a girl’s cooking skills. Ordinary Level: He is willing to eat. Good Level: He is willing to wash the dishes afterward. Excellent Level: He is willing to get up early + buy the groceries + wash the ingredients + help her in the kitchen + put up with her criticism and sarcasm + make the table + wash the dishes, pots, and pans + clean up the kitchen + give her a back massage + post weibos praising his wife.

A gril is cooking

Once upon a time there was a man who hadn’t eaten in a long time and had starve to the point where he had only one breath left. At death’s door, a woman discovered him and immediately went to poach an egg, letting the yolk out, and drizzled some soy sauce on it. The man, with tears in his eyes, struggled to get up. The woman said: Wait! She first used chopsticks to shape the poached egg into a heart, took pictures of it with her mobile phone, retouched and arranged the pictures, added captions and posted it to Weibo, whereby she then constantly refreshed for comments and busied herself posting replies. The man, starved…to…death…

Heart-shaped poached egg

If you want to forget a certain person you can’t get over, Photoshop one of his photos black and white, buy a frame to frame it, put it in your bag, and take it out to look at when you miss him. Then tell yourself he’s dead. (I recommend this to everyone, very effective)

Panda

A wife who controls your debit card where your wages are deposited is nothing, my fucking wife works in my company’s Human Resources department. My wages are calculated by her and the cashier who distributes the wages is her best friend. What am I living for? Whether I get my wages or not already has nothing to do with me. Qiuyous [referring to fellow readers of the Chinese humor website 糗事百科 The Encyclopedia of Embarrassment], when finding a wife, you must not end up like me!

Angry man

In China, employees often receive their wages directly deposited in a specific bank account with the money accessible through a debit card. Many husbands hand over this debit card to their wives for reasons ranging from the wife being in charge of household finances to giving the wife a sense of security against the risk of him squandering the money (including on other women). Men in this situation often either must ask for money from their wives or are given a regular allowance.

My dad’s niece and I are in the same company, but we‘re not close, and others think we don’t know each other at all. My boyfriend that I’ve been seeing for three months is now pursuing her, because everyone knows her uncle is the company’s board member, but nobody knows her uncle is actually my father!

Office romance

Yesterday when I was being intimate with my BF, he left a hickey on my neck. After I got home, it was discovered by my mom. She asked me what it was. In my panic, I said it was a scratch…my mom said: Make another scratch and let me see. So, I scratched my neck very hard to make a mark, (are you really my birth mother [for making me hurt myself]?) and managed to pass her test…only for my BF to discover it the next day, demanding to know why there was a new one! I once again said it was from a scratch!!! So, he asked me to make another scratch mark…

Kiss

My dad sent me a text message at 2am in the middle of the night complaining, “Actually I’m not important at all in your heart. Sometimes, I can’t even compete with [am less important to you than] an outsider.” I asked why he says that. He said, “All day you don’t spend any time with me, you only spend time with your boyfriend.” I said, “Daddy, you need to be strong, when children grow up and their “wings have gotten strong”, they’re all like this~ When you at first had your wife, didn’t you forget your mother as well?”

Gloomy bear

I saw a father and his daughter on the road. The daughter was sitting on the back of the father’s electric moped, tearfully saying, “Dad, I’m so ugly, he doesn’t want me (probably was dumped, just broke up).” The father said, “[You are] not ugly, and no matter how ugly you are, you are still my daughter!” Suddenly I had all kinds of feelings in my heart, took out my phone, and texted my dad, “Dad, I’m so ugly!” only for my dad to reply, “It’s alright, I’m ugly too.”

Tearful Crayon Shinchan

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Written by Rensi

A translator of trending Chinese Internet humor and Chinese pop music.

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