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School Begins, Cafeteria Food, Stars & Sperm

basketball star Yi Jianlian smiles at a pretty girl

Just now I checked the academic calendar for the next semester and found that there will be 12 days of classes in September, 13 days of classes in October, 18 days of classes in November, and 17 days of classes in December. There will be 60 days of classes in total. If there were seven hours of classes on average every day, there would be 420 hours in total, or 17.5 days…in other words, the Winter break is only 17.5 days away… What’s heartening? This is heartening…

dancing man

In just a few days, the senior brothers [older male students] at every university will exchange their flip-flops for canvas shoes or leather shoes, exchange their shorts for jeans or slacks, exchange their tank tops for T-shirts or shirts, they will hold back their lewd smiles, hide their horny expressions, and become mature little men, showing you the way, help you carry your bags, answer your questions, ask for your phone numbers, add you on Renren [a major Chinese social networking site], ask you out to dinner… junior sisters [younger female students], the senior brothers are all ready, how about you?

smiling sisters from Japanese Cartton Chibi Aruko-Chan

For the school orientation season, one must read the “Things You Must Know When Entering School”: 1. Senior brothers [older male students] who take the initiative to talk to you are not good senior brothers; 2. Good senior brothers are those who don’t have time to take care of junior sisters [younger female students]; 3. The more senior brothers you know, the less respect you will earn from other people; 4. The senior brothers from your hometown are the most dangerous ones; 5. The senior brothers who are concerned about your academics must be hypocrites; 6. The senior brother’s smile is a signal of mischief, and the senior brother’s ambiguity is the prelude to his “plans”; 7. The senior brothers who are immaculate dressed when welcoming you [during the orientation] are only neat that one day of the year.

basketball star Yi Jianlian smiles at a pretty girl

A nice warning to junior brothers [younger male students, here referring to first-year students]: Your senior sisters [older female schoolmates] are ours; our junior sisters [younger female schoolmates] are ours, and when necessary, you are ours too.

warning from older male students

Cafeteria food is the ninth biggest cuisine in our country, found throughout the entire country, its main cooking techniques include blind frying and haphazard boiling… its major characteristics being cooking with neither meat nor oil and they are famous for that all around the country.

university canteen food

[Note: Chinese cuisine has a number of different genres, but the most influential and typically known by the public are the “Eight Cuisines”: Shandong Cuisine, Guangdong Cuisine, Sichuan Cuisine, Hunan Cuisine, Jiangsu Cuisine, Zhejiang Cuisine, Fujian Cuisine and Anhui Cuisine.]

The Almighty Potato: They’re the chicken in Kung Pao Chicken, the meat slices in Boiled Meat Slices, the beef in Curry Beef… I can’t imagine what school cafeterias would do without potatoes!

gloomy boy

The Big Stars’ Daily Schedules:>

1. @马伊琍 [Ma Yili, Mainland actress] and @小S [Little S aka Dee Hsu, Taiwanese talk show host]: Desperate housewives are bound to have times where they can’t sleep;

2. @萧亚轩MISSELVA [Xiao Yaxuan aka Elva Hsiao, Taiwanese singer] and @杨幂 [Yang Mi, Mainland actress]: Women in love!

3. @姚晨 [Yao Chen, Mainland actress] and @林心如 [Lin Xinru aka Rubby Lin, Taiwanese actress]: Is Sina Weibo their other half? You’ll never understand the queens’ [strong, popular women] world;

4. @吴奇隆 [Wu Qilong aka Nicky Wu, Taiwanese actor] and @张根硕 [Jang Keun-suk, South Korean actor]: Men are much more rational, Weibo is used for reading [other people’s updates, instead of posting so much of one’s own]!

5. @苍井空 [Sola Aoi, former porn star from Japan popular with Chinese netizens] and @罗玉凤 [Luo Yufeng aka Sister Feng, internet celebrity]: Pause and resume downloading, right? Otaku guys all know what I’m talking about, not gonna elaborate!

[Note: The following image shows these celebrities’ daily schedules through their Sina Weibo posting frequency.]

celebrities' daily schedules told by microblog posting frequency

I liked Deng Lijun [Teresa Teng, singer], died; I liked Weng Meiling [Barbara Yung, actress], killed herself; I liked Mei Yanfang [Anita Mui, singer and actress], died of illness; I liked Huang Jiaju [Wong Ka kui, singer], fell and died; I liked Zhang Guorong [Leslie Cheung, singer and actor], killed himself jumping off a building; I like you, you figure it out!

a sign says 'I like you'

I visited my parents’ home, in quite a rush, and left the dishes in water in the sink unwashed. When I came home a week later, the dishes I left one week ago were still there in the water. In this hot summer, surprisingly, they had not begun to smell at all. My husband proudly said to me, “Of course! I changed the water every day!”

a man washing dishes

A girl pointed at a newspaper and said to her boyfriend, “Look, look, the newspaper says every time you donate sperm, you can get 300 yuan.” Boy: “So?” Girl: “If you can handle it, I’d like to buy an apartment within the year…”

gf biting bf's arm

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Written by Rensi

A translator of trending Chinese Internet humor and Chinese pop music.

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