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The Encyclopedia of Embarrassment: March 9-15

Ultraman

Qiu Shi Bai Ke

糗事百科 (qiǔ shì bǎi kē), which translates into “The Encyclopedia of Embarrassment”, is a popular Chinese website that publishes jokes and humor submitted by Chinese netizens, with an emphasis on sharing embarrassing things experienced or observed. This week’s jokes & humor post presents the most up-voted joke of the day over the last seven days on the site.

March 15 (30,231 up-votes):

This one was stolen from someone else: One time, a co-worker’s father-in-law had passed away, and we went to offer our condolences. A dude who was late came in holding his cheek, indignantly saying, “Tooth hurts, just took a taxi here from the hospital. After getting on the taxi, I was in so much pain it was unbearable, so I lay down in the back seat and told the taxi to go to the crematorium. That mean driver said to me, ‘Brother, sure you don’t want to try another hospital first?'”

March 14 (25,486 up-votes):

Last night after working overtime I came out to get a taxi home. After over 10 minutes later, there was finally a taxi driver that was willing to take me and my less than four kilometer fare. After I got on the taxi, the shifu [literally “master”, a respectful way to address a male taxi driver] began passing on his wisdom to me. “Always get rejected by taxis, right? In the future, get a small trolley case to put your computer inside. Then stand by the street looking like this and the taxis will all be fighting to stop in front of you to take you as a fare, thinking you’re going to the airport, but the moment you get on and they ask, you tell them it’s Unity Lake [a place name, a destination nearby]—[and they can only] cry!”…Shifu, you are such a good friend…the conscience of the profession!

March 13 (39,922 up-votes):

At the end of last year, I had bought a little turtle for my daughter. Over the Spring Festival, it died in my care. Afraid my daughter would be sad, I kept it a secret and didn’t tell her. Just now, she collected a few small stones and told me she’s bringing them home for the little turtle. I said the little turtle was gone and she asked why. I answered: “Sorry, the little turtle died under mommy’s care.” Dudu [the daughter’s nickname] wept quietly for a moment, and then pitifully said to me, “Mommy, be more careful. Don’t accidentally kill me!” Me: “…”

March 12 (26,669 up-votes):

In front of the school ATM was a long line. Taking a closer look, there was a xiaohei [little black dog] in the line. The doggy consciously stood in line and moved forward space by space. When it was its turn, it self-consciously wagged its tail and then walked away. A guy in the back said, “He discovered he didn’t bring the card.” No card, card…

March 11 (14,860 up-votes):

Can anyone be more embarrassed than me? Cut…[an expression widely used on this site to divide background information and the funny part of the joke] Last night my company put on a performance and I borrowed some ancient Chinese costumes. When I came home at night, I wanted to scare my wife, so I put on the nocturnal subterfuge clothes before I entered the building. Just before I opened the door to scare my wife, the neighbor opposite us happened to come out and kick me from behind. Tears…

Ancient Chinese nocturnal clothing

March 10 (22,075 up-votes):

LZ is female, sharing an apartment with a senior sister [a respectful way to address a female classmate or schoolmate older than oneself]. Today, She sighed while trying arduously to open the cap of a bottle of yogurt, “Every time I can’t open the cap, I feel I lack a man.”

I quietly took the yogurt from her hand, tore off the sealing strip under the yogurt cap, gently opened the cap, and then handed it over to her. In extreme astonishment, she said to herself, “So, what I lack is actually a brain…”

March 9 (17,424 up-votes):

LZ is male. One day at the supermarket, I didn’t want to buy my son an Ultraman toy, so I tricked him by saying, “These are all domestic ones, not powerful. When Daddy has time one day, I’ll go out and capture a wild Ultraman, now that would be powerful… Now every morning at six o’clock, he is all dressed up standing by my bed urging me to go catch one… my damn big mouth!…A wild Ultraman can’t be handled

Ultraman

READ  Sleeping Chinese Passengers on Spring Festival Train L199

Written by Rensi

A translator of trending Chinese Internet humor and Chinese pop music.

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