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Topical, Foreign Friends & Watermelon Wonders

Scary watermelon 01

Today I heard a story about extortion/blackmail. A rich second-generation handsome guy was parking his luxury car on the side of the street when all of a sudden, an auntie [a friendly way of addressing a middle-aged or older woman you may or may not know] lay down in front of the car refusing to get up. She demanded 10,000 RMB from the rich second-generation guy, otherwise she won’t get up. When offered to be taken to the hospital for an examination [of injuries], she would simply refuse, [so] the rich second-generation guy took out his phone and made a call: Dad, transfer 400,000 -500,000 RMB to my card. I want to run over someone… The auntie then got up and walked away.

[Note: This joke is related to the news stories of false injury scams in recent years.]

Lijun‘s life is complete. He’s accomplished two things that most people wish to accomplish: A love affair you plunge into without regard for your safety and embarking on a journey the moment you want to.

[Note: This quip is based on the recent news about Bo Xilai’s trial. “A love affair” refers to Bo’s August 26th allegation of a romance in between his former top aide, Wang Lijun, and his wife Gu Kailai. “A journey” refers to Wang Lijun driving to the US consulate in Chengdu and asking for political asylum in February 2012. The “two things most people wish to accomplish” is quoted from a popular quip widely circulated on China’s internet.]

Bo Xilai and Wang Lijun
Bo Xilai (Left) and Wang Lijun

Rumor has it that Kim Jong-un’s ex-girlfriend has been executed by firing squad. Chinese netizens quipped: My ex is a wacko.

[Note: Sina Weibo account @我的前任是个极品 (My Ex Is A Wacko) has 2,142,402 followers at time of translation.]

Kim Jong-un's ex-girlfriend

Came across a foreign friend [a friendly way of referring to foreigners you may or may not know in China] on the road. Carrying a travel bag, he said to me, “I want to see chest hair.” I was stunned for a second and then asked him, “Here?” “Yes. Your guys’ chest hair is so beautiful!” Taking by surprise that such a handsome young guy would have such a fondness/special hobby, I hesitated for a bit but then took off my shirt on the street. He looked at me in fear, and then ran away! Later I thought it over and realized he might have wanted to go to the zoo. Hehe, for better or for worse, I passed the CET-4 [College English Test-Level 4] so would it have killed you to just say PANDA?

[Note: Many non-Chinese learners of the Chinese language find it difficult to pronounce the four Chinese tones correctly. Compare 胸毛 (xiōng máo) “chest hair” and 熊猫 (xióng māo) “panda”.]

Our foreign colleague suddenly asked me: “Is ‘what’s up’ Chinese people’s favorite foreign language [English] pet phrase? It feels like you guys are always saying ‘what’s up’ around each other, and even sometimes to yourselves in front of the computer. Is it a result of being influenced by American culture?” I thought for a long time, then suddenly realized [what she was referring to], and said to her: Wo cao [fuck]!

High temperatures have persisted over the past few days and as I encountered a black person on the street, I asked, “Can you tell me if it’s hotter here or hotter in your Africa?” The black person answered, “Let me stress this on more time, I’m not from Africa, I simply was tanned dark here!”

[Note: Alludes to recent record heat waves throughout China this past summer.]

Came to quench your thirst. Giggles.

Watermelon bear

Mom no longer allows me to cut watermelons~~~

Scary watermelon 01

Scary watermelon 02

Scary watermelon 03

Scary watermelon 04

Today’s watermelon tastes so exotic!

Starbucks watermelon

Fudan [University] badge. Stunned…

Watermelon sulpture Fudan University badge

Kung fu watermelon!!

taekwondo-watermelon

The highest level of watermelon-cutting.

Watermelon biker

Watermelon carving…

Watermelon sulpture

This is the rhythm [trend] of playing with watermelon until it breaks, One Piece, too creative! thumb up

[Note: One Piece is one of the most popular Japanese manga/anime series among young Chinese. “…the rhythm of…” is a Chinese internet meme popular among Chinese youth this past summer, quoted from the Japanese manga series Attack on Titan. The original line is 作死的节奏 (zuò sǐ de jié zòu), “the rhythm of seeking death” which means “the trend that will lead to death/kill you”.]

Watermelon sculpture One Piece

READ  Chinese Joking About the News, and Themselves

Written by Rensi

A translator of trending Chinese Internet humor and Chinese pop music.

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