Somewhat Morbid, Somewhat Cute, Somewhat Topical

Chinese students tear up textbooks and exam papers to release stress.

Although April Fools’ Day has passed, I’m still going to post this utterly ruthless way of messing with your teacher: Write on the blackboard “Teacher…I’m so tired…”, then place your shoes neatly on the window sill, and finally have everyone lie strewn all over the ground below… Just what sinister brain came up with this? Talk about throwing the teacher’s heart down into an abyss with just one blow…

April Fools' Day prank

For Qingming Festival, we should go back to our high schools to tomb-sweep, because that is where our youth is buried.

Chinese students tear up textbooks and exam papers to release stress.

The Natural Sciences teacher asked: “Why is the human body cold after one dies?” Nobody answered. The teacher asked again: “Nobody knows?” At this moment, a classmate stood up and said: “That’s because ”a calm heart keeps you cool”.

[Note: 心静自然凉 “A calm heart keeps you cool” is a Chinese idiom often used to calm people down when they are agitated by the heat of summer.]

Dead body with toe tag.

This dog has been mistakenly thrown into the washing machine N times. It’s said he now laughs in the face of death~

Towel or dog?

After watching The Return of the Condor Heroes, I understood that age is not a problem. After watching King Kong, I understood that race is not a problem. After watching Brokeback Mountain, I understood that sex is not a problem. After watching A Chinese Ghost Story, I understood that even death is not a problem. And you’re telling me it’s because of distance, and because of time?! Fuck…

A Chinese Ghost Story

A boy fell in love with a girl. When he confessed his love for her, the girl rejected him. She said: “I’m one whole year older than you.” The boy responded: “When I was one month old, you were 13 months old. Your age was 13 times mine. When I was two months old, you were 14 months old. Your age was seven times mine. When I was one year old, you were two years old. Your age was two times mine. As long as you are willing to be with me forever, we will always be getting closer and closer… What a beautiful story, except it was used by the Math teacher to explain the “concept of limit”.

Limit at infinity graph.

Q: Why hasn’t the United Nations taken a stand with regards to this time’s Diaoyu Islands incident? A: When there’s a conflict between a small country and another small country and the United Nations mediates, the conflict disappears. When a small county and a big country has a conflict, and the United Nations mediates, the small country disappears. When a big country and another big country has a conflict, and the United Nations mediates, the United Nations disappears.”

United Nations flag.

2013’s Latest Marriage Vows: “Will you take this woman, to love and to cherish her, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part? Will you, in order for you two to buy or sell second houses, be able to temporarily divorce her, marry another woman, and then remarry her, without leaving or abandoning her, remaining faithful and loyal, as if you two had never been separated?”

[Note: This alludes to recent news stories of Chinese couples getting divorced to avoid new policies and taxes intended to cool China’s real estate market by restricting the number of homes people can purchase and taxing capital gains.]

Divorce for buying houses
“Hurry up and divorce us. We’re waiting to buy houses…”
“It will save us hundreds of thousands of RMB. Why not get divorced…?”
READ  Men & Women

Written by Rensi

A translator of trending Chinese Internet humor and Chinese pop music.

  • MrT

    So true about the time and distance story.

    • linette lee

      “After watching The Return of the Condor Heroes, I understood that age is not a problem. After watching King Kong, I understood that race is not a problem. After watching Brokeback Mountain,…..And you’re telling me it’s because of distance, and because of time?! Fuck…”

      hahaha…I like this one. If anyone try to use this excuse to break up with you, or tell you they can’t date you. You can use this line,

  • slob

    Isn’t the first one a Korean joke? I thought this was meant to be Chinese humour…???

    • Washington Bullets

      yeah, that’s definitely hangul

    • It has more to do with what’s floating around the Chinese web rather than the specific origin of the content.

  • BiggJ

    Somewhat lame.

    • bprichard

      Extremely kind.

  • mr.wiener

    The only thing moved were my bowels.

    • YourSupremeCommander

      you mean balls?

  • the ace of books

    NGL, I laughed at the UN one. Because, well, the UN.

    • the ace of books

      Also, the first teacher one. Except next class the teacher has to do the same thing. “My dear students … I’m so tired… of you…”

  • Bugs Bunny

    this is cute, i always dream of a tiny cup puppy…

    • BiggJ

      Would be this dessert for you? Or before the main course? Or maybe a snack you carry with you? :)

      • Bugs Bunny

        haha,it would be my tiny baby…
        korean eat dogs too,at least in my hometown we do not eat dogs,just those minorities they eat many different things, as donkey and horse…we really do not eat donkey and horse,they are more like treasure for us.

        • the ace of books

          Just as long as you let that baby live with its Mom until it’s ready to leave her, there’s no problem with that! I cringe when I see cup-sized puppies being sold on the streets for a few hundred kuai – sure they’re adorable and making cute squeeking sounds – but those are squeeks of “where’s Mom?” I think the number of neurotic dogs over here would be much lower if the pups were just allowed to be separated when they were ready, but no, they’re sold when they’re “cute”…

          (yes, I have a great dislike for this practice, can you tell?)

        • Eattot’s Admirer

          Eattot, do you think you would be a good mother?

        • donscarletti

          Almost everyone eats donkey in China! You can even get it in big, reputable restaurants, not just the disreputable holes in the wall that have dog on the menu. Or you can get it in donkey burger (驴肉火烧), which they sell everywhere in Beijing, with big prominent pictures of tasty looking donkeys.

          I eat donkey too, it tastes very good and is very lean and flavourful. Horse tastes pretty bad, camel tastes worse and has a texture that makes me sick, but donkey is fantastic. I grew up on the Sunday roast, be it lamb or beef, it should be covered in foil to keep the juices in with rosemary, basil, thyme, etc and slowly roasted for hours until the flavour is intense. Roast donkey meat is the only thing in China that has that same terrific flavour because it’s cooked in a similar way for just as long; big chunks of marinated lean meat baking in their juices, just like they should.

          I don’t eat dog, because dogs can read your emotion like people and show their love for their owners. But in my opinion oxen pull carts and I still eat beef, why is a donkey any different? I can’t exactly grab a rifle and shoot wild roos, pigs and rabbits in China, meaning I’m limited to eating domesticated animals, most of which are just as “cute”, sympathetic and useful to humans as donkeys, so why the hell not?

      • Bugs Bunny

        i wanna buy a cup puppy so much, but it’s too expensive,and seems no real cup puppy in china,and they are very easy to die,just a waste of money.
        once we had a tiny puppy,my father fed it so well, candy and meat and fruit and cake,but one day that puppy jumped out then rushed onto a big rock suicided in a very scary and brave way…did not know why that little thing had to kill itself that way.after that,we do not keep dog at home any more.

        • Wick

          Yes…because candy, fruit and cake is all part of a dog’s healthy diet.

      • linette lee

        hahaha… are funny. lol

  • markus peg

    on April fools day someone told me that facebook and youtube had been unblocked. i rushed to the computer and after it failed i looked at the date… GRR..

    • MrT

      people still actually use that crap?
      The mind boggles.

      • slob

        Fakebook is pretty shitty though I do miss youtube.

      • Facebook remains the largest social network in the world, and still going strong . . . everywhere . . . except china.

        • MrT

          good keep it out of China.
          Its the biggest spyware system ever implemented by a country and every SC in the west signed up for it.

          • BiggJ

            And what’s qq? and weibo and all that.

          • MrT

            The same

          • MrT

            but far better user interface

    • The Acidic Hasidic

      That was the head of google china. Pretty massive joke.

  • linette lee

    The first prank is really funny. lol.

    • firebert5

      Of course, the teacher could just burn all the homework to send it to them in the afterlife.

  • The Enlightened One

    Well, the jokes are slowly but surely getting a little better….

  • not funny mate