Beijing’s Smog, Lakers’ Losses, 2012 in News

The greatest distance in the world cannot surpass you standing in front of Tiananmen [The Gate of Heavenly Peace], yet can’t see Chairman Mao.

[Note: This joke is related to Beijing’s air pollution.]

The Lakers have abused me a million times, yet I still treat the Lakers as my first love!

[Note: The expression, “X has abused me a million times, yet I (still) treat X as my first love” is often used to describe someone or something that you love fervently even though he/she/it has disappointed you many times, something Chinese Lakers fans can profoundly relate to following the Lakers’ 6-game losing streak.]

I was on the street, and I crossed the line during a yellow light. Uncle Policeman pulled me over. After fining me, and nodding his head at me. He cheerfully said, “Six points, goodbye!”

[Note: This is an adaptation of a Chinese children’s song encouraging children to turn in lost money they find: “Walking on the street, I found one penny. I turned in the penny to Uncle Policeman. Uncle held onto the penny, and nodded his head at me. I happily said, ‘Uncle, goodbye!'” Here, it sarcastically comments on the controversial new traffic regulation put into effect at the beginning of the new year that increases penalties for running yellow lights in China. Confusion over the new regulation prompted the Ministry of Public Security to publicly calm drivers several days later, telling them that drivers who break the regulation will mostly receive warnings and education, and for the time being not be penalized.]

2012 in one sentence: In January, Benshan abandoned the CCTV New Year’s Gala. In February, live bears had their bile extracted. In March, Du Fu made guest appearances everywhere. In April, medicine capsules were found to be made from leather shoes. In May, China was on the tip of the tongue. In June, life was so wonderful according to Master Yancan. In July, torrential rains were “more fearsome than tigers”. In August, “Uncle Bird” [Psy] presented the horse dance [“Gangnam Style“]. In September, Suzhou erected a pair of “long johns” [The Gate of the Orient]. In October, Yuanfang was as busy as a bee. In November, jets planes were launched. In December, Xinjiang nuts cakes were too pricey for me.

Note: PSY is called 鸟叔 (niǎo shū) “Uncle Bird” in China because his first hit was “Bird”.]

A foreigner asked me, “Does Kung Fu really exist? Are Chinese people all martial arts practitioners?” I said, “Why of course. Putting aside internal force, hidden weapons, and whatsoever, the most advanced school in Kung Fu is called Touch of Death [Death-Point Striking, Dim Mak], and even elementary school students know how to do that.” The laowai shook his head expressing his skepticism, so I immediately performed some of the techniques for him to see: Massaging the Tianying-points, pinching the Jingming-point, massaging the Sibai-points, pressing my temples and massaging around the eye sockets… The laowai was instantly blown away!

[Note: The acupuncture points mentioned by the Chinese person in the joke are not death-points but rather the traditional Chinese eye exercises released by the Ministry of Health for students. You can watch the video of the traditional Chinese eye exercises here. The latest version of the Chinese eye exercises released by the Ministry of Health in 2009 is here.]

I was chatting with a friend about the CET-4. He said he didn’t listen on the listening section and I said, “Then how did you answer the questions? All by guessing?!” The climax was his answer. He said, “The person sitting behind me wrote really loudly, so I just listened to the sound of his writing!” “Then how did you know whether to choose, A, B, C, or D?” He smiled lasciviously, “A is three strokes, C is one stroke, and B and D both have two strokes, but D’s stroke lasts shorter!” Now that’s what I call listening skill!

Lu Xun‘s exam scores when he was a medical student: Anatomy 59.3, Histology 72.7; Physiology 63.3; Ethics 83; German 60; Chemistry 60; Physics 60, ranking 68th in a class of 142 people. Now you know the reason why Lu Xun abandoned medicine for literature, because… he flunked!!!!!

Every time you don’t feel like studying, just look at yourself in the mirror, and check the balance in your bank account!

I suddenly discovered that when a certain someone video-chats with his girlfriend, neither of them says a word. They just keep doing their homework in front of their computers, and when they get tired, they just lift their heads to look at the other person, smile, and then continue with their homework… So this is how “academic tyrants” in long-distance relationships solve the problem of not being able to study together.

[Note: 学霸 (xué bà) n. Literally “academic tyrant”. This term refers to extremely self-disciplined students who excel in academics.]

If life deceives you, find 50 graduate students and ask why they go to grad school; If life makes you want to kill yourself, find 50 graduate students and ask how their theses are going; If you think life is in financial straits, find 50 graduate students and ask about their financial aid; If you think life is boring, find 50 graduate students and ask what they do all day! These 50 graduate students, please don’t be sad, find 50 doctorate students, and ask when they’ll graduate…