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Chinese Internet Celebrity Liu Jishou Rates Female Netizens

Chinese internet celebrity Liu Jishou.

Chinese internet celebrity 留几手's Sina Weibo profile photo.

留几手 Liu Jishou is a Chinese internet personality who gained attention on China’s leading microblogging service Sina Weibo in late 2012 for his scathing but witty “ratings/reviews” of netizens who direct his attention to photos of themselves or others. As of this translation, Liu Jishou had 5.21 million followers.

Last time, we saw Liu Jishou evaluate a number of male netizens. This time, we take a look at his reviews of female netizens’ photos.

From Sina Weibo:

[Censored]:@留几手 Whatever you say, I won’t be mad. You know [why]. laughlaughlaugh

Yang Li Lynn

@留几手: Shanghai little childish cunt [women who like pretending to be cute and childish], regularly wandering on Hengshan Road‘s bar street. When night falls, you are not content to just be a clerical worker, so you change into provocative outfits every night. You come to No.1 Huaihai [Road], whispering the pleasant-sounding Wu dialect [Shanghainese] with all kinds of men in the bar, every now and then inserting some Hong Kong-style English, to getting free drinks from everyone. The reputation of Chinese women being “public buses” [promiscuous] is because of women like you. Marrying abroad is your lifelong pursuit. If I give you 1 point, you will curse me, “Ce na, go die/get lost, you beggar [written as how a Shanghainese person would speak].”

From Sina Weibo:

[Censored]: @留几手 Aunty Liu [Ji]shou. [Here’s a] nice and decent student photo. Begging for abuse, begging for abuse! despisedespise

Girl and friend

@留几手: The one on the left side is you? You don’t look old, but your heart is not pure. Did you think taking a photo with your friend would make you look like a beautiful flower? Wearing such a weird outfit, with the braids of of country girl, a low-quality lace “cunt-high miniskirt” [a really short miniskirt], and a cap fished out of a trash can. In order to photoshop your leg to look skinnier, the tiles on the ground have all been distorted/blurred. You’re a student but you don’t look like one and you look like a prostitute but you aren’t one. In comparison, the chubby girl on the right is simple and not pretentious, and is so much better than you. Left: Negative points. Right: 0 points. This is the result of your taking advantage of your friend.

From Sina Weibo:

[Censored]: Circled you to death @留几手

Zhai Zhidi

@留几手: Yikes, you almost scared me off my stool. You are just like a paper figure during funerals, like someone who wants to die but can’t, a figure of ghastly darkness, and it’s a miracle you haven’t scared yourself to death when looking in the mirror. I really want to go to the market and buy a big rooster, drain its blood, and perform an exorcism on you. That way you can go back to normal, and I can also add another achievement for myself, a win-win situation. Finally, Brother [referring to himself] advises you not to walk outside at night. Looking this way, if you get beaten to death, even the courts would have to rule it justifiable self-defense. No points, not in the human being category.

From Sina Weibo:

Non-Chinese female netizen

@留几手: What’s going on? Has business grown so big? That my influence has reached America? Alright then, today I’ll give an international friend a score. Foreign university students are this old? Or are you the third aunty who cooks in the university cafeteria?! You look too simple and sometimes naive. But deep down you are too slutty and sometimes violent. What a country pao [村炮, “country bumpkin”]! Like a tiger B [虎B, originated from a song titled 《虎B》 which, according to the singer, is for all the actresses who were involved in sex scenes on TV]! Negative scores, fuck off!

From Sina Weibo:

@Lcecelia: Where is the rating that you agreed to give? My friend has been waiting for you for a long time. Waiting

Lcecelie's friend

@留几手: Est-ce que vous travaillez dans une boîte de nuit à Amsterdam ? Vous pouvez parler chinois ,mais seulement les mots“nihao”“lingdao”“youfapiao”. Je vous donne la note -∞. Bienvenue en Chine ,vous pouvez trouver un bon travail à 东莞.

[English translation: Do you work in a nightclub in Amsterdam? You can speak Chinese, but only the words “Hello” “Leader [a way to address government officials]” “I provide invoices/receipts [for government officials to get reimbursed]”. I give you the note – ∞. Welcome to China, you can find a good job in Dongguan (a city known as “China’s sex capital”).]

From Sina Weibo:

张雲洁Christine: I heard about Brother Shou a long time ago but haven’t had a chance to send [this photo to you]. Today I send one not knowing if you’ll see it. lovely I’m wearing cosmetic contact lenses [that make pupils look larger], @留几手

Zhang Yunjie Christine

@留几手: Your father can’t sell his basket of corn for more than a pile of red bills [100 RMB] for a basket of corns. You lied to your illiterate parents that you wanted to take an English learning class, and finally through tricks and deception managed to amass enough for standing room-only train tickets from Siping to Paris. You used your charm and conquered French, relying on the two French words “stupid pig” [bèn zhū, sounds like “bonjour”] and “foolish donkey” [shǎ lǘ, sounds like “salut”] to swindle France. Before you left, you bought a “I love bali” [Liu Jishou interpreted the “bali” on her t-shirt as bā lí, Pinyin romanization for “Paris”] original souvenir T-shirt from a Dutch vendor on the Avenue des Champs-Élysées, then reluctantly boarded a green car [a type of train in China, old and slow] back to China. 0 points.

From Sina Weibo:

[Censored]:@留几手 @留几手 Brother Shou, she is “crying to the sky and screaming to the ground” for a rating.

A female netizen

@留几手: Delicate women become “light-skinned, rich, and beautiful” [the female equivalent of the “tall, rich, and handsome” standard for men], flirty women become black wood ear fungus [referring to a promiscuous woman’s vagina, a slutty woman], and only er bi [idiotic] women become artistic women. Brother [referring to himself] sees through cunt women of your kind. Plaid shirt, forward cap, and the black-framed glasses you wear. You save a half year’s cunt money to flee to Lijiang or Gulangyu Island, drinking a can of expired milk tea, flipping through a Zhang Xiaoxian book at a coffee house or on a train but never getting past five pages. [When you] get lost, you don’t say you’re lost, but say “I lost myself in blablabla. You lost yourself NMB. Negative points, fuck off.

From Sina Weibo:

@唐堉倩: My name is Tang Yuqian, a post-90s [born in the 1990s], and I feel I can take the path of TV singing competitions and talent shows. This Monday night at 8pm, I’ll be on Sprint Good Voice live, and I hope the mentors will turn their chairs for me in June. @留几手 Brother Shou please comment!

Tang Yuqian

@留几手: You are the kind of girl who give men butterflies in their stomach upon seeing you. The wind blows through your beautiful hair, and a watermelon seed you haven’t yet wiped away remains at the corner of your mouth, incredibly cute. Your haughty yet loveable gaze instantly made me sense your self-confidence, intellectuality, independence, as well as a little obstinacy. Not beautiful in that take-the-world-by-storm way, but in a heartwarming way, making every wanderer willing to stop for you. Brother [referring to himself] hasn’t heard your voice, [so I] don’t know if you will succeed, but I will give you 2 points first.

From Sina Weibo:

Panamera、花言巧语: @留几手 Recently ended a relationship, and now only have a group of friends to be with me every day. Begging for comfort.

Panamera Huayan Qiaoyu

@留几手: First look at the picture above. The same yellow hair, cosmetic contact lenses, fake eyelashes, vain and pretentious facial expressions. Girls like this I’ve seen a lot. Absolutely not beautiful at all. Just one sweep of the street, and [you’ll] get a dustpan [full of girls like this], every minute you risk being swept away by street cleaners. Negative points no doubt; Now look at the picture below, that’s your true selves in 10 years, have thrown off what the world thinks of you, no longer pursuing pretentious fashions, being who you are, and having your own styles. 0 points, for your future selves.

Photo from Sina Weibo account Liu Xin Happy Birthday

From Sina Weibo:

[Censored]: From now on, I will @留一手 in every weibo post, until the day I am rated. I’m wondering if I’ll still laugh out loud when it is me myself being criticized into shit!! Hahaha!!! Cry Feel like being abused lately!!

Female netizen

@留几手: When I saw your photo, I was startled. You look very much like my childhood first love, pure, fresh, and refined. On those warm and sunny afternoons, I rode a bike carrying her on the back to the hills to pluck oranges, and wove a ring for her with the Dog’s-tail glass. back then I didn’t yet know how to write poems, and could only shielded her from the wind in my arms. When girls like you look for boyfriends, you must find a boyfriend like me, and only guys like me deserve you. I give you 4 points.

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Written by Rensi

A translator of trending Chinese Internet humor and Chinese pop music.

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