As Chinese New Year approaches (February 10), a recent trending topic on China’s most popular microblogging platform is…
From Sina Weibo:
#Counter-Questioning During Chinese New Year Holiday#
Going Home for the Chinese New Year and Getting Questioned Repeatedly, Netizen Proposes Countering By Asking Questions First
How’s work? Have you found a boyfriend/girlfriend? How much is your salary? Have you bought a house yet? … What many “fellow students” [casual term for “young people”] fear the most during the Chinese New Year is the various “expressions of concern” and “tortuous questioning/interrogation” that happens when relatives gather together. The mere thought of it makes the idea of going home seem very burdensome and unpleasant~~ If it isn’t exploding in silent misery then its dying in silent misery. Finally, a netizen has proposed a way to fight back: Beat your relatives to asking the questions: Is your husband-wife relationship harmonious? Did your transition to menopause go smoothly? How much is your pension? Have you made any money with your stock speculation? How is your child’s grades? Have you bought a house for your child for marriage yet? …Upon hearing these, will those uncles and aunties be even more depressed?
From Sina Weibo:
@叫兽易小星: “Auntie, your skin looks pretty bad, has uncle taken you out traveling yet?”, “Uncle, when do you plan on buying a new car? My classmate’s father drives him to school in a million-RMB car.” “Uncle, have you been promoted yet? Will you be promoted after the holiday?”, “Auntie, how’s your business going? You’ll definitely be able to open a few more stores next year, right?” #Must Beat Relatives to Asking Questions During Chinese New Year#
Comments on Sina Weibo:
Once you ask these things, you’ll no longer have relatives…
Also, has your child gotten divorced?
Just ask, is your sex life harmonious?
“Uncle, did your child get first place this year? That little guy is rather smart.” “Auntie, did your daughter participate in any artistic competitions and win this year?” “Auntie, I think this hairstyle of yours is a little behind the times, shall I show you some currently fashionable middle-aged women hairstyles?”
Uncle, have you finished your doctorate thesis yet?
Little Shou [the original poster], don’t you worry about grownup matters, have you gotten married yet? Oh, you have? Then have you had children yet? Oh, you have as well. Then when do you plan on having your child go to school, because its really important to choose the right school. A good beginning is half of success and you absolutely must not let your child lose at the starting line, blah blah blah…
What if you don’t get a red envelope?
觉诺可乐： (responding to above)
Obviously you ask after you’ve received your red pocket but before they’ve started asking you.
Yep, I think that’s the way too. Ask until they don’t want to talk to you anymore, and naturally you won’t have to respond to their various questions…
Auntie, you’re not young anymore, and you should have an extramarital affair at least once. Is there anyone suitable?
This way you can avoid them asking you: Do you have a girlfriend yet? Have you gotten married yet? When will you bring your girlfriend home [to meet the family]?
Preemptive strike. When I was small, I hated relatives asking about my grades. Now I hate relatives asking about work, about my income, about girlfriends.
Fucking, if I didn’t counterattack, you guys [referring to relatives] wouldn’t know just how ball-aching it is responding to these things.
#Asking First# Auntie, you look like you’ve gotten younger yet again. The plastic surgery is really good. It’s just that you look a little stiff only. Uncle, I saw your xiao san using your credit card going shopping yesterday. Little brother, I saw your little boyfriend fooling around with the girl next door.
Preemptive strike: Is your prostate better now?
Is going on the offense the best defense?
It’d be better to ask: “Uncle, I heard your business was in the red, have you earned it back yet? You must not think of suicide!”, “Yo auntie, I hear uncle found you a lot of sisters [his mistresses], how’s it going lately, your guys’ relationship is doing good, right?” Now this is what I call low. Fuck, I don’t even have the heart to poke at your sore spots, why do you guys have to continually harass us younger generation?
If I were to dare do this, my parents would definitely kill me.
This year, I’ll definitely be using this to leave behind a path of blood! Whoever dares ask me about my achievements, asks whether I have a boyfriend, asks when I plan on getting married, or says they know of a good boy they want to introduce to me, I’ll be doing this!
Auntie, what university is your child planning on applying to? Uncle, does your daughter have a suitor yet? Uncle, have you remarried yet?
“Auntie, I hear you and uncle are thinking of getting a divorce, have you guys divorced yet?” “Uncle, I hear you had an accident, anyone die?”, “Auntie, I saw uncle’s photo at 1024, is it real? How come the woman didn’t look like you?”, “Uncle, XX Sauna, newly opened, not sure what the ‘health services’ are like, have you tried it yet?”
When Hamas fires one grenade, the inevitable result is Israel launching a new round of air strikes. So, Jiao Shou [the original poster], this tactic of yours is asking for death…
The moment you do this, your relatives won’t even bother asking you anymore. The more self-restrained ones will go out and start rumors about you being a homosexual and infertile. Those without self-restraint will immediately just slap you.
“Uncle, have you heard of Amway?”
“Auntie, your daughter is 30-years-old already and still not yet married? She has to hurry and find someone to marry. I’m okay, I’m younger than her by a few years, I can continue waiting, you don’t have to worry about me.” “Uncle, your son is also working in Shenzhen, right? I hear he works overtime everyday but isn’t getting any raises. I’m doing a bit better than him. Even though I’m not getting any salary increases, I don’t have to work overtime. Don’t worry, if there’s a good opportunity, I’ll definitely switch jobs. If your son isn’t happy with his work, I also hope he’ll switch jobs soon.”
“Silly child, uncle retired last year, so now I amuse myself by pointing and poking, or no, its pointing and poking you young people, hahaha.”
Uncle, how much of the country’s money did you embezzle this year?
“It’s time to get married, don’t you think? This isn’t something you want to put off.” “You’re right, auntie, in a blink of an eye I’ve become so old, just look at how old you’ve become!”
Whoever’s mouth is fastest is who wins.
What? My cousin had another child? Congratulations! Is it her husbands~~~? Oh, uncle has been promoted again? Congratulations! Be sure to remind him to hide his mobile phone videos well~~~! Aiya! Is this my niece~~? So cute~! Hey, she’s so pretty, doesn’t look like her parents at all~”
Uncle, do you still end up sleeping in the bathroom after getting drunk?”
Auntie, has your son found a boyfriend yet? Uncle, I hear your daughter has become the god-daughter [mistress] of so and so, you better fleece him as much as you can!
I don’t have the guts… [to do this]
Just today I was bruised and battered by questions, Jiao Shou’s [the original poster] life-saving post was too late. ≥﹏≤
From Sina Weibo:
@使徒子: Recently there have been a lot of discussion about strategies for dealing with questions from relatives and friends when going home for Chinese New Year, but for some reason I don’t think there is a single reliable one… _(:з」∠) _