“How a Bed Shared with My Wife is Divided”, Chinese Reactions

The following microblog post was among yesterday’s top 10 “hottest”…

On Sina Weibo:

@一起神回复: Geographical division when sharing bed with wife…

Chinese translation (and English retranslation) of 'Bed Cartography' by Doghouse Diaries showing how a bed shared with one's wife is divided.

The diagram above is a Chinese language translation of “Bed Cartography” from Doghouse Diaries (below). I have added English translations of the Chinese translation because the meanings are a little different from the original English. Click above image for original Chinese-only version.

bed-cartography-doghousediaries

Comments from Sina Weibo:

阿拉飞仔:

Haha, very funny

我的同事是个婊子:

First…

虐猫狂人薛定谔: (responding to above)

you need…

View_薇薇薇: (responding to above)

a wife.

我是你大众女神:

When I’m sound asleep, the entire bed could be my domain! His would be the floor!

宇宙侵略總司令:

Don’t worry, when your wife becomes unfaithful, that area of no fucking use [uncharted territory] will be used, because your wife will basically spend all her time there…

kjjlovescm:

If that area of no fucking use had any use, then you’d be of no use anymore ╮(╯▽╰)╭

谁动了我得奶瓶:

[泪][泪] Mainly it’s because my area is warmer.

小云妮_茉莉:

@柴可夫小健 We’re the opposite. [哼][哼]

AshleyChen:

@好孩子是囍枪枪 Completely the other way around!!

真相她侄女:

Humph! You’re someone who has a wife! She sleeps with you every day! And you’re still unhappy/unsatisfied!

嬉戏唱游下世纪:

[哼][哼]Shot even when lying down“, every time I’m crowded onto the edge [of the bed], and she even drapes her arm and leg on me, just barely not squeezing me off onto the floor.

邓宏飞_Jesus:

Actually, sometimes I too am a pillow.

伏地魔HP:

Stop complaining, okay? Your wife’s entire body is your area of physical occupation [territory], okay??!

当时我就震惊了:

A blow-up [doll] is better. After you’re done, you can let out the air and it won’t take up any room!

王之夏:

Could not be more accurate.

Is this true for you and your significant other?

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  • Boris_Da_Bengal_Tiger

    In the winter, the ‘where she actually sleeps’ area is the area we both occupy. In the summer, the ‘where I actually sleep’ is where i sleep and ‘uncharted territory’ is where she sleeps. (this excludes snu-snu time)

    Why?Winter is fricking freezing, some is bleeding hot.

  • David

    This is why you need an actual king sized bed. The largest mattress I have seen in IKEA is more like a queen size. Perhaps they are available in specialty or high end stores but even when I go bed shopping at expensive furniture stores all the beds look like my dorm room bed from the military. How can you have fun and active sex in a small bed? Besides who cares about the edges, meeting in the middle is the fun part.

    • ElectricTurtle

      Indeed, getting a true king size bed was one of the best things I ever did for the little amount of time I get to spend in it…

    • Nessquick Choco

      we have 200 x 220 bed from Ikea. best choice i ever did :D

      • David

        I have the same, but really that is just about the same as an American Queen size.

        • hess

          Standard North American sizes
          The standard bed sizes are:
          Twin39 in × 75 in (99 cm × 191 cm)Full or double54 in × 75 in (137 cm × 191 cm)Queen60 in × 80 in (152 cm × 203 cm)King76 in × 80 in (193 cm × 203 cm)

          • David

            I believe you, since I don’t know. I will take your word for it. I know my bed is a 200 X 220 because the comforter I bought is the same size and it basically covers the whole bed but the extra sheet I brought from America that fits my bed there is like a foot and a half too big on the sides (so about 85cm too wide and maybe 30 cm too long).

        • Nessquick Choco

          I think so, because my queen still can very easily occupy 80% of it :)

          • David

            lol

    • catmando1980

      King size is the only way to go-I don’t even know she’s over there most of the time, and there’s still plenty of room for our two cats to sprawl out on the bed,too.

    • DavidisDawei

      Try a Queen Sized Waterbed David….
      It is an adventure!

      • David

        LOL I have a queen sized water bed but it is currently disassembled and stored in my garage in America. My older brother originally bought it in about 1975. After a few years he passed it to my older sister, then to me in about 1982, when I got my first place. I used it until I was in the military (they provided a bed for me) and took it out of storage again when I got out. Then I used it for about 10 years (changed the mattress once and the heater twice). When I got married again my wife decided we were getting a King size. lol When my son settles down to a permanent place I was planning on giving it to him. When your young they are fun, but us old people prefer something a little less wavy (yea, this was from before there were waveless kinds). Brings back lots of fun and often messy (from spilling the water) memories. If you still use one, god bless you. BTW I like your name, it’s funny.

        • DavidisDawei

          Thanks Dave
          I got mine from my Brother as well. I dismantled it after my last move and haven’t made the time to set it back up.
          Still, my most comfortable bed ever.

  • Zappa Frank

    the cartography perfectly fit to my situation..

    • Germandude

      LOL ;-)

  • donkeykong

    Are most Chinese couples that afraid of touching each other while sleeping ?
    Why the need for a “buffer zone” ?
    I guess when you marry for reasons other than love then you just don’t want to be too close.

    • ESL Ninja

      It’s translated from the original English

    • sdfgsdgsdfgsd

      dumb fucking idiots will take every chance they get to put down Chinese, even if it means not even reading the article first.

      • donkeykong

        Of course I read the article first.
        I enjoy having my wife on my side of the bed snuggling me every night.
        Just having difficulty understanding why a couple would not want to be close while sleeping.

        • catmando1980

          When we first get into bed, she throws a leg over me, and glues herself to my back. Then, after a short time, she rolls over, and moves to her side of the bed. I never was able to sleep face-to-face with her or anyone else-there’s no place for your arms, and you end up breathing in each others face

    • donscarletti

      Because in China there are over 11 men for every 10 women, meaning the majority of people like to have a quick screw then be left alone until morning. In Western countries, there are usually slightly more women than men, meaning the majority is in favour of snuggling, falling asleep in their partner’s arms and other such things.

  • Cauffiel

    You don’t need a wife. Prostitutes do the same thing.

    • Irvin

      you don’t need a prostitute, your hand will do the same.

    • donscarletti

      As I understand it, prostitutes leave when you’ve finished.

      • Cauffiel

        It was just a lame joke. :-)

      • David

        and that is the good part right? (old joke about “I don’t pay a prostitute for sex, I pay her to leave when we are finished”)

  • mr.wiener

    I’m very happy with my 25% of the bed.

    • KamikaziPilot

      True, much better than sleeping on the couch.

      • Irvin

        Much better than having the whole bed by yourself.

        • YourSupremeCommander

          Having the whole bed to yourself is much better than having to share it with another man.

    • linette lee

      You only have 25% shares?

    • Dr Sun

      you know its odd, being marrying a 5’5″ 100 lb woman and sleeping in a king sized bed, I thought I’d get at least 30 %, how wrong I was.

  • Brad pitt

    The real battle is for the blankets!

    • Teacher in China

      Yes!! I wake up blanketless and cold in the middle of the night almost every night!! I always have to yank it back from her to cover myself again.

      • Irvin

        Weird, my exs always cover me up whenever I’m exposed.

        • Nessquick Choco

          what about your current one ? still covers you ?
          :)

    • linette lee

      Each person should have their own blanket.

    • FYIADragoon

      You should probably buy a bigger blanket if you’re fighting for it.

  • KamikaziPilot

    Your kidding right? I just love the Chinese beds compared to the softer ones in Western countries. Much better back support. I’ve been trying to find a hard bed for years in the US to no avail. Also if you sleep with a partner and you move when you sleep you won’t disturb them like you would with a softer bed. To each their own I guess.

    • nickhz

      yeah there is more back support… but some people dont need back support, and i find that the beds here are so hard that i actually get bruises on my body from it… .and the bruises on my knees and girlfriends knees from sex….. we might as well be having sex on concrete

      • mr.wiener

        I put a 1 1/2 sheet of foam over the top, problem solved, I get the firm bed without waking up to aching joins in the morning.

        • FYIADragoon

          Something along these lines is better. It’s not just about having back support now, but treating your back well so that it holds up for years to come. A bed that is too soft might feel good now, but it will come back at you down the road. Just avoid the concrete beds too.

        • nickhz

          i guess i need to find thicker foam because mine does nothing… to be honest i have gotten used to it. but when i first got here it was torture.

    • Boris_Da_Bengal_Tiger

      I’m surprised you can’t find hard beds in the US. I could easily find soft or hard when I shopped for beds in England. I prefer soft, but not too soft. Hard are just annoying. It is a waste of money to by a hard bed. Just by a bloody futon. Pretty much the same shit, and you save money. I was pissed off at my wife for paying so much for a bed and then skiming on the mattress. What the fuck is the point in buying a fucking bed so fucking hard.

      I needed to get that off my chest.

      • David

        Yea, I spent like $3,000 on a bed in the U.S. which is basically a fancy carved wood headboard (and smaller version at the feet) but I was not going to skimp when it came to the mattress because you are going to be sleeping on that for at least 10 years.

        I have to agree with Nick and Wang on this one, I have what is considered a moderately expensive bed in China (about 6,000 yuan) and I feel like I am sleeping on a futon. Unless I sleep laying only flat on my back I will wake up with pain. since it is our winter break now I will be going back to the U.S. for a month and the thing I miss most, right after my wife and my big beautiful kitchen is my wonderfully soft bed. I must be getting old.

      • KamikaziPilot

        Actually I remember a while ago I found one similar to those in China at a Chinese furniture store but it just didn’t feel right so I passed. I doubt any of the major bedding stores in the US have anything remotely approaching the firmness of a Chinese bed. I have about the hardest bed you can find in a common bedding store and it doesn’t compare to the Chinese beds. You should try to put a thin foam padding on the bed if it’s too hard. It’s really comfortable.

        • Boris_Da_Bengal_Tiger

          Did that already. Makes it just bearable for me.

      • Edward_Crowley

        Agreed, a bed is comfort, a place for a good nights sleep, not sleeping on a prison style mattress with crap blankets.

    • Hugh G. Rection

      Get a Sleep Number mattress.

    • Brad pitt

      Agreed! It was so hard to get used to soft beds when I came back to Canada, I couldn’t sleep well for ages.

      Edit: Remember, most foreigners in China will rent furnished apartments though. Usually the landlord will cheap out on the mattress.

  • and add a cat to the picture and you get 15% max

    • Irvin

      You don’t own a cat do you? cat tends to sleep on your face, or ON you.

      • Zappa Frank

        I had 2 cats (my ex had…) and one of them tried hard every night to sleep on my face.. I pushed the cat down and it went to sleep in the lower side of the bed… as result it was impossible to move legs for the whole night.. (not mentioning cat’s mao everywhere)

        • Irvin

          Same thing with mine, always tried to sleep on my face but after I moved it to the lower part of the bed it got the message. But every morning I wake I still finds it either next to my pillow or on top of me.

          Oh well, I least I got it toilet trained by locking it in the bathroom for a few days, it even know how to flush now.

  • Cauffiel

    Just happened to get this on wechat today.

    • Cauffiel

      Oops. Double post.

    • Irvin

      Is she really that fat?

      • YourSupremeCommander

        yes

        • Nessquick Choco

          who of them is you ?

        • linette lee

          Is that you yoursupremecomander? lol

        • Cauffiel

          HOW DID YOU GET THAT PHOTO D-:< !!!!

        • Dr Sun

          OMG!!

    • linette lee

      You are funny. lol

  • Cauffiel

    That is a dumbass joke. If you’re going to deride violent crime victims, you should be clever about it.

  • FYIADragoon

    I can afford the AC costs during summer so it’s always this way. I can understand being too tired for a little action, but I can’t personally imagine why one would dislike body warmth during winter (unless you’re dating a gargoyle), though I guess the poor who can’t afford AC would during the summer. I imagine some of the guys falling off the bed have small beds and/or are a bit shrimpy. Not saying all Chinese are that way though….Comments seem to express a variety of opinions.

  • markus peg

    This is annoyingly true!

  • Peter Pottinger

    First world problems

  • So true. What about where the Pekingese goes….?

  • Dr Sun

    lol, you will adapt given time and oddly after a few years if you ever go to the west, you’ll find their marsh-mellow mattresses awful for everything, not just sleeping.

  • DavidisDawei

    Problem Easily Solved – Get Two Beds…
    Don’t need a bed for non-sleeping activities

  • DavidisDawei

    HaHa – yes, I check now as well before doing a backflip onto an unknown bed…
    I have been in hotels that used cardboard and particle board in lieu of a box spring and mattress.
    At least they won’t suffer from bed bugs?

    • Dick Leigh

      Bed bugs come from people, not the environment. They lay eggs which easily get stuck in people’s clothing, or crawl in your clothes while you’re watching a movie or sitting in a library, then you bring them home and they suck your blood til you go crazy. They’re evil bastards.

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